#fight post

[julivea]

LET'S GO BLADE

[waterwarp]

which musicians you should fight part 2

sufjan stevens: everyone knows sufjan is fucking ripped and lets be real if anybody has divine protection its gonna be subaru. the only thing thatll get hurt in a fight with sufjan is his feelings. and also your kneecaps. dont fight sufjan

rivers cuomo: rivers has absolutely had his ass kicked before and he’s practically built a career out of it. might as well get your turn. fight rivers cuomo 

bruce springsteen: do you really need me to tell you this. bruce springsteen has the soul of a mighty stallion compressed into a human body. he’ll fight you and he’ll win and you’ll know in your heart that you deserved it

st. vincent: absolutely too cool to even show up. dont kid yourself

björk: björk obviously has supernatural powers of some description shes probably like a witch or a cryptid or something. she’ll cast an ancient icelandic hex on you and swap ur eyes with ur nipples and it’ll be a bad time for everybody but especially you because you’ll have nipples for eyes. dont fight bjork

father john misty: yeah. i dont know if youll win the man could be lowkey jacked but hes gone from modern folk hero to insufferable internet douche pretty quick and could probably stand to take a few licks from a scrappy adolescent/young adult like you

jeff mangum: jeff has been documented personally decapitating fans who take video at his live shows with a weighty iron halberd but if thats a risk youre willing to take then go ahead and fight jeff mangum

james murphy: if you fight james murphy then i’ll fight you. i dont care who you are i need that new lcd soundsystem album. read all the pamphlets and watch your fucking back

david byrne: david byrne doesnt fight directly he pilots his big ridiculous suit like an anime mech. what he lacks in mobility and speed he makes up for in defense and sheer power. not a fight for the faint-hearted but go for it if you werent a fan of love this giant i guess

jack white: this man either is a vampire or really wants to be one. maybe dont risk it just in case he is

part 1

[waterwarp]

which musicians should you fight

aphex twin: aphex twin talks a big game but he probably cant fight for shit. suplex this dickhead. fight aphex twin

panda bear: panda bear is an extremely frail boy with low physical acumen. he probably wouldnt fight back he’d just look at you kinda tiredly and mutter “thanks” when you left him alone. is it worth it. fight panda bear if you dont want a challenge i guess

daft punk: daft punk have a dazzling arsenal of robotic weaponry at their disposal but one cannot function without the other. therefore you need only defeat one of them to claim victory. could go either way. go for it champ

patti smith: hahahahahahaha are you fucking kidding me. no you idiot

brian eno: i dont think brian eno even knows what fighting is? dude would probably sample the sound of you kicking him and turn it into an hour long ambient masterpiece. so dont probably because hes made enough of those as it is

damon albarn: please fight damon albarn. someone has to

mc ride: i think it probably hurts to touch mc ride without protective gloves or something. a hassle. dont fight mc ride

the gallagher brothers: ok holy shit so the gallagher brothers are like daft punk only theyre not robots and also theyre shit. no sense of teamwork. just wait a bit and one of them will take the other out first and then you can finish him off. fight the super gallagher bros

frank zappa: trust me on this frank zappa is a chaos god. he wont just beat you in a fight he will trap you in his colourful pocket dimension (Zapland) and torture you until he thinks you have paid your dues. fight zappa if you love getting owned across multiple universes

miles davis: probably not? dude played trumpet probs had some powerful lips who knows what he could do with those bad boys. dont fight miles

chelsea wolfe: even if you destroy chelsea wolfe’s physical form her body is undoubtedly a mere flesh vessel to a whole host of demons and/or ghouls. they will simply inhabit another form and they will stop at nothing to banish you. dont fight chelsea wolfe

iggy pop: be nice to shirtless grandpa

[unhottaa]

Who You Should Fight in Middle-Earth Part 2: The Hobbit

Thorin Oakenshield: At best Thorin is like a Lindt Easter egg chocolate--covered in a thin metal layer but actually hollow on the inside. Punch at his chest cavity repeatedly and he will crack. If you're lucky he'll even remove his armor before you even enter The Pit.

Fíli: Ask yourself, do you really wanna take on the heir to a kingdom who is also ambidextrous and is made out of sharp hidden projectiles? Do you? The guy has like 17 hidden knives on him, not to mention a small stash of throwing axes; even if you think you've disarmed Fíli he'll probably crap out another knife and stab you in the colon. Have fun with a septic gut, idiot.

Kíli: If you fight Kíli you default also fight Fíli, which makes the fight more like a 3 v 1. Kíli would probably shoot you in the neck from 300 meters before you even thought about the idea of MAYBE trying to fight him. If you do manage any damage then have fun protecting yourself from Fíli or Dwalin kicking your ass.

Dwalin: LMFAO good luck.

Balin: Balin looks older than he is, don't let that fool you. In any case, could you live with yourself if you decided to fight a happy librarian grandpa? Even if he just bombed your sorry ass? No. You'd still feel terrible.

Ori: Fighting Ori means fighting Dori, Nori, Fíli, Kíli, and Dwalin simultaneously. You up for that bloodbath? Sure Ori himself could probably only land a hit with that warhammer if you stood very still, but you'd probably be dead already.

Nori: Even if you manage to beat him in a fight you'd still somehow owe him your life savings. Think on that.

Dori: Do not fight Dori. He's a strong man with a high pain threshold (just look at those braids). If you feel accomplished by repeatedly throwing yourself against a cement wall, then you should fight Dori. Have fun explaining your completely mutilated face.

Bifur: I'll just put it this way: do you really think your feeble human arms could defeat someone who survived having an AXE imbedded in their FACE? I don't think so.

Bofur: Don't fight Bofur. Instead, learn how to braid hair together and take a step dancing class.

Bombur: Bombur is the guy who breaks the world record for number of hot-dogs eaten in less than two minutes, and then ends up not throwing up afterwards. His body is so insulated by fat and muscle that he is more seismically sound than most modern buildings and bridges. If you punch him both of your arms will break. At the same time, he'll probably feed you and your family for the next sixty years out of guilt.

Óin: That motherfucker went mano a mano with the Watcher in the Water when he was like 6000 years old. Do not fight Óin.

Glóin: Bribe him with money and/or cute photos of small children. Fight avoided, taxes filed, IRS fraud investigation mysteriously disappeared. Everyone wins.

Legolas: HA! Fight him. Do it. Destroy his ego. I wanna see that loser get his comeuppance. He may break physics so that you end up kicking your own ass, but it's worth all the effort to make that mama's boy get his shit together.

Tauriel: Instead of inciting a fight that will ultimately end up in your sudden and violent death, go on a date. Hold hands. Make-out with her. Nice. Tauriel could beat your ass so quickly and efficiently that it's better for everyone involved if you just end up getting married and finishing each other's sarcastic comments. Aww, you're such a cute couple.

[unhottaa]

Who you should fight in Middle-Earth

Bilbo Baggins: Depending on what level of Dwarf Bullshit Bilbo has put up with, he could either be a tiny sachet of vitriol or simply a flabby bag of pudding and biscuits. Fighting him is like trying to fight a pillow case that may or may not be full of bricks. Unless it's Old Bilbo, in which case why the fuck are you fighting the living equivalent of a stale triscuit?

Thorin Oakenshield: Please kick his ass. Put his head in a toilet and then give him a swirly, '90s style. Yeah sure Thorin is hardened by decades of war and living on the road, but if you insult his ego enough he could crumble like a poorly constructed meringue. It'll be challenging to say the least, but please, for all of us, just kick his dumb ass.

Dain Ironfoot: He'll kill you by looking at you, and then his boar will eat your body and all other trace evidence.

Elrond Half-Elven: Do not fight Elrond.

Thranduil Oropherion: The thing about fighting Thranduil is that you would never know what's coming. Is he secretly a master swordsman, honing his skills deep within the decaying heart of Mirkwood? Or maybe he's just a pasty nerd who wears a crown made out of old cabbage who pretends that he matters but really doesn't because WOW he doesn't even have a Ring of Power. What a loser. Call his brow-game off fleek and you could probably toss his blond ass into the trash.

Lady Galadriel: The only reason anyone would fight Galadriel is if they had a death wish. She'd smoke you. Shame on you for even considering it.

Aragorn: I’ll have you know he graduated top of his class in the Navy Seals, and he's been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and he has over 300 confirmed kills. He is trained in gorilla warfare and he is the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to him but just another target. He will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words.

Faramir: Please don't fight Faramir, he's been through enough.

Eowyn: If you fight Eowyn there is a fair chance you'll be banished outside of the realms of existence. It'll be bloody and quick, most likely ending with your corpse on the soiled ground, but then you'll see Eowyn's grimy face and actually thank her for kicking your ass. It'll be beautiful.

The Eye of Sauron: I don't even know if you can fight a giant flaming slitted eye, but in any case go for it. I'd like to see someone try. Maybe give that little bitch some Clear Eyes afterwards, just to add insult to injury. That'll teach him to smack-talk when he doesn't even have a physical body to pummel behind the school at lunch.

[aramatientediada]

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