#file: audio

[ahdestinyau]

entry number thirty-six. ray-42.

i have to stay away.

i can’t get a grip on myself -- on reality, really. it’s easy to state my name. state my fireteam name. state my friend’s names. while that does help, it still does not remove the overwhelming feeling of wrong that’s been in me for the past couple of months.

i can’t shake it off, i can’t shake it away -- i can’t do anything! i’m not in control of myself! that’s the most awful thing right now! i can’t.....

[a long sigh]

i’m losing myself.

i know......i don’t know how to fix this. i don’t want this, i never wanted this. i just wanted to be stronger -- it felt strong, this armor, when i put it on. the gun in my hands feels strong. it helps me protect my friends and eveyone else.

i feel strong.

i’ve been asking for more patrols just so i can stay away from everybody. it’s getting harder and harder, being around them. sometimes i -- i feel things, and i know they are not my feelings because these people are my family and i would never hurt them. i don’t hate them, but i feel the hate.

these are not my feelings.

cosmodrome is the best place to be right now. there are only fallen and hive here -- the vex signal is low.

................i haven’t seen them in weeks.

[another sigh, followed by soft laughter]

it’s better this way. as much as i hate it, it’s better this way. maybe i can live it out on the cosmodrome, wait for the eventual malfunction to come and just --- 

[loud static, audio cutting in and out]

what? what’s going......no.

[cut]

stay away from me you stay the hell away you --

[cut]

ray --

NO.

[cut]

you let me be, michael jones. you leave me alone right now!

come home.

no.

we can help you.

you can’t......you can’t help me, michael.

we’ll do our best.

you can’t.

we’ll try.

stay away from me.

please let me help you.

you STAY AWAY.

...........ray?

THIS ONE IS MINE. NO. LEAVE HIM BE. HE IS NO THREAT. BUT ALL GUARDIANS ARE THREATS. BUT THIS ONE IS NOT. HOW DO YOU KNOW. HE CARES FOR THIS BODY. HE WILL STILL FIGHT US. BUT HE WILL NOT HARM US; HARMING US HARMS THE BODY. DO WE HARM HIM? THIS BODY WILL NOT COMPLY IF HE IS HARMED.

ray!

BUT WE WILL -- YES. WE WILL. WHEN WILL WE. SOON. OKAY. OKAY. THIS BODY MUST GO TO VENUS. YES, YES YES YES. CAN’T IT HANDLE OUR TYPE OF TRAVEL? WE HAVE SPENT MUCH TIME IN HERE. MUCH TIME THROUGH OUR PORTALS. THIS BODY WILL BE FINE. YOU ARE CERTAIN? YES.

where the fuck are you --

ATHEON IS AWAITING. BUT HE IS NOT AWAKE. BUT HE WILL BE -- AND WE MUST BE READY.

[warping noise -- whirring and loud footsteps]

[audio stops]

[ahdestinyau]

a log from a titan that survived the Vault of Glass. taken WITH PERMISSION and saved for future study. warning: some parts may be corrupted. it is assumed that a vex signal tampered with the log as the titan was recording it.

entry number.....entry number..... [sharp inhale followed by a distorted sound] ....... [relieved exhale] entry number fifty. michael speaking.

we’ve been stuck in here for a while. we thought we were ready -- we are, we’ve made it this far right? -- but this was all more than we expected. it feels like days have passed. ryan did say that time passes differently in here. i feel like i might be losing my mind. i think we all feel that way.

i’m just glad the six of us are together. there’s no way we could have gotten here with less.

i’ve been keeping an eye on [static] ---- it’s only right to do it. he is my best friend. and he did deal with -- [static] -- in his own head. he’s doing okay, has no trouble with killing them. i think it’s a way of letting his frustrations out, y’know? i’m glad.

[a sigh, sound of scraping]

we’re out of bounds. i’ve been sending burnie messages, updates, on how we’re doing, how i’m doing. i know he worries. i send them but they all stay and my ghost just says ----

[static, followed by whirring]

-- feel like i’m losing mys -- and harder to remember i’m real and -- i’ve died so many times i’ve died so many times i’ve -- sorry. lost my -- 

[whirring increases for a moment before it dies down]

-- lost count of how many times i died. you lose track when you keep getting swarmed by vex. it wasn’t just me who died. we all have. i think we’re feeling just a little beaten up by it. i know i feel sore where i got shot before. i mean, my body’s fine; good as new and shit but.....i don’t know. i still feel it. it still hurt.

[audio stops for a moment, picks back up only seconds later]

AUDIO VOLUME RAISED.

god it hurt it hurt it hurt so bad it was so dark it was so fucking dark. the darkness consumed us, consumed our light and i heard it all i could feel it on my light they wanted they wanted they wanted to c o n s u m e ----

[audio stops again, picks up after a minute]

AUDIO VOLUME LOWERED.

---- i hope this break lasts for a little while longer. i’ve got a bit of a headache. but then again, i just want to get this over with. i want to beat atheon and head back to the tower and sleep for a week. i know ray would appreciate that also.

i wonder how much time has passed out there?

i wonder ---- [a pause, voice is low] what? -- we’re going? -- alright. tell geoff i’ll be there in a bit.

[another pause]

hope we stop dying. i know it’s not atheon just yet but.....yeah.

i hope we make it out okay.

[audio stops playing]

[ahdestinyau]

entry number one. Geoff-6 speaking.

i'm still not used to this.

it's been only a few days since i've been....brought back to life, that's the best wording to use. nothing is WRONG with me but.....i do feel wrong. not broken or malfunctioned, but just wrong internally.

there's no good way to explain it, but i guess i will.

i go through my days wondering if i'll ever get my memory back. each time i try and think of before i just hit a wall, it's all blank. not in a way like i've lost periods of time but in a way where it seems like before doesn't exist for me. maybe not for me, maybe for everyone but....i need to know. i need to know who i was before i became this, a guardian. i need to know what kind of life i had, i need to know what i did and who i knew and where i lived and--

[silence, a heavy sigh]

i just really want to know.

[static]

-----focus on forming a team. at least, that's what the Speaker suggested i do. but so far i haven't really made friends with any other guardians. well, there's one Warlock i'm sort of friends with. his name's Jack. he's pretty cool, even if he is a Sunsinger and not a Voidwalker like me.

stupid names, if you ask me. i bet the Speaker came up with them. he seems like the type to come up with wild names like that.

i don't think i'll ever manage to form a fireteam. but i'll try.

if that happens, i'll make sure we're one of the best teams around.

god, i hope it's not all Warlocks. they'll call us the Warlock Squad or something.

i guess i'm done with this. until next time, Ghost.

[audio stops playing]

[ahdestinyau]

entry number.... [long pause, slow exhale] entry number twenty-seven. ray-42 speaking.

i am ray-42. i am an exo hunter who is apart of fireteam AH and i am currently....lost.

lost in my head, too.

Venus is a beautiful planet, something i thought the moment i stepped foot on this place. despite no life other than enemies, it thrives on its own. stunning, breath taking--i could spend days here.

i've been spending days here. i only know this in flashes.

i remember.....i remember stepping through a gate

[murmured] as a Vex. [silence, a sigh] this is....this is the first time in a few days where i've had my head to myself. i'm no where near the other Vex, i'm closer to fallen area. but i know at any moment i'll lose myself again. 

i haven't talked to the team yet. i know they've messaged me, but i can't bring myself to listen to them. listen to their worry, asking for me to come back.

maybe i listened to a couple.

i don't know what to do, i don't know what's causing this--i don't know WHY.

i want answers, but i don't want to look for them.

i'm terrified.

of the Vex.

of myself.

i'm afraid--[silence, static]

[low whirring]

[translating....]

-------GUARDIANS INVESTIGATING? ATTEMPTING AN INFILTRATION? NO. THEY CANNOT. VAULT IS A SECRET. THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED OUR SECRETS. WE MUST TAKE THEIR LIGHT. WE MUST TAKE THEIR LIGHT.

[a sound similar to a rush of wind]

"Vex? What are they doing--wait, that's an Ex--"

[whirring gets louder]

[translating......]

-------WE MUST TAKE THEIR LIGHT.

[ahdestinyau]

entry number eleven. ryan h--[static] speaking.

the Hive aren't mindless. they don't work together like the Vex do--their minds aren't connected creating one whole mind. there are similarities with other species, such as following after one another to attack. they aren't mindless, i would say they're a bit smart as well.

smarter than us, at least.

how long have they been here? how long have they been living, hidden underneath the tunnels of the moon? watching us, learning from us--adapting. looking into it, i estimate they are about--[static]

[audio cuts out]

------accept a Guardian amongst them? they have been, recently. accepting ME. not in a way like Geoff accepting me into fireteam AH but they don't attack me. they listen to my commands. what kind of species does that? why would they do that? i want answers but i'm afraid to ask the Speaker. i am afraid to ask anyone--afraid for their reactions.

i suppose i have to find these answers myself.

the books i've already read tell me nothing. i do keep reading a name, over and over and over again. no images, not even a painted picture.

Oryx. their God. or, at least the one they WORSHIP as a god.

do they follow after Oryx because it is stronger than them? do they follow after this entity because it is something that is ingrained into their head--into their culture? 

if they have one, that is.

i wonder.....

would they accept anything as their god? if the others choose to follow it?

[silence, sounds of pages turning]

would they accept a--[static, audio cuts out]

[callmeorion]

Jason Walker Down

I don't know where I'm at I'm standing at the back And I'm tired of waiting Waiting here in line, hoping that I'll find what I've been chasing. I shot for the sky I'm stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I'm gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it's coming down, down, down. Not ready to let go Cause then I'd never know What I could be missing But I'm missing way too much So when do I give up what I've been wishing for. I shot for the sky I'm stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I'm gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Never know why it's coming down, down, down. Oh I am going down, down, down Can't find another way around And I don't want to hear the sound, of losing what I never found. I shot for the sky I'm stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I'm gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? I never know why it's coming down, down, down. I shot for the sky I'm stuck on the ground So why do I try, I know I'm gonna to fall down I thought I could fly, so why did I drown? Oh it's coming down, down, down.

[callmeorion]

Fix You ~ Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don't succeed When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you And high up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

[callmeorion]

A Song for Leo and Bismarck 

Hurt -Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today  To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away But I remember everything [Chorus:] What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar's chair Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair Beneath the stains of time The feelings disappear You are someone else I am still right here [Chorus:] What have I become My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end And you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt If I could start again A million miles away I would keep myself I would find a way