what’s my hand without your heart to hold - part four
the one where jo is a firefighter, alex is a resident, and chaos ensues
read part three here!
“Jo, I-”
“I know."
“What?”
“I know that Izzie came back."
It’s not Grey’s Day but I’ll post anyway!
Rated: T
Word Count: 1542
She was almost grateful that she was on a 24 hour shift today because it gave her plenty of time to avoid Alex and the conversation she knew was coming. As she got into her car the next morning and strapped herself in, she could feel the nerves bubbling up underneath the surface. Jo had half a mind to not even go home and just drive until she couldn’t drive anymore. The thought of arriving back at the loft not knowing what she’d be coming home to was enough to have her considering running.
What if she got home and he was packing up to leave? What if she got home and his stuff was gone? What if she got home and he was with Izzie? What if she got home and Alex had left her a letter saying that he was going to get back together with Izzie? What if she got home and Alex was standing in her kitchen ready to break her heart?
Every worst case, heart-wrenching, nausea-inducing thought ran through her brain. She was going to get her heart broken today.
The drive home went by way more quickly than she hoped. As she turned down the radio and shut off the engine of her car, she felt the shakiness all the way down to her toes. Alex’s car was in the driveway, meaning that he was home. This conversation was about to happen whether she wanted it to or not.
As Jo reached the door, she tried her best to steady herself. She took a deep breath and willing the trembling in her hands to cease. If she was going to do this right now, the last thing she needed was for Alex to see the way her body shook in fear.
The loft was quiet. The only sound that could be heard were Alex’s soft snores coming from their bed. No. Not our bed. My bed. Jo reminded herself. She walked over and placed her belongings down and grabbed a pair of pajamas so that she could shower and take a much needed nap. She walked over to the bathroom and changed quickly and quietly, hoping not to wake Alex from his slumber. He must’ve fallen asleep waiting for her to arrive. He was still half dressed in the t-shirt he wore yesterday but his pants and shoes had been tossed hastily into the corner.
He must’ve sensed her presence because when Jo walked out of the bathroom, Alex was sitting up on the bed.
“You’re here.”
“Yeah,” Jo let out a little breath. She wasn’t sure where to start. Should she bring it up? Should Alex? Should she act like she knew nothing about the situation? Should she yell? Should she let him go in peace?
“Jo, I-”
Well, it looked like the decision was going to be made for her.
“I know,” Jo looked away.
“What?” Alex scrunched his face in confusion.
“I know that Izzie came back,” Jo wrapped her arms around her chest.
Alex eyebrows furrowed in question. As if deciding not to ask how she knew that information, he nodded instead. “She did.”
“So, um… I’m gonna go stay with Maya and Andy for a couple nights. They’re always saying that I need to hang out at their place more. It should give you enough time in between shifts to get all your stuff together and move back in with your—uh, wife.” Jo shuffled around and grabbed a bag to put enough things to stay with her friends for a few days.
“Wait, what?” Alex moved from where he’d been standing to pull Jo away from her dresser. “What are you doing? Can we talk?”
“We’re nothing, I know that, okay. I was just a good fuck and uh—a distraction from everything. I know it. I don’t need to hear you say it,” Jo fought against the tears beginning to well up in her eyes. “I really don’t need to hear you end this… whatever you want to call it.”
“You don’t even know what I’m going to say,” Alex frowned.
“But I do,” Jo heard her voice crack and that’s when she knew it was too late. She was going to cry and Alex was going to see it. “You’re gonna say that you owe it to yourself to try and make your marriage work. You’re going to say that you’re still in love with Izzie and that she’s back and you’re finally happy again. You’re going to thank me, and say that you’re so grateful for the support I’ve given you for the past few months. You’re going to say something about how you hope that this won’t change our relationship, that we can still be friends. But deep down, I know you won’t really mean it because how can we go back to being just friends after everything? That’s just what you say when you end something like this. You’re going to make all these promises I know you’ll never keep because at the end of the day, I’m nothing to you. I’m not your wife. I’m not your girlfriend. And I probably won’t be your friend after this so, please, spare me the speech. I don’t need to hear it. I don’t need to hurt more than I’m hurting right now.”
“You think you’re nothing? You think that these last few months meant nothing to me and I’m just using you to forget?” A hurt look crossed Alex’s face. “I thought you knew.”
“You thought I knew what, Alex? That this was temporary? Yeah, I was very aware that this was temporary,” Jo huffed in frustration. “I was aware that Izzie could come back at any moment and you’d go back to her. I knew what I was getting into the minute I let you in my bed and I did it anyway because I wanted you! I’ve wanted you for years, but suddenly you were with Izzie and I couldn’t have you. So when I finally had the chance, I took it! Despite my better judgement because I have been in love with you for years and I never said anything!”
Things went quiet after that. Jo was a little more than mortified at the words that came flying out of her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say them in the first place, much less scream them at Alex. All she could do was stare at him in horror as his face twisted in shock. There was that pesky nausea again. Jo wanted the earth to swallow her whole.
“God, I’m an idiot,” Jo breathed out. “I—I’m just gonna go. Like I said, take your time packing your stuff and leave your key on the counter so that way we don’t have to see each other again. I’ll do my best to avoid you if I’m ever at the hospital or Joe’s. I won’t bother you, I won’t reach out. I won’t get in between you and Izzie, I swear. It’ll be like I don’t exist. It’ll be like none of this ever happened and—”
“Will you just shut up already?” Alex placed his hands on her shoulders. “You know, you were right about one thing. You are an idiot.”
Jo felt her heart drop at his words, “I know and I’m sorry I—”
“Hey. It’s my turn to talk now,” Alex shushed her. He stared at her tenderly for a moment and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re an idiot, but not because of what you said. You’re an idiot because you never noticed that I’m in love with you, too. It’s always been you, Jo. How could you not see that? From the minute I met you in the pit three years ago to today, it’s been you.”
“But what about Izzie? She’s your wife.”
“I thought you didn’t want me. You never said anything when I tried, so I stopped trying,” Alex shrugged. “Then she got cancer and she was dying, so I married her and gave her the wedding of her dreams because I thought it would help make her last few months a little easier to get through. And yeah, I loved her, but never the way I loved you. Love you. Jo, you said you took the chance when it presented itself, but so did I. And I’ve never been more happy than when I’m with you.”
He wiped away a tear that had made its way down Jo’s cheek. “Which is why I ended things with Izzie, officially. They were over a long time ago, but these past two months with you have shown me that I’m a good guy, deserving so much better than what she could give me. Because Izzie always said I wasn’t good enough, for her or anyone. But that’s not true. I am enough. I’m good. You remind me of that every second of every day. So, if it’s okay with you, I’d really like to not move out and back into Mer’s place.”
“You’re not getting back with Izzie?” Jo’s eyes were wide in question.
“Nope.”
“You’re in love with me?”
Alex chuckled, “Yes, Jo. I’m so in love with you.”
“And you want to stay with me? You actually want to be with me, like a couple? A real relationship?”
“Yes.”
Jo nodded as she tried to process everything, “Okay. “
“Okay?”
Jo smiled, “Yeah.”
And for the first time in a long time, all was right in the world.