Fish Collector
I’M A BAD ASS FISH COLLECTOR. I’VE GOT A FRESH WATER TANK AND A SALT WATER TANK. I’VE GOT A BLUE RING OCTOPUS. I’VE GOT A 6′ CATFISH. I HAVE CORAL. I KEEP A MARLIN IN MY ABOVE GROUND SWIMMING POOL. THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS AND I’M A BUSINESS MAN. LET’S MAKE A DEAL.
THERE’S ONE THING MY COLLECTION IS MISSING THAT HAUNTS MY DREAMS. I DON’T SLEEP BECAUSE I AM SHAKEN BY THE VISIONS OF WHAT MY AQUARIUM COULD BE IF I HAD ONE MORE EXQUISITE SPECIMEN TO MAKE IT COMPLETE. THE NIGHTMARES CHASE THROUGH MY MIND AND ENRAPTURE ME IN A CATATONIC STATE. THERE IS ONE THING I NEED TO BE COMPLETE. I AM IN THE MARKET FOR A CTHULHU.
YOUR TINY FISH TANK IS A PATHETIC MESS AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED. YOUR BETA IS LAME. YOUR SNAILS ARE USELESS AND DUMB. YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THE AQUATIC ARTS IS LIMITED TO DRIED FISH FOOD FLAKES AND TINY PLASTIC SEAWEED DECORATIONS. IF YOU’VE NEVER TOSSED A LIVE HARBOR SEAL IN YOUR TANK AS A MID-MORNING SNACK FOR YOUR MARINE BEASTS THEN YOU ARE LIVING WRONG.
I HAVE VENTURED INTO THE OCEANS AND DOVE TO THE DEPTHS, ARMED WITH A NETGUN AND CATTLE PROD. BUT MY ATTEMPTS TO CAPTURE THE SULTAN OF THE SEA HAS YIELDED NO REWARD. I LURK NEAR THE ORCAS AT THE ZOO AND LINGER BY THE LOBSTER TANK AT CHINESE RESTAURANTS HOPING TO FIND A SHADY FISH DEALER. ALL FOR NAUGHT. WHERE DO I FIND A MAJESTIC BEAST TO COMPLETE MY COLLECTION? HOW DO I MAKE THE VISIONS STOP?
THE ANGEL OF DEATH HAS VISITED ME AND I SWAM IN THE RIVER OF STYX. CTHULHU CALLS TO ME AND I HARK AT HIS BECKONING. THE FAILING FRINGE OF THE SOUL IS A DARK, SICKLY PLACE; PUTRID AND SMUTTY. I WALK IT LIKE A TIGHT ROPE AND PLAY HOP SCOTCH ON IT’S LIP LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL. BRING ME A CTHULHU FOR MY COLLECTION AND YOU WILL BE HANDSOMELY REWARDED.
OPEN OFFER TO CTHULHU PURVAYORS, $300.