Realizations: Lessons from Mother
For the non personal crap skip to the dashed line and first bold print. <3
There have been some benefits to moving back home with my family. Mostly in studying the lessons, habits, and mannerisms they instilled in me from infancy.
I realized that I tend to accuse. I saw this play out between my mother and my father. Instead of asking if he knew where her key was, she accused him of taking it. It didn't matter what evidence or knowledge she had that would lead her to believe he had removed the key... accusing people of anything puts them on the defensive. It is a very negative way to approach people and the world in general.
In seeing this trait in her I recognized it within myself. My ex often had to deal with my accusations based on my fear and doubt (even if my accusations ended up justified, which is sad. I'd of rather they proved me wrong.)
I also see the avoidance of communication that happens. I watched with dawning horror as my mother scribbled a note and handed to my father after having taken out a lot of negative emotions on him when he came home. This was horrifying because I used to do the same thing. I would be so emotional I couldn't talk so I would write notes to my significant other. They luckily broke me of this habit and with help from counseling I have learned to handle talking face to face with someone when I need to communicate with them. Writing notes has its place but it should not be the primary form of communication.
I also see in my mother the frustration I carried with me like a ball and chain for a long time. I used to get so mad when I couldn't do something right, or learn something fast enough. An example: I used to do Shinkendo and Aikido and I could know what I needed to do mentally but my body was not up to the task. Despite my knowledge I could not perform the techniques properly. Getting corrected only hastened my anger and frustration until sometimes I would be in tears. Luckily I have gotten past this one too. Learning to forgive myself, to allow myself to be human and to make mistakes. To recognize the disparity between my physical ability and my knowledge and to work on them. My mother however, gets frustrated and either throws a tantrum then walks away or demands someone do it for her. Just like a child.
My mother also passed onto me severe impatience. I hate waiting for people to respond to me because I fear I am not worth responding to or that I have offended them or that I am just not of worth. (Surprise I have self esteem issues. >.<) I was lucky to experience extreme patience in my ex, I wish to take some of that and make it my own. To not get frustrated with people, to not rush stuff. My mother is a huge rush offender. She takes no time to enjoy what she does. She fills her days with tasks, working from waking to sleep. I wonder if she does this because she has no hobbies or past times. She used to enjoy playing with her pony... only she knows but I have my suspicions.
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I guess this brings me to a point I wanted to be the original focus of my tumblr. What does it mean to live a good life?
I think one of the qualities of a life well lead is that it isn't rushed. When you take the time to really experience what you are doing. To put your all into whatever task you are doing and just live it. Baking bread, driving to the store, going for a walk, talking with a friend or relative. So often we get caught up in the rush, in scurrying from task to task in an effort to relieve the stress we put on ourselves. We pile on the activities and the chores in an effort to feel like our lives mean something or are worth while. If we are busy we are productive, if we are productive we are good worthwhile members of society. The busier we are, the more stress we manage to hold together under shows the caliber of our character.
See example super mom. She cleans house, ferries children around, organizes events, laundry, meals, maybe a career or a part-time job, removing years from her life in the mess she piles on her plate. The more she sacrifices the better she is. I swear moms fight for the title of "most-stressed-best-functioning-mother".
I am not saying that mothers can't or shouldn't sacrifice somethings for their children. Parents give up a lot to raise their offspring. It's expected but so often parents forget to (or feel they can't) take time to take care of themselves, to enjoy life. They run themselves ragged, emotionally and physically.
It's as if there is this expectation that you really 'live' when you are younger and then again if you are lucky after you retire, but those years in the middle belong to others. They're not your own. They belong to your job, to your children, to society's expectations.Maybe that's why people emphasize finding a job you'll enjoy. So it feels less like a burden, like a job and more like living.
How many people work jobs they abhor, that "drain the life" from them? But there is so much to experience, to enjoy, to LIVE for in this world. The key is to open our jaded eyes to the world around us. To take a time out, catch our breath and live.
When's the last time you thought about filling your lungs with air? When did you last feel your chest expand and fill you with vibrant life?
It's good to be alive, enjoy everything you can.