#flarf

[greekbros]

(colored banners)

[jkthinkythoughts]

New Series: Faire Warning

Where we explore the underbelly of renfaire life. This may end up being a series.

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They Will Take It With Them

The thing about working faire full time is that the general public thinks it’s whimsical.

They see ribbons. They see turkey legs. They see a man in tights calling himself Lord Bumblefuck of the Dandelion Court and assume the whole operation runs on mead, bells, and the power of everyone having read one book about elves in 1998.

It does not.

It runs on vendor contracts, electrical hookups that look like a raccoon installed them during a divorce, managers who say “we’re a family here” right before inventing a new way to charge you for dirt, and booth owners who have sunk the GDP of a small, spiteful duchy into making a temporary plywood rectangle look like a medieval shopping experience.

So when my boss told me about the sword vendor, I did not gasp.

I was counting stock behind the counter, because someone had decided the correct place to put seven decorative daggers was in a pile, point-out, at child height. This is the kind of decision that tells you a lot about humanity. The morning rush had passed. The lane outside was doing its normal midday thing: dust, bells, roasted meat smoke, and parents negotiating with children in princess crowns like tiny unionized terrorists.

My boss leaned on the back table and said, “You ever hear about the guy who packed up during the middle of a show day?”

I looked up.

There are levels to “packed up.” At faire, “packed up” can mean a vendor quietly pulls a few bins after closing because their weekend was bad. It can mean somebody folds emotionally behind a tapestry and has to be revived with lemonade and a joint. It can mean an artist decides Sunday at two-thirty that commerce is a disease and starts giving away ceramic frogs to anyone who makes eye contact.

So I said, “Define packed up.”

He smiled, which was never a good sign. Smiles from my boss are either followed by a funny story, a lawsuit, or the phrase “technically, we’re allowed to.”

“Middle of Sunday,” he said. “Patrons everywhere. Management pissed him off so bad he drove his truck right in.”

I stopped counting.

“Into the faire.”

“Yep.”

“With patrons around.”

“Yep.”

“And management did not enjoy the consequences of their management?”

“They did not.”

This is why I respect vendors, in the same way you respect weather systems and large animals with opinions. A vendor will smile at a patron asking whether the handmade leather bracer comes in “vegan” and then, three hours later, decide that a contract dispute has entered the load-bearing phase.

My boss kept going. “He pulls up right to the booth. Gets out. Starts tearing the whole tent down.”

The image arrived fully assembled - the sword racks, the canvas, the dumb little pennants flapping like they were about to be subpoenaed. Patrons standing there with half-eaten steak on sticks, watching a grown man dismantle his business in real time while probably still wearing period boots because nobody in this industry ever changes footwear before making a life decision.

“Did anybody stop him?” I asked.

My boss gave me a look.

Right. Of course not.

Because faire management, despite being able to appear instantly when your sign is two inches too tall, becomes an endangered vapor when the problem has torque, wheels, and a vendor who has crossed over into religious clarity.

“He just took it down?” I said.

“Completely.”

“Beautiful.”

“It was not beautiful.”

“No, it was. Not for them. For them it was infrastructure failure with witnesses. But spiritually? Gorgeous.”

Outside, someone asked if the swords were real.

I told them they were real enough to be expensive and fake enough to keep everyone out of court, which satisfied them because patrons love answers that sound like a policy even when they are mostly fatigue.

They wandered off. My boss waited until they were out of earshot.

“I knew one guy who pulled a two story both down after hours, salted the earth, and never looked back.

I looked at him again.

He held up one hand. “Not here. Not recently.”

“Of course. Folklore.”

“Yeah.”

Faire has normal folklore, in theory. Ghosts in the old lanes. A queen who cursed a stage. Somebody’s cousin who met their spouse behind the pickle barrel and now they have six children named after herbs.

Then there is vendor folklore, which is less about magic and more about what happens when a person spends ten thousand dollars on carved trim, hand-painted signage, imported fabric, custom counters, fairy lights, display risers, roofing, locks, mats, curtains, and vibes, and then realizes the faire owner may get to profit off that pretty little money-pit after the vendor is gone.

That kind of folklore comes with accelerant.

My boss tapped the counter. “Some people would rather destroy it than let the owners keep it.”

I nodded.

That is the part civilians miss. They think faire people are whimsical because we own mugs with antlers and say “good morrow” to strangers for money. They do not see the spreadsheet behind the whimsy. They do not see the booth rent, the build-out, the weather damage, the permit nonsense, the owner politics, the seasonal gamble, the forty-seven conversations about where a tent stake may morally be placed.

They see a booth.

The vendor sees a hostage situation made of pine.

A group of patrons drifted in then, loud and sunburned, carrying the exhausted optimism of people who had already spent too much money but wanted one more object to justify the parking fee. One of them pointed at a sword and said, “Could you actually fight with that?”

I looked at the sword. I looked at him. I thought about trucks in pedestrian lanes, burning booths, management consequences, and the ancient faire law that every object is only decorative until someone becomes sufficiently wronged.

“Depends,” I said. “How mad are you at the lease agreement?”

My boss coughed behind me.

The patron laughed because he thought I was joking.

This was kind of him.

[pumiquxt]

octopus vulgaris ideological blindness slipper of denial

[whereevershedwells]

just a fairy having some conversations with the swamp she lives in.

wings by: SolasWings

bodice: son of sandlar

photos by: GLITCH’D Media

[lets-dance-to-joy-division]

I think that flarf may be the best thing for writers block I’ve ever discovered. If you’ve never given flarf a go I highly recommend, it’s a real bananas time.

BL

[thebrandondowning]

THE FLARF COLLECTIVE (MICHAEL JACKSON), 2011. 10½" x 16"

4/17/21

[infinityof6]

My new album NO FEAR DOWNHILL is out now! It’s an outrageous mix of dark ambient, flarf poetry, bluegrass, lowercase, anti-music, onkyo-kei, free jazz, glitch, trad.arr. noisecore, noise, sex music and field recordings!

Everybody laughed, I was so happy I came running down the hill! Now if ye ask me if I feel uphill, I'll say ehhh... no sae much! 　　　　　ｎ .／）) 　　　ｒ‐┘ｲﾚk(_ 　 　.’,g｀.器├┘Yヽ 　／ * 　 ン┴ｫ┼┬爻　　　　　　< Uh oh! . Lンノ￣　　　｀┼┤└〒ｪ 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 寸　┌┼テｭ 　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 寸└┘┌斤ｭ， 　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 寸┌┼┴‐代ｭ， 　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 ┼┘┌┼┼┼ｭ 　 　 　 　 　　　　　　　　　寸 .└┘└┘├ 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　┬┐┌┐┌┼┴┼┐ 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　┴┼┼┘└┼┐└┴┼┼┐ 　　　　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 代.└┘┌┐└┘┌┐└┘└┼ ， 　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 ┼┐┌┼┘┌┐├┘┌┬┐└┼‐､.,,,,,＿___ ,ｨ冖ﾊ 　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 ┼┘└┘┌┼┼┼┐├┼┘┌┤｀'''''''''''''''''''''ゝ ィ´ 　 　 　 　 　 　　 　 　 　 　 ,┌┐┌ぃ┼┤├┼ヤ┴┘┌┼┤ 　　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 /┼┘ｲ　 　.｀¨¨’.T´┬千ヽt┼┴‐! 　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 　 ／┼イ 　! 　 　 　 　 !. ┼┤　 ＼┬┼ , 　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 ,ｲXイ　 |┼┘　 　 　　　’┼ﾁ'. 　 　.｀　,┌┼， 　　　　　　 　 　 　 　{┘ｲ 　　|└!　　　　 　 　　ヾ┼ﾊ　　　　 ｀ヾ┬┴, 　　　　　　　　　　　　＼ ヽ 　 }　/　　 　 　 　 　 　ﾍ┘ﾊ　 　 　　 ｀'┬ﾊ 　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 　 ＼＼ﾙｲ 　 　 　 　 　 　.　ﾉ　,ｲ　　　　 　 　 ヽ　， 　　　　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 ヽ,＼ 　 　 　 　 　　　./ /　　　　 　 　 　　　'.ﾊ. 　　　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 　 ハ__｀ｰｭ. 　 　 　 　 / / 　 　 　 　 　　　　　 '.　､ 　　　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 　 / f´　＼ﾊ　　　　　 / /　　　　　　　　　　　　　} ハ 　 　 　 　　　　　　 　 　 ／.丿　ｨ　 ｀’　　　.／ ﾉ　 　 　 　 　 　　　　　　ﾉ__ .,’ 　　　　　　 　 　 　 　 ∠ ヲ　　　 　 　 　 ∠ ヲ　　　　　　　　　　　　　　{_ イ  

Listen/purchase: NO FEAR DOWNHILL by Infinity Of 6

[babylon-crashing]

faux

“I too Analyze,” the spambot confessed,

“with Safe and Sexy cam models!” “Big Dick

Trickle.” “Dajuana Cox.” “Mother Knows Breast.”

So much for my Shakespeare essay. Type, “Schlick,”

in by mistake and whole new worlds open

up. It makes research a tad hard, bastards.

Still, I'm sure friend Spambot had lots of fun

crafting wretched sex puns from all my words.

Kinda respect such asinine zeal

to the Absurd. Genet would've been proud.

Flarf. Faux Joejobs. Spoems. Ass-'n-9. None

of it sparks joy … like Dick Trickle. Surreal

but not clever. Cold but not kinky. Loud

but not sublime. Zealot but not shaman.

][][

Notes:

Jean Genet is one of my favorite petty criminals and playwrights. Champion of Theatre of the Absurd he wrote The Thief's Journal and Our Lady of the Flowers (where Divine, of Pink Flamingos fame, got her name). The idea of this poem came from Steven Frank's Spamusement! which took subject lines from spam emails and turned them into single-panel gags. Flarf, Joejobs and Spoems do the same thing but, as I've often found, without the humor and self-awareness that makes Frank's work a joy to read.