I spend too much time imagining us.
Us together, us happy, us in love, us at prom, us with kids, us growing old together. I spend hours going over fantastic tales of us in domestic scenes. Of you laughing at my weak ankles and me teasing you for how much math you do for fun.
Of me pretending that I don't hate going outside, and hiking up some God forsaken mountain because I know that's what makes you happy. I have spent long stretches of time envisioning us, side by side on a couch just reading. Me for fun and you for science.
Us crying together because life is not perfect. And neither are we. I spend time thinking of ten thousand ways that I might make you cry, and the ten million ways you could do the same to me. And of me getting on my knees to beg your forgiveness. And of me being wrapped in your big dumb strong arms and you whispering to me. Telling me that you wont leave me. I think of you letting me ugly cry but not making fun of me for it because you respect my fragile pride.
I think of you telling me its okay to eat and me reminding you that you have to eat. Because you seem the type that thinks of his experiments first, his coding second, and his physical needs never. I think about us being asked to parties together and being awkward together. But happy because we're together.
Instead of alone. Like I am now. Because all the things I think of will never come true. You've got better things lined up for you.