#for tn

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

why i can’t be friends

“I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as the starfish loves a coral reef and as kudzu loves trees, even if the oceans turn to sawdust and the trees fall in the forest without anyone around to hear them. I will love you as the pesto loves the fettuccini and ats the horseradish loves the miyagi, and the pepperoni loves the pizza. I will love you as the manatee loves the head of lettuce and as the dark spot loves the leopard, as the leech loves the ankle of a wader and as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you as the doctor loves his sickest patient and a lake loves its thirstiest swimmer. I will love you as the beard loves the chin, and the crumbs love the beard, and the damp napkin loves the crumbs, and the precious document loves the dampness of the napkin, and the squinting eye of the reader loves the smudged document, and the tears of sadness love the squinting eye as it misreads what is written.

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat, and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms. I will love you as a drawer loves a secret compartment, and as a secret compartment loves a secret, and as a secret loves to make a person gasp... I will love you until all such compartments are discovered and opened, and all the secrets have gone gasping into the world. I will love you until all the codes and hearts have been broken and until every anagram and egg has been unscrambled. I will love you until every fire is extinguished and rebuilt from the handsomest and most susceptible of woods. I will love you until the bird hates a nest and the worm hates an apple. I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close... I will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, I will love you if you don't marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else--and i will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.”

Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Thoughts #115

I really really hope you realize that I can never be friends because I still love you. I still long for your presence. Your conversation on Sunday made me so happy. I still adore you. There’s a void in my chest that only your company can fill. So it breaks my heart to say no to you.

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Thoughts #114

It’s hard to stomach it all when the pain is palpable and laid out in front of us. It’s difficult to breathe when you’re sitting before me and I still love you. It’s impossible to see straight when your voice is surrounding me.

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Thoughts #114

I know I’m not over the situation/our relationship, but I thought I was at least over you. But whenever I close my eyes and absentmindedly think about the future, you slip in there still. It’s still you I see, despite all this time and knowledge that we wouldn’t work. I long for emotional freedom.

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Thoughts #113

A year ago I was blissful. I genuinely thought you were the one. I assumed my future would always have you in it. Today I silently sit here. I stew over the cold ashes of our relationship. I grieve.

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Musings #110

Is it unreasonable that I don’t really want to hear from you unless it’s an apology?

[liv-ing-loud-ly]

Thoughts #111

At the end of the day, I’m deeply sad about who you are and the values you hold. I still believe that our personalities are compatible. I really do. But the more time I have to think about it and review everything, the more I realize that our values don’t match. Unless you drastically change, you’re not someone that truly believes in equality and you’re not willing to take a step back to see reality. How could I ever be with someone who actively wants less than equality? Someone that doesn’t care about those suffering? I don’t see how. And it makes me deeply sad.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you dumping me was probably a blessing in disguise. I never would have had the strength to leave you. I loved you way too much.