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How does one comfort their wife over the loss of their mate?

A rough word vomit below

#rowan’s art #Rowan’s writing #acotar #nesta archeron #nesta acotar #pro nesta #neris #eris vanserra #eris acotar #nessian if you squint #in the way that cassian haunts the narrative #pregnant!nesta #eris becoming the dad that steps up #they’ve been haunting me #for weeks

And in this episode of my trashfire life...

Trust me when I say that I'm tired to death of having to make these posts, but I keep getting questions about where I am and how I'm doing (well-meaning ones! (for the most part)) and it's just easier to write a post and direct people to that than send an essay to every single one.

So here goes. Shit that's been happening for the past two months which, unfortunately, has made me incapable of being productive:

Remember the coworker who bullied me? And I worried was going to be holding a grudge for being reprimanded very severely by our boss? Well, I was right to be concerned since we've been "anonymously" reported to the union for bad leadership and a poor work environment. I say "anonymously" because the report was made in a way that circumvented me, my boss, and the union representative at our office (which is an insult to her credibility as well), which is definitely not standard operating procedure and sus as hell. And there is only one of my coworkers who would know how to do that since she's worked at a union. Which is the bullying coworker, yes. Maybe she also got another one or two coworkers on board, but I'm 95% sure she's the main instigator.

So I was bullied and somehow ended up being the one reported. To say that I'm angry, insulted, and extremely exhausted would be an understatement.

Because there's no way to refute a report of this kind, or ask questions or defend yourself. You just have to take it at face value and act as if it's true. Which, again, makes it pretty clear who's responsible since I only have one coworker who knows how severe it is to use this type of report.

All of this means that we now have to do a bunch of internal surveys and meetings to satisfy HR, which is usually a good thing! Like, it's good that these kinds of checks and balances are in place. But it just feels annoying when you know that the cause is one disgruntled employee who couldn't handle being reprimanded for acting like a fucking bully.

Especially since some of my other coworkers are now throwing out their frankly ludicrous complaints and ideas. Like "the word 'no' should be banned at the workplace." I'm sorry, are you fucking five? Or "there's a hierarchy at our workplace." No shit? You mean like at pretty much every other workplace around the world? How horrible! Or "I don't think we should have to be involved in everything going on because I don't have time, but I also want to be informed of everything happening and have a vote in every decision being made ever." This one is paraphrased, I will admit, but that's the gist of it.

(To be fair, I think all of those three are from the same coworker, but since the surveys were supposed to be anonymous, I can't say for sure)

And I'm honestly baffled by how stupid and childish some of my coworkers are. And I want to point out that I'm the only one under 40 at my workplace. These aren't young people not understanding how the real world works — they're just idiots. And people who apparently can't handle the fact that they can't do whatever they want, or that they're not being catered to like spoiled children. But it's partly my job as team leader to see to their needs. And since we're currently investigating the whole "bad leadership and poor work environment" thing, I can't just be honest with them and tell them to grow up, since that would no doubt just serve as "proof."

I am, once again, angry, insulted, and extremely exhausted.

One coworker in particular has taken this as an opportunity to push the boundaries and do whatever the heck she pleases. She and another coworker were asked to evaluate the benefits of producing a specific type of material for our website and, somehow, she took that as the go-ahead to not only plan what the material should be — which isn't even close to what was first suggested and goes completely against everything else we've got planned and the guidelines we've put up — but also get an estimate on how much it would cost to produce.

Thankfully, she did stop before she blew half of our PR budget (which she doesn't actually have authority to spend to begin with), but she's claiming we need to find the money for it soon, or else we won't be able to do this project. Completely ignoring the fact that we weren't actually supposed to do it, just evaluate if we should. And we weren't supposed to do it the way she's suggesting, either, because, again, it goes against previous decisions. Nor do we have the money to do it. And she also went behind the backs of three people and didn't check in with any of us, even if she's supposed to, making all of the decisions herself because she apparently thinks she can. Which she of course can't, since she doesn't have the authority. But she clearly doesn't care.

And, again, due to the whole "bad leadership and poor work environment" thing, I can't just tell her that no, for fuck's sake, we're not doing this — you're way out of line and haven't been listening to a word we've been saying.

So, in short, work has turned into a fucking nightmare and I suddenly have to juggle coworkers who behave like spoiled children, while also not giving them more ammunition to accuse us of abusing power. Which is annoying as fuck since they're the unreasonable ones. Like, who genuinely thinks that "no" can be banned from a workplace? Because it hurts their feelings to be told they can't do something? When they're recklessly trying to throw away half of our PR budget?

Give me strength.

The one bright news is that, apparently, the bullying coworker is quitting — or changing departments, to be more precise. It's her own choice to do so and I can't lie, I'm incredibly happy to see her go. I think it's going to be an improvement because she's been causing so much tension and strife at the office, in more ways than I've listed here. She loves to stir up emotions and make people overreact to small things. So yeah. That's at least going to get solved? But it also makes me wonder why the fuck she insisted on (allegedly) reporting us to the union since she's known about this since December and the report was made in February. But I suppose she's just that petty.

I've also applied for a different position at the same office, under the same boss — whom I adore. It's a completely different role which means I would no longer be a team leader or working with this particular bunch of adult children, but that's just a bonus at this point. I'm not sure if I'll get the job but, if I do, I'm pretty sure I'll take it. Even if it means a slight decrease in my salary. It's also going to cause some major issues for my boss and (while they might not understand it yet) the bunch of unruly coworkers, since I'm the only one with a level head and the knowledge to actually run everything appropriately. They're going to struggle if I leave. But that's their problem, not mine.

Finally — and this one is in many ways bigger than all of the things above and has taken the longest for me to want to talk about — my wife and I are getting a divorce. Not because we don't like each other or are arguing, but because we've simply grown apart. Which... is kind of painful? And it has taken me a long while to admit it to myself. And involves quite a lot of grief and guilt because, well, it's not supposed to go this way, is it? It just feels wrong, especially when you still like and care about each other.

I was the one who asked for it so it's no doubt easier for me than for her — which is also something I feel guilty about — and it's overall one of those things that's just... overwhelming. And sad. And difficult to come to terms with, because it changes the very foundation of your existence. You go from being a part of a unit to a singular entity again. And while I don't regret the decision, it's been a lot to work through emotionally and psychologically. And physically, in some regards, since there was stuff to divide and all that.

But I think it's good? It hurts and it's an adjustment, but it's better than pretending that everything is as it should be when it's not.

So yeah. My life's been a fucking rollercoaster for the past year, year and a half, and I'm so disoriented I barely know what's up or down at this point. I honestly just want it to stop, but I can't say when it actually will. I'm just so goddamn tired.

But, on another happier note, I'm actually finished with A New Dawn now! I just need to edit it. Which, then again, is going to take ages because I hate editing. Also, I kind of wrote a 12k bonus chapter that's basically just a long sex scene. Because of reasons. I'll post both as soon as I'm able.

I'm hoping that finishing A New Dawn will make it easier for me to write since posting on two unfinished projects at the same time has stressed me out a lot and now I'll only have Who Holds the Devil. Which will hopefully help my focus. We'll see.

Anyway. I'm once again sorry that I don't have better news and that... well, it's not my fault that all of this is happening, I guess, but it's beginning to feel genuinely ridiculous that so much shit keeps happening. But, as always, I'll just have to hold on and hope things will settle down. Sooner or later they have to. Right?

Right?

Let's keep our fingers crossed. Take care, my darlings 💜