Sometimes I ask myself, do i want it bad enough?
"The life." The movies, the experiences, the work, the success, the contacts, the people, the fortune. Do I want it badly enough? Grant it, i'm nowhere near success, nowhere near being a "known somebody" in this industry. Do i want it bad enough?
Sometimes, all I want is to get lost in a forest, drink tea, not worry about the stretch marks on my thighs, and not worry about putting make-up on, or looking perfect all the time--well, at least try my very best, to be "perfect,". Hell, sometimes i even want to leave it all, all my accomplishments, all my hard work, everything. Leave all the "congratulations" anyone has ever given me, leave all the short films, all the photos, all the attention and all the art of acting. Leave civilization. Leave my home, go somewhere nobody knows me... or perhaps someplace with no one at all.
Sometimes I doubt myself. Sometimes, I believe I can't do it--make my goal. Have that Oscar in my hand and give my acceptance speech. Sometimes I get bitter actor syndrome. Sometimes I loathe myself for not studying enough for an audition, or messing up somehow.
Sometimes I want to run away.
Other times, I'm the best actress I could ever dream of being. I'm ready. I want it as much as I want air. I want it forever. I want to work as an actress every single day of my life and not stop.... I want to be educated. Know everything there is to know. Technique, people in the industry, names, books, movies that all have to do with acting and film making.
I could say I try, but i'd be lying. I need to try harder. I need to find inspiration. The constant rejection is difficult. I must get thicker skin. I know what i must do to accomplish my goals. I need to breathe it. I need to drink it. I need to eat it. I need to--most importantly--SEE it. ACTING. I need to realize, i can become anything, ANYONE I want to be. Create anyone in my mind, and make them come alive!
They did it, everyone you see in the movie theaters, on TV, at the Oscars, etc. They. Did. It. They're human. Why can't I?
It's not a matter of wanting to hear: "You can do it", or "Keep going". It's about me actually believing it. I have to feel it.
