The heart-break that came late
I summoned the courage left in me as i boarded the train departing piccadilly towards London on a Sunday Morning, hoping, guessing and reminiscing about everything that happened between us.
I thought that I’d moved on from our past and that meeting you again would be much easier. I sat in my seat on the train as it travels from stop to stop towards London. I dunno what i am in for. The whole idea was to move on, give it a proper closure and let things rest.
We finally met at Euston after being apart for 2 years. As a friend? As an ex Lover? call it whatever you want. I have no idea how i should feel. As a friend? As a lover who we can rekindle the love we once shared? I have no answer to all that. If a word is needed to describe that particular situation; I’d say that it would be intimidating. As you side step the crowd whilst walking towards me, I could feel the same happiness that i had whilst you rendezvous at Budapest, the lover that i treasure, the person i shared my hot drinks with, cooked with, shared my secrets with. But deep down i knew that you had changed. I had lost you a couple years ago. That faithful night when you said that we should end it because there’s just too many differences between us and there’s no room for reconciliation. You have no wish to lead me on and that we’re better off apart than being (A PART). Our conversations seem normal but with each topic, i realised that the you’re no longer the happy go lucky and “though i can’t be your first, i wish i can be your last” kinda girl no more. I do still remember very much all that you’ve said and there’s a tiny part of me that still harbours the thought that we can one day re-live those feelings we once shared. But i reckoned at the very end, it has and will always be single sided.
If i may be honest, i felt the most comfortable while we were replying the texts from Princess dowager; sipping red wine. That all too familiar feeling came back and i accepted it with open arms, thinking that things will fall back into their rightful place.
Morning arrived; as we sat at the bar table sipping our coffee and breakfast. it became all too clear that you’ve left everything behind. I was always playing catch up all these time. You said, it’s no longer possible. The feeling was different. I felt exactly the same way i felt when we parted ways two years back. The impact, the words, the tone and the atmosphere, hit right smack into my face and deep into my beating heart. Tears were welling up in my eyes but i cannot and i won’t let it get the better of me, then and there. I need to survive the long journey back, at the very least till I'm back in the train; alone. with each question and statement uttered at that very position we were in, I knew, i have lost you completely.
Half an hour later, after a long and silent train ride back to Euston, i braced myself for the goodbye, probably the final one for the journey back to Piccadilly. As i bid farewell to you and walked steadily to my carriage, all i could see and remember was your back view. The back view i loved while embracing you in my arms. The view which i can only appreciate from afar in the future. I quickly sat down by the window and at that point, i couldn’t hold it back anymore. Tears came flowing down my cheeks, i do not know why i was crying and what i am feeling. All i knew was that i am feeling terrible. If physical pain can be felt, i’d rather feel it compared to the one i had in the train. I tried for far too many times to stop it, but only for the tears to flow right out again. I rushed back to my apartment and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked ghastly. I dunno who i am no more. Why. why am i crying more now compared to me 2 years ago. I detest and despised myself, why am i crying. Why am i in such pathetic state.
I was looking for a proper closure with you. But i guess i got more than what i needed. It was quite a proper and painful one. I am giving myself a week. I Must only take a week, in view of the impending course; to get over you. I have to and i certainly need to. With our every-growing distance, i guess what we had shall be kept in a chest locked and buried. I thank you for everything and i will grow from this. Sometimes i guess the best way is the painful way.
I once promised that my love for you will be undying; i guess i am currently a victim of that promise; because it’s undying for you, that love is killing me chronically inside.
Thank you and i wish you all the very best.
Jesper-T
