Live blog - Gnomeo and Juliet (2011)
So this is a movie called Gnomeo and Juliet and it is another one of those modern "takes" on the Shakespeare play that totally misses the message of the original, which is pretty much "don't think with your genitals, kids." No this one has garden gnomes falling in love and racing with lawnmowers, because OF COURSE gnomes race lawnmowers, like duh.
Shockingly it turns out Ozzy Osbourne does voice acting work in this, and also Patrick Stewart and Jason Statham, so there is some coolness in this movie. It's just. Gnomes what.
Netflix summary: "An edgy Shakespeare adaptation like no other, this animated musical transports the classic tale of forbidden romance between two star-crossed lovers from warring families to the unlikely yet hysterical world of garden gnomes. Featuring songs from legendary recording artist Elton John, this movie features the vocal talents of Emily Blunt, James McAvoy, Jason Statham, Patrick Stewart and Michael Caine."
[18:08]–So I saw this on the Netflix instant
[18:08]–and I just had to watch it
[18:08]–because, Gnomeo and Juliet
[18:09]–and it's based on the shakespeare. But with "hysterical" garden gnomes.
[18:09]–like, for kids?
[18:09]–I am betting that neither Gnomeo nor Juliet die in this
[18:09]–I bet Gnomeo's buddy doesn't die either
[18:09]–BUT MAYBE IT WILL SURPRISE ME
[18:09]–:|
[18:10]–thanks exposition gnome.
[18:10]–okay so the gnome is reading actual shakespeare
[18:10]–but that's SUPER BORING RIGHT
[18:10]–so we launch exposition gnome off the stage
[18:11]–right so montague and capulet are like human next door neighbors
[18:11]–and apparently this is about their garden gnomes
[18:11]–which come to life and walk around
[18:11]–once the people are gone
[18:12]–so I guess the other neighbors are all gone too? or just never look in their neighbors' lawn.
[18:12]–anyway, ANTICS
[18:12]–all the gnomes are color coded
[18:12]–is that a giant toilet
[18:13]–this voice sounds suspiciously familiar
[18:13]–yeah there is a tree
[18:13]–coming out of a giant toilet
[18:13]–in the garden
[18:14]–it is interesting that the foley artist actually has the *chink* of pottery when the gnomes touch each other
[18:14]–and honestly the animation is pretty good
[18:14]–why is a super fragile ceramic gnome climbing a tree
[18:15]–actually compared to all the other gnomes you're clearly more delicate
[18:15]–look at your tiny little stick arms
[18:15]–and you're so skinny
[18:15]–all the other gnomes are much more... filled out
[18:15]–even the inexplicable southern gnome that is wearing plaid and is southern
[18:15]–why is there a distribution of accents
[18:16]–and they are drag racing on lawnmowers or something
[18:16]–because NO ONE WILL NOTICE THAT
[18:16]–whatever there is no need for me to try and understand the reasoning behind this movie and the gnome premise
[18:16]–this music is boring
[18:17]–also the only reason I know I'm supposed to be rooting for Gnomeo is because his name is Gnomeo and that is in the title
[18:17]–oh snap dude you done fucked up the lawnmower
[18:18]–OOH BURN
[18:18]–come out and fight like a gnome
[18:18]–as opposed to what
[18:18]–I really am impressed with this animation though
[18:18]–it is very well done
[18:18]–too bad this movie is DUMB
[18:19]–who has a lighthouse in their garden
[18:19]–like an actual literal lighthouse
[18:19]–it is night now
[18:19]–and there's a lighthouse for some reason
[18:20]–and it's scanning around like a guard tower in a prison or something
[18:20]–no one will ever take you seriously anyway
[18:21]–what?
[18:21]–I don't understand this frog sidekick character
[18:21]–but she's like a ninja or something and was that actually japanese
[18:21]–It sounded like fake japanese
[18:22]–I don't know enough japanese to tell though. I know she didn't actually say "you look hot"
[18:22]–but she could have said something actually in japanese that meant something else
[18:22]–hurr hurr "I love going commando"
[18:22]–hurrrr
[18:22]–of course as garden gnomes you are made of ceramic and therefore have no genitals under those clothes
[18:23]–because the clothes are literally part of your body
[18:24]–I don't even get this
[18:24]–right we really need bullet time for gnomes fighting
[18:25]–apparently the gnomes are hiding their presence from the humans
[18:25]–so
[18:25]–yeah they suck at that basically
[18:26]–why is there a song now
[18:26]–good job she POSED REALLY LADYLIKE right in front of the moon like that
[18:26]–and by "really ladylike" I mean she stuck out her little gnome boobs
[18:27]–and their eyes meet and their little not-brains stop working
[18:27]–you know garden gnomes are hollow
[18:27]–so
[18:27]–they don't actually have brains
[18:27]–in their ceramic heads
[18:27]–Gnomeo is a douche
[18:28]–remember kids, being a douche to people is how you show you like them or some crap
[18:28]–this is dumb
[18:28]–if there weren't fancy music how would we even know
[18:29]–like, that they liked each other
[18:29]–OH NO HE IS BLUE
[18:29]–AND SHE IS RED
[18:29]–OH NOOOOO
[18:29]–this is
[18:29]–the WORST
[18:29]–POSSIBLE
[18:29]–THING
[18:30]–yeah get back on your pedestal?
[18:30]–you know
[18:30]–in the original play
[18:30]–Juliet is like twelve
[18:30]–that is why she has to stay inside where it is safe
[18:30]–because she is A CHILD
[18:30]–or maybe 13 I'd have to look it up
[18:30]–I am not a shakespeare nut
[18:31]–oh god is a gnome's hat like a sex symbol thing
[18:31]–noooo
[18:31]–what do the ladyhats mean then
[18:31]–they all have hats
[18:31]–what
[18:31]–how
[18:31]–is it like
[18:31]–what
[18:31]–I hate this frog
[18:31]–I hope she smashes
[18:32]–she's all "IT'S DOOMED LOVE THIS IS AWESOME"
[18:32]–yeah for YOU, frog
[18:32]–you are an asshole
[18:32]–and dumb
[18:32]–and really insensitive
[18:32]–that frog isn't your friend
[18:32]–that frog is mean
[18:32]–....
[18:33]–was that a brokeback mountain reference
[18:33]–with two gnomes attached to the same ceramic platform?
[18:33]–what
[18:33]–what does that even mean
[18:33]–how do gnomes even
[18:33]–even
[18:33]–do
[18:33]–things
[18:33]–why would a gnome fall in love
[18:34]–this is shitty paraphrasing of the stuff with the thing
[18:34]–balcony scene
[18:34]–I'm pretty sure in the play that didn't all happen in one night
[18:35]–thanks frog
[18:35]–no one is going to die in this movie you know
[18:35]–no one will ever die
[18:36]–YEP GONE FOREVER
[18:36]–frog why are you such a jerk
[18:36]–she is totes an evil asshole
[18:37]–the frog is not right
[18:37]–the frog is a cruel heartless jerk
[18:37]–ditch you when he finds out how much you weigh?
[18:38]–okay first he already knows that from the scene where they met
[18:38]–second apparently chubbiness is a desireable trait in gnomes
[18:38]–third, WOW ASSHOLE
[18:38]–seriously fuck you
[18:39]–like Juliet's gnome weight is SO IMPORTANT that if she has more ounces than one would think that like
[18:39]–what he's not going to like her
[18:39]–like it's impossible anyone could?
[18:39]–jerk
[18:39]–I hate that frog
[18:39]–smash the frog
[18:39]–smash her
[18:40]–:|
[18:40]–what
[18:40]–who would make a ride-on lawnmower with a PLOW AND BACKHOE
[18:40]–and when I say plow
[18:40]–I mean
[18:41]–something else I can't remember the name of
[18:41]–bucket lifter?
[18:41]–whatever
[18:41]–the thing on the front of a backhoe
[18:41]–but it's also a lawnmower
[18:41]–I hate the frog
[18:42]–why are you putting duct tape on juliet
[18:42]–was that supposed to be waxing?
[18:42]–gnomes do not have body hair
[18:42]–they are ceramic
[18:42]–their hair is ceramic mold
[18:42]–it's not hair
[18:42]–what
[18:43]–yeah okay so I've never actually read Romeo and Juliet
[18:43]–and honestly I am kind of like
[18:44]–I don't really remember Paris as a character
[18:44]–but I'm willing to bet he wasn't such a huge nerd in the play
[18:44]–shit I know Gnomeo's voice
[18:44]–I am not looking it up
[18:44]–I bet it was in the opening credits and I missed it
[18:45]–I guess garden gnomes fucking love lawnmowers or whatever
[18:45]–yeah
[18:45]–I'm sure that a gnome can pick a padlock with a long piece of metal from the ground
[18:45]–shittiest padlock ever
[18:45]–the tumblers must have just fallen out
[18:46]–or was it a literal stick
[18:46]–why is there a flamingo
[18:46]–great the flamingo was locked in the toolshed for thirty years
[18:46]–alone
[18:47]–so it is now completely mad
[18:47]–what
[18:47]–then why would you say wait if you were just going to say "don't hold back"
[18:47]–is that a thing people do
[18:48]–I don't
[18:48]–even get it
[18:48]–they are not wishes
[18:48]–blah blah my dad is overprotective blah
[18:49]–but somehow I am still all like
[18:49]–super whatever
[18:49]–NO IT CAN'T
[18:49]–THE END
[18:49]–there are still 40 minutes left in this
[18:49]–what else could possibly happen
[18:49]–there needs to be some DEATH
[18:49]–DEATH DEATH DEATH
[18:50]–wtf she doesn't have any ceramic texturing
[18:50]–is she some sort of polymer gnome?
[18:50]–omg she is plastic!
[18:51]–yeah so the gnomes raised the wisteria tree or whatever
[18:51]–IN A TOILET FOR SOME REASON
[18:51]–um
[18:52]–the frog ls
[18:52]–no
[18:52]–JUST NO
[18:52]–it was the rosepetal scene from American Beauty
[18:52]–with the frog
[18:52]–except THE FROG IS ALWAYS NAKED
[18:52]–SO
[18:52]–WHAT IS BEING COVERED BY PETALS
[18:52]–WHAT IS HAPPENING
[18:53]–...
[18:53]–no
[18:53]–is
[18:53]–no
[18:53]–is that jason statham
[18:54]–no way
[18:54]–NO WAY
[18:54]–right whatever I'm checking the IMDB
[18:55]–FUCK
[18:55]–IT IS
[18:55]–I knew I recognized that voice
[18:55]–omgwtf
[18:55]–ozzy osboure is the fucking deer?
[18:56]–man I don't even know what to think any more
[18:56]–the deer is now automatically my favorite character
[18:56]–by the way elton john did the songs or whatever in this
[18:56]–and I don't like any of them
[18:56]–they're not specifically bad
[18:57]–but I don't like them
[18:57]–OH NO TOOK THE ONE FLAMINGO
[18:57]–NOW BOTH THE FLAMINGOS ARE LONELY
[18:57]–DOOMED FOREVER
[18:57]–FUCK YOU FLAMINGO
[18:57]–AND YOU SOCCER BALL
[18:57]–tragic
[18:57]–way to not sell the house
[18:58]–you just lost all that property value for no reason
[18:58]–I want more Jason Statham
[18:58]–dude your frog friend is an asshole
[18:58]–and your dad is an asshole too
[18:58]–he just wants you to stay on a pedestal FOR. EV. ER.
[18:58]–super boring yo
[18:59]–dude you can't just stick the flower in the dirt like that
[18:59]–it's just a stem
[18:59]–that thing is gonna die
[18:59]–JUST LIKE YOU
[18:59]–haha it's your idiot friend
[18:59]–oh just let him go
[18:59]–yay more Jason Statham
[18:59]–KILL HIM JASON
[19:00]–AWESOME
[19:00]–wait he isn't dead
[19:00]–he just got his hat cut off
[19:00]–LAME
[19:01]–D:
[19:01]–nooooo
[19:01]–Jason Statham Gnome got smashed
[19:01]–OzzyDeer is sad
[19:02]–smash ALL the gnomes!
[19:02]–wow that is creepy as shit
[19:02]–and then gnomeo was hit by a car
[19:02]–and died
[19:03]–wow
[19:03]–that totally ahppened
[19:03]–*happened
[19:03]–awesome!
[19:03]–how is there still another half hour
[19:04]–awesome
[19:04]–he's not dead it was really a teapot
[19:04]–but now the dog is gonna EAT HIM
[19:04]–or more likely just bury him in the ground somewhere lol
[19:04]–yep
[19:04]–I was right
[19:04]–run you little ceramic bastard!
[19:05]–why are you out of breath you are a gnome
[19:05]–you don't need to breathe
[19:05]–we know this because you DON'T DROWN
[19:05]–who plays catch with a gnome they found in the park
[19:05]–WOW
[19:05]–they glued juliet to the pedestal
[19:06]–ASSHOLE
[19:06]–man she's going to just go slowly insane you know that right
[19:06]–unable to move
[19:06]–trapped
[19:06]–slow descent into insanity
[19:06]–dude OzzyDeer can sing her Diary of a Madman!
[19:06]–it'll be great
[19:06]–yeah fuck you frog
[19:06]–you are terrible
[19:07]–how do people not notice the gnomes
[19:07]–they just made a flower memorial that says "gnomeo"
[19:07]–how would that like
[19:07]–not be totally obvious
[19:08]–oh shit the blue gnomes are gonna get on the internet
[19:08]–I don't get the thing with the mushroom
[19:08]–apparently mushrooms are the dogs of the gnome world
[19:08]–because apparently the mushroom can SMELL GNOMEO
[19:09]–I don't even know how that works because ceramic doesn't have a distinctive scent
[19:09]–see people and animals do
[19:09]–because of sweat and dead skin flakes and stuff
[19:09]–but it's like
[19:09]–how would you tell one bit of ceramic from all the rest
[19:09]–also that gnome looks super dumb without his hat
[19:10]–why
[19:10]–is there
[19:10]–a david hasselhoff screen saver
[19:11]–anyway the now hatless gnome is gonna get the super ultra lawnmower
[19:11]–FOR SOME REASON
[19:11]–not sure what the purpose is
[19:11]–again, wouldn't you think people would realize this
[19:11]–anyway semaphore rabbits are pretty clever
[19:12]–THE FUCK
[19:12]–DOLL IN HOUSE IS ALSO ALIVE!?
[19:12]–and says "call me"
[19:12]–because... she has a phone. and so does the gnome.
[19:12]–NO THEY DON'T
[19:12]–THAT IS NONSENSICAL
[19:12]–THAT IS AWFUL
[19:13]–they don't get back together
[19:13]–they die
[19:13]–THEY DIE
[19:13]–it's awesome that the statue of william shakespeare is Patrick Stewart
[19:13]–and is like
[19:13]–THEY BOTH DIE IT IS SO AWESOME
[19:13]–IT IS AMAZING
[19:13]–DEATH IS AWESOME
[19:13]–also you are smashed now lol
[19:14]–aw saved by a flamingo. pft.
[19:14]–even better since Stewart actually did shakespeare stuffs for real and is totally awesome
[19:15]–haha
[19:15]–revenge setting
[19:15]–RUE THE DAY
[19:15]–RUE IT
[19:15]–and now the bunnies are in Braveheart warpaint
[19:16]–I don't think a tiny gnome should be driving that thing
[19:16]–also once again
[19:16]–how can you even do this
[19:16]–and not have the humans find out
[19:16]–I mean
[19:16]–what
[19:16]–you obviously SUCK AT SUBTLETY
[19:16]–whatever I hope you die
[19:16]–smash him good lawnmower!
[19:16]–attack ALL the things!
[19:17]–and now there is just gnome war or whatever
[19:17]–paris has been berried
[19:17]–anyway this is all very silly
[19:18]–come with me!
[19:18]–sorry can't I'm GLUED
[19:18]–fortunately BERRIES ARE FUCKING SOFT
[19:18]–well I don't know who designed this lawn mower
[19:19]–but they clearly did not do it with maintaining manicured lawns in mind
[19:19]–that's like, the sort of thing for clearing a property to build on it
[19:19]–GASP
[19:19]–(everyone just gasped)
[19:19]–(so I did too)
[19:19]–well they finally smooched
[19:19]–haha
[19:20]–Patrick Stewart: "Told you so!"
[19:20]–you are so awesome Patrick
[19:20]–but I bet the only gnome to die will be Jason Statham
[19:20]–who I ironically also saw die last night because I watched Ghosts of Mars
[19:20]–which was pretty meh actually
[19:21]–HAHA YOUR KIDS ARE DEAD
[19:21]–IT IS ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR FEUD
[19:21]–YOU GUYS SUCK
[19:21]–yeah everyone is sad because gnomeo and juliet were THE MOST POPULAR EVER
[19:21]–oh look borat gnome is fine
[19:21]–no one seems happy about it though
[19:21]–they're all assholes
[19:21]–you could at least pretend to be happy
[19:22]–yay feud over
[19:22]–but empty pedestal is
[19:22]–NOT EMPTY
[19:22]–GASP
[19:22]–shocker yo
[19:22]–juliet's head!
[19:22]–not attached to her body!
[19:23]–holy shit that is gruesome!
[19:23]–just kidding she's fine
[19:23]–that would have been a way better ending though
[19:23]–NO YOU ARE WRONG
[19:23]–I WANT THE DEATH ENDING
[19:23]–and now there is an ending montage
[19:24]–for no real reason
[19:24]–yep
[19:24]–dancing gnomes
[19:24]–but look the blue ones and red ones are dancing together
[19:24]–so I guess all that bad blood is forgotten and stuff
[19:24]–oh jason statham gnome is back. glued back together.
[19:25]–SEE NO ONE IS REALLY DEAD KIDS
[19:25]–IT IS ALL OK
[19:25]–blah blah everything is happy
[19:25]–bored now
[19:26]–I knew they didn't have the guts to murder the gnomes
[19:26]–well the animation was good and stuff
[19:26]–but
[19:26]–what is the point
[19:26]–answer: there wasn't one
[19:26]–it's romeo and juliet with gnomes and a happy ending or whatever
[19:27]–super surprise because omg kids movie with FUCKING GARDEN GNOMES
[19:27]–also I just looked htis up
[19:27]–the guy who voiced gnomeo is James McAvoy
[19:27]–who played Charles Xavier in X-Men First Class
[19:27]–and
[19:27]–yeah
[19:27]–Mr. Tumnus?
[19:28]–what
[19:28]–anyway that's probably why his voice sounded familiar too
[19:28]–Jason Statham should have gone on a rampage and smashed all the gnomes
[19:28]–that should have been him
[19:28]–also he should have been gnomeo
[19:28]–and like
[19:28]–done all the things
[19:28]–I like Jason Statham
[19:29]–anyway THE MOVIE IS OVER NOW BYE