Wow, YOU WON’T BELIEVE Who Gakusei Kai Hired Next!
Last week, the Dynosteve fantasy football league was shocked to learn that founding owner and coach of the Gakusei Kai Nickelsnatchers, Mitchell Golden, was fired by the majority ownership, thanks to a collection of poor decision-making and even poorer businessmanship. Since then, the Shadow Organization, known only by the acronym GORP, has taken on the decision making responsibilities for the team until they could hire a suitable replacement for their former coach.
“We have no intention of running Gakusei Kai forever,” said spokesperson Jennifer Hudson earlier this week, “GORP is a mysterious multi-national corporation, and quite honestly a small fantasy team based (we think?) in a rundown international fraternity is a complete waste of our considerable resources.”
Several big time names were ballyhooed about in the past week, including Ric “Wonder Boy” Flair, Richard Branson, Greg Ostertag, and Jon Gruden (honestly, when is he not in rumor?). But when it came down to the two finalists, well, they weren’t who you’d expect.
“We’re surprised this was as secret a process as it is,” said Hudson, “We literally told Steve Schefter last week who we were hiring, so hopefully people would stop sending us their resumes. One guy sent us a glitter bomb covered in blue paint--that was not fun. But of course, Steve has his ‘penchant for mystery,’ and since our PR team has only just now figured out how photoshop works, we’ve had to wait til today to release our decision to the Dynosteve world... and whoever else in this world cares about the league. Probably crackheads. Was that wrong to say? Whatever, I don’t care, I’m rich.”
After a lengthy chat with the on-hand HR rep, Hudson revealed to us the two finalists. First, the failed finalist... Steve Nash.
Basketball player? Alien in disguise? WHO CARES?! He didn’t make it as Nickelsnatcher coach, so back to irrelevancy, Mr. Nash.
Apparently, Steve Nash was just too nice, and despite a well mapped out plan for success, GORP just didn’t see any killer potential within him. They saw a bunch of wins, but nothing come playoff time. The Nickelsnatchers are well acquainted with Mediocrity, as evidenced by their second time in the bracket (with an even better record than last year, though that apparently did nothing to salvage Golden’s career).
So, they sent Nash back up to Saskatchewan, or wherever it was he came from, and hired their new man...
HAYMITCH GOLDEN
Official Photo Release for the KAI New Coach announcement. Photo credit Associated Press.
“We at GORP were blown away by Haymitch’s history of success,” said new spokesperson Clay Aiken, replacing Jennifer Hudson, who is now pending internal review. “Not only had he successfully won a Hunger Games as a coach for literally the worst district, but he also organized a wildly victorious coup against a futuristic dictatorship with a moody teenage girl as a figurehead. And all while drunk, too! This guy bleeds success--literally, on top of his resume, his blood type is A+. We’re thrilled to have him, and hope that he finally ends Gakusei Kai’s streak of being... invisible.”
When told that the Haymitch from the Hunger Games had the last name Abernathy, not Golden, and that the man in the picture looked an awful lot like Mitch Golden in a wig and funny suit, Aiken had no comment, and disappeared into the night.