#frozen transfer

[hopelesslyhopefulforyou]

We have a transfer date!!

We transfer our lovely little darling on Thursday, November 4th!

I start Progesterone in Oil tomorrow!

💗💙

[queerlybelovedones]

A coworker that I’m friends with made these for Camden. I wasn’t super close with her but honestly she became one of the few people I will see outside of work cause she’s really down to earth. She loves our little girl and was so interested when I told her about ivf.

I am in love with them.

[queerlybelovedones]

Frozen transfer...let’s do this

After yet another hot date with Wanda, my lining is thick enough, the hormones are in check enough, and the embryos look great enough.

Next Tuesday, 2 day 5 blasts, both 3AA will be put back in between acupuncture visits. CNY is pretty great about that and do them in house.

It’s been an expensive cycle but please for the love of god let this work.

HGH, Lupron, plaquenil, prednisone, LDN, CBD oil, inositol, HCG wash, intralipids, acupuncture, lovenox plus all the other meds and supplements.

Maybe 2019 WILL be the best year yet.

[wantbabybump]

Secondary Infertility: Something I never thought i would struggle with. When i found out i was pregnant, it was twins then that i had a boy AND a girl. I thought i was done. I have my boy and my girl. What more could i ask for? I was 100% thought I was done. Then I had my kids and it was hard and stressful and one of the most challenging adjustments I ever made. Going from none to two kids, premature, severe reflux with dairy intolerance. It was definitely stressful and rough. Six months in, i was asked "anymore kids?"... "nope, definitely not. A year in "anymore kids?", "hmmm..I dont think so, but maybe?". A year and a half in.... "I want another baby!!!" Once they became more independent, less needy, I missed the baby stage. Finally at three years old, my family was ready for another transfer. The timing was right, the money situation was right, it just was time!

My first FET worked and gave me my twins. I never thought that it wouldn't work. My first FET after my twins was the same grade, I did almost the same protocol and I responded to meds better this time. I was so hopeful. After getting my first very faint positive four days after transfer i took it as a good sign. It was the same thing that happened with my twins. I watched the line get darker each day, til it didn't. It was very appearant by day 7 that something wasn't right. The test was no longer getting as dark as I though it should. Beta day came, nurse said "Its postive, but a very low positve, be cautiously optimistic. Maybe the baby implanted late". Which i knew wasn't the case, cause of when i started getting postives. It was a holiday weekend, so i couldn't get repeat bloodwork til four days later. But by day two or three my tests were stark white. No hint at a line. I stopped my medications. I did follow up bloodwork but never recieved the results. I was heartbroken. I didn't understand. I would of almost it rather been completely negative, then building my hopes up just to be shattered.

I took some time, I needed to heal my heart, I needed to get in the right mindset again. This time I stopped drinking caffiene and tried to watch my diet a little better and make sure i really upped my water. I did my protocol as with my twins and made sure i did the crappy lovenox, burn and bruise shot. I had my transfer, a less graded embryo, but still a good embryo. I did the acupuncture before and after. I kept my feet warm (seeing as its now winter). I went a little crazy this time, started testing at day three past. Wouldn't you know it, the slightest, lightest, faintest line. I thought for sure this was a good sign but I still didn't want to get my hopes up. Tested everyday, was getting darker, and then it stopped again. Same as before. My bloodwork came back with a hcg at 6. (anything about 5 is pregnant, but below 25 is likely not viable) I asked the nurses about just stopping meds. I'm a realist, I knew this was also going to end in miscariage. They said to stay on meds, do repeat in 48 hours. I did as instructed and that hcg came back negative. I knew it was gonna be that outcome, but did it still hurt, absolutely. Again, I would of much rather had it be negative all the way instead of postive then negative. It just sucks. And then people tell you, well you have your twins at least. Duh! But i still mourn the fact that I now have 2 kids earthside and FOUR in heaven. I've been pregnant 4 times technically and only have given birth once.

Which brings me to secondary infertility. Which I almost think its worse emotioinally. At least for me. Before my twins, it sucked, i was heartbroken everytime it didn't happen. But I didn't know just how much I was missing. I didn't know what baby kicks feel like. I didn't know that feeling the first time seeing your baby on ultrasound, then in person, then each new thing that they do. I really didn't know what I missing, now I do. And while I experienced ALOT with pregnancy and being a mom. Theres also so much that I missed that I wanted to experience.

I went into labor before i could do my maternity pictures. I had my kids so early that i didn't get to see them for hours and hold them for days. I didn't get to keep them in my hospital and make decisions for them. They were in the NICU and someone else told me when I could hold my child and for how long. When I could feed my child and how to. I didn't give them their first baths, I didn't get to breastfeed the natural way. I had to pump and take breastmilk to NICU. I didn't get newborn pictures, and when they did get out of the NICU I was so broke I couldn't afford for anyone to do them. The first six weeks of my kids life, I didn't feel fully like their mom.

I just want a chance to have a normal pregnancy. A normal birth and to get to take my baby home after the 72 hours in the hospital. I have 2 embryos left, based on previous chemical pregnancies, the DR is suggesting I transfer both. When I do a FET again it will be my last and final try. I cannot afford the $8000-$10,000 to do a complete IVF cycle again. If money was no object, I would most definitely try again (after I swore I would never! Never say never! haha). So I have one more chance. I could end up with 0-4 babies by transferring 2. We are hoping for one sticky healthy full term bring home bean. But will take what god decides to give us. When will i transfer again? Not sure, I have about $4000 wrapped up in medical bills from the previous 2 transfers that I'm trying to pay off before adding more bills, and will be waiting for better weather. (although christmas oddly felt like spring somehow?) So next transfer is to be determined! But heres to hoping and praying for a sticky bring home babe.

[wantbabybump]

It's been a month since I found out about you. Almost 3 weeks since I found out I wont be meeting you earthside sweet child. I cant bring myself to throw out the pregnancy tests, it's the only proof I have that you were here. Even if it was for a short time.

[ashtill27]

Another one bites the dust

And just like that… another failed IVF cycle under my belt. Friday I had some spotting and by Saturday I had a full blown period so the blood test on Sunday was a waste of time but my poor hubby was holding on so hard to hope. Needless to say, we got the dreaded call around 2:30 stating the test was negative. Both the hubs and I are completely bummed out, frustrated, and feeling pretty broken.

 Today I had the infamous… what I call, the “WTF” appointment. The most frustrating part is, they can’t tell you exactly why things aren’t implanting, why things aren’t developing the way they should… nothing of actual clear cut… this is what were going to do different was discussed. Just another… well we’re going to run another sonohysterogram (ya know cus that’s always fun) and check your thyroid level, yet again. So annoying.

 And now we wait and try to figure out if we want to do a frozen or fresh cycle. Oye vey… here’s hoping!