I really really wish I had someone here to help take care of me. Daily tasks like fuckin laundry and showering are hard enough when I’m not physically sick, and they feel all but impossible while I am. Don’t eat as much as I should because I don’t have the energy to make anything, dads depressed too, and he’s not usually hungry anyway. I don’t sleep as much as I should cus my body’s sleep is fucked up and even being exhausted doesn’t help. I live in filth because I can barely manage to keep dishes off my desk, and doing things like linens and picking things up is an insurmountable task. I’m barely showering because all my clothes are dirty, and the shower by me is still clogged because nobody fucking does anything about things like that. Jon’s useless and stoned half the time, and getting out of the house is like climbing a goddamn cliff for me.
Not that I have money to spend anyway!! Not like I can go get drain cleaner or medicine cus otherwise I won’t make bills!! And I’m too fucking behind in my work that the shame already steadily crushes me!!! I’m ashamed about my work ethic and I’m ashamed about how I live and I’m ashamed about half the emotions I feel and I don’t know how to ask for or accept help!! My body feels like it’s just a weak frame now that keeps breaking and my inability to take care of myself properly is probably why I’m still as sick as I am, and I wish I had someone here to physically help me!! My friends do their best and keep me from feeling too crushed, but all they can offer is words, and I still manage to feel fuckin lonely and forgotten because I live in such a sad environment and no one comes to visit me unless I make them or I go to them and it sucks so much. I’m just existing in my sad little hovel trying to get by because what else am I going to do, and I’m not depressed enough to be completely crippled, just enough to make everything a real bitch to handle.
I wish I had someone who could hug me for a long time and mean it, and help me do the things that I can’t. I wish I didn’t have these useless feelings about someone still, and I wish I could just fucking get over it instead of aching again when I’m left alone too long. I know my friends want me around and their company is probably the only thing really keeping me together, but part of me still feels unwanted or unimportant cus I’m still so goddamn lonely and no one touches me enough and I can never bring myself to ask cus I don’t know how to ask for anything for myself unless I’m desperate and it’s not too personal. I just bundle it up and trudge on cus I tell myself I can handle it, and I can’t just force someone to love me and be considerate enough the way I’m wanting.
I used to tell myself I gave a lot and I just wanted to have the same thing shown to me, and the latter is still true, but more and more i wonder if I’m not really giving much at all and I just want someone to take care of me instead. And then what if I’m manipulating them into it? I just feel so worn down and have felt so worn down for the past 10 years I want to stop having to struggle on my own, but that’s not fair to expect someone else to pick up my weight and just carry me, so I guess I just fuckin continue on and try to keep the few good things in my life from falling apart.
I wish I didn’t automatically dismiss almost all of my feelings. I wish I felt I could express them without fear of being manipulative or unfairly needy. I wish I didn’t feel so alone. I wish someone would help me with my stupid laundry.
