#fu blabs

[fuleao]

a couple days ago i reblogged a post and mentioned I had been reminded of Adventures in Odyssey, another odd piece of christian media i grew up with i still can only remember one episode, and i just need to tell someone that the plot featured a sentient(?) talking chicken toy who was an allegory for drugs

[fuleao]

Actually, speaking of my childhood listening to The Cars: I don’t think I’ll ever be over the realization I had at 22, that my devout Christian father had regularly played the song Tonight She Comes and just hoped his small children didn’t run around singing it, I guess.

[fuleao]

I JUST HEARD A MOURNING DOVE, BAYBEE

[fuleao]

A lady asked me to go out to lunch with her since she found out I’m moving and I feel absolutely sick cause I know this is just gonna lead to me having to explain myself again about leaving religion and my moving situation, which I always feel stupid explaining to someone

people keep asking me to do things that stress me out but I feel obligated to do them to prove my current plans aren’t cause I’m mad at anybody

[fuleao]

well just dammit

i wanna stop having mental quagmires like every single day

i’m trying i really am but i think my whole situation is working against me right now

[fuleao]

It;s still weird the way that sound sensitivity works, like if the music is too loud it gets to me, but if I sing really loudly right back at it, it’s easier to manage

[fuleao]

Actually positive but still personal so I’m still gonna smack it under a readmore

I’m always rambling about the bad times so I’m gonna make a post about how it actually went right this time, because I can

Like, it was a bad bad week and when I woke up Saturday it was crushing. Thoughts were spiraling, all I wanted to do was lie there and wallow in them, and I could barely talk.It was very easy to think that was just the way it was gonna be all weekend, especially with the time of month coming up.

Except I just decided not to. I got up. I used some trinkets I knew I could use to trick my brain. I danced around until I could hardly breathe and went outside a bunch and didn’t let myself isolate myself from people. I fuckin chose to change my thinking and used mindfulness stuff I’ve been learning.

It hasn’t been perfect, I’ve still felt panicky about future plans or suddenly gotten deeply deeply lonely. There’s still that really stupid urge that’s been cropping up lately when I want to burn my hand with hot water (have NOT actually done it, no worries). I still didn’t do a whole lot of work catchup this weekend.

But you know what, I wrote in a few fields on my SLP application which is more than I’ve done in a while

And trust me, the last couple of days could have been an absolute wreck

Fuck I’ll just say it, I’m proud of myself

[fuleao]

I have no confidence in having personal relationships any more

I think too much about all the people who used to be a big part of my life and are now basically strangers

I’m way too quick to feel like I can’t hold a conversation with a person, or that I’m always the one initiating conversation, and I switch between trying to keep checking in with a person and then worrying I’m bugging them, but then if I leave them alone it feels sad that we never talk, and what if they were used to me checking in and are worried about bothering me

I’m clinging to people too hard cause honestly it feels like anyone who isn’t a blood relative is eventually going to drift away, but at the same time I’m scared of making them feel stuck with me

It gets hard to tell people I love them, or the ways they make me happy, or even compliment the nice things about them, because it just feels like creating an obligation

I’m just hyperfocusing on all the ways my presence could be something I’m inflicting on people

And then there’s the  like...feeling like there’s always someone a person cares about more than me, and it feels gross that that bothers me

I’m making it too easy for me to get hurt by other people and I need to stop

How did I even get like this