#fuckacoke

[fuckacoke]

I'm getting bad again.

[fuckacoke]

[fuckacoke]

Yo, I was fuckadietcoke and fuckacokezero but I got terminated last year. I’ve finally caved in and made yet another account because I can’t stand the loneliness. Hopefully this one won’t get terminated. I’m going to stay away from using tags to keep my blog on the down low. My first blog got terminated because it ended up getting way too much attention because one of my memes that wasn't about EDs blew up. Hopefully people can still find my blog so I'm not just talking to myself on here.

[fuckacoke]

Currently on my first outing by myself sober, not feeling good.

It doesn't help that my family freaks out when I leave. My anxiety disorder is already telling me that I could be attacked, there's no need for them to tell me.

[fuckacoke]

I hate how feral I go whenever I start talking to someone, even if it's just platonic. It consumes me.

[fuckacoke]

A comment that stuck with me is, "If you're going to kill yourself, you have nothing left to lose. If you have nothing left to lose, why not give it your all to change your life?" (Something along those lines). I decided that I would give myself until mid next year to get my shit together or I'll kill myself, but I have to try damn hard to do so.

However, I simply don't have the energy or motivation to do anything. I haven't applied for a job in months. I had to cancel my appointment with a job recruitment agency because I couldn't get out of bed.

I'm going to go to the doctor to get a blood test because I feel like this isn't just a mental illness issue. I've had vitamin deficiencies in the past that made it almost impossible for me to leave my bed.

I also want to ask for antidepressants. They've never worked before, but I have to try. There's plenty of antidepressants that I haven't tried before that might work. I just have no idea how to say it to my doctor. I've never asked for help before, it was just given to me. My doctor will definitely start asking about my feelings and specifics, and I physically can't talk about those sorts of things.

[fuckacoke]

Thinking about that time a woman wanted to see what my brothers looked like so my mother showed her a family photo, and she immediately just zoomed in on me and said to me, "Wow, is that you??? You look like a completely different person, you look like a model." I was just skinnier.

[fuckacoke]

My childhood best friend, who I haven't spoken to since she cut me off 10 years ago, just randomly started texting me like nothing happened. We met up for coffee last week and I don't know how to feel about it.

It was awkward at some parts but it went quite well overall. We laughed a lot and reminisced. It just feels quite weird to me that she wasn't that nice to me back then and now she wants to be my friend again out of the blue. I literally don't speak to anyone else outside of my immediate family so I guess I can't be too fussy about who I become friends with.

It made me quite sad how she has lived a normal teenage and early 20s life, and I haven't really made any friends after she cut me off, so I didn't get to experience that. I'm worried that she's going to figure out how I've been a complete and utter loner for years, and think that I'm a freak.

She wants to meet up again but I don't know if we have anything left to talk about. I certainly don't have anything happening in my life to talk about. When I got home, I was completely exhausted and had to take painkillers for my head.