#fuji speaks

[anemia-rp]

Every day I woke up and wonder:

Do I feel like a princess today?

Or more like a torturer?

Or maybe both at the same time?

[anemia-rp]

A lot of the members of my clan have been people in need. People with no home to stay, with no money, with no job that's suitable for them. I like to help those people, to get their life back into order more or less and make it possible they can play in a band, for example.

Most of those people are grateful for this. They can ask me for support, everything is fine.

But once in a while I enounter people who will thank me for this support with ungratefulness and arrogance, with interpreting me helping them as something bad and convicting my help as something I do although they suppose it is a hassle for me. And when I withdraw my help 'cause they apparently don't appreciate it, don't want and need it and even suggest themselves that they should keep on living without my support I'm in the bad as well and a horrible person for tossing them out 'cause they're so sick and no one would let them live with them. All this just because they had hoped for me to be their emotional caregiver and fall in love with them on top, 'cause I'm apparently one of the very few who has been ever worthy to talk to them, so their words. A house, a job, paying their bills - they thank me for this with talking at me in the most disrespectful, know-it-all haughty tone, appearing with not a single bit of ability to self-reflect on their behaviour and reproachfully accusing me for not caring enough about them. Words typed on the phone I bought them.

It's people like this who will make me check more carefully who deserves my support. It's people like this who turn the society into an even more selfish one.

I'm very disappointed. Some people indeed want and deserve their misery and should be left to dwell in their constant victim mindset.

[anemia-rp]

I'm not a service top. I'm a religion, baby.

[anemia-rp]

Friendly reminder to stay safe and sane in that fucking hell of a weather and around people who try to manipulate you. Hide in a corner and keep your paranoia up high. Evil is everywhere. That's it, bye.

[anemia-rp]

Karma bites everyone in the butt one day.

[anemia-rp]

Why does this head have a migraine and a craving for

at the same time?

[anemia-rp]

When people ask 'What's your body count?' I automatically assume they want to know how many people I killed.

Which is the original meaning of it. Calling the amount of people you fucked an amount of victims is somewhat funny, hah.

[anemia-rp]

Just read Kedamonotachi no Jikan. And I thought about cancelling appointments just to keep reading it.

First lemme tell what bothered me about it though: It's somewhat obvious the mangaka didn't have an end for it in mind when they started it, and probably still don't have. But if you don't let this fact bother you too much you get the most insane read of your life probably. Like I've seen and read quite a lot of stuff before, but this was the most mind-blowing shit ever probably. Not 'cause it's been super shocking and sick to to the core, yeah, that's why as well, but things only get intense if they go really into depth. Psychological depth.

Spoiler for me re-telling what happens, for the sick content of the story, and for me being not less sick.

It starts off as a story about a guy kidnapping a girl and keeping her hostage, but soon it turns out that they both have made the same experiences of abuse through their parents, something that unites them because they understand each other's pain. For some while the guy seems to have a normal phase, but then he eventually gets fully psychiotic again when the girl finds out he has already kidnapped and mutilated other girls before, leading to him wanting to do the same to her, too. After all he wants her dependend onto him forever so she can't leave him.

But this ends up into the girl defending herself, choking the guy so hard he gets a brain injury and is psychically disabled. Like this he can't be a danger to the girl anymore. But what should the girl do? She could get into troubles herself. So she amputates his arms and legs and keeps him as her dog secretly, in a cage and all. In fact him having no hands and feet anymore has been his salvation from his own violence. For both of them this had been the only way out of this situation in fact. Really, this is so fucked up I thought my brain would explode. I love it, okay?

She gets married eventually to a nice, normal guy, and he even learns about her secret but stays with her. Things don't seem to go well between her and the nice guy though since he can't understand her, and she can't tell him what she had to go through in her childhood 'cause she thinks he will find her dirty. Like holy shit, this is so, so well researched, this is authentic trauma and not something comical, flat stuff that only is there to push the story and make it more dramatic. Someone who doesn't have any sort of trauma themselves would not understand and just feel like throwing up probably. I've read comments like 'She just should have killed him' and so on, but really, if you're sick in the head a lot of stuff doesn't make sense to 'normal' people, and vice versa, too.

Anyway, when the good guy doesn't understand her she wishes for her kidnapper to be able to return mentally to her - and one day, when she calls his name, he does. I cried. I really cried. They rely onto each other and she slips away further and further from the good guy. Her 'dog' some day wants for her to step onto him and hurt him, and when she does she likes it too and says 'how cute', and I felt so fucking alive. She seemed bright for a while as well, and somehow I hoped this would turn into a more BDSM like story finally, 'cause that would have been good for them both, hah. Her being in control about every aspect of his life since he's fully dependend onto her physically and unable to harm her, and him happy that she needs him so much she won't ever leave him.

But things go into another direction apparently eventually, with her telling the good guy what had happened in her past and getting support from him and therapy, and for her wanting for her dog to get better, too, what he doesn't want to yet though.

The story is unfinished yet, and somehow I hope it stays this way. If the dog gets killed or thrown out with her not needing him anymore I'd get super upset really. Yeah, the fact that he had mutilated a lot of girls already doesn't quite fit to the second part of the story anymore, while fitting well to the first one, but as I said, there are some flaws to the story, what however didn't bother me too much.

Besides of that this manga is so fucking well drawn, and the dog boy is so hella cute I've got a crush on him, especially since even as his brain has recovered he still behaves like a dog. If Airi doesn't want him anymore he can come to me, I take care of him, I'll give him the sex he wants and gets denied and I'll add some more scars to his already heavily scared body, hah.

But c'mon, girl, the normal guy is as fucking boring and less intense as a piece of bread. Nothing deep about him. Nothing you could fall for. On top of that he has zero clue about how you feel. He'll always be an outsider. I can see that he really loves you and accepts you for who you are (more or less, at least he tries), but can you love him?

So you see, I'm the right kind of twisted for this story.