i’m so tired of growing up lonely!!!! you’ve constantly just been on the sidelines, trying to observe how other people live, how other people love and when someone deigns to talk to you you freeze up. you want to love and be loved so bad, but you’ve never done it before and you’re so scared of doing something wrong, of not being interesting, of being too ugly, of disappointing the other person and so you do what you’ve always done, which is retreat. you’ve been alone too long and you don’t know how to say yes, I’m interested, yes I want to see you, yes I want to feel you and know you and do nothing with you without coming off as desperate saying it directly. your mind goes crazy making calculations trying to figure out whether things would work with them, whether you can make it work with them, forgetting that you’re extrapolating data from a sample size of zero. at this point you don’t know if the butterflies in your stomach are caused by the person you’re talking to or the anticipation that yes yes yes this is finally going to happen, it’s finally going to happen to ME! your heart is beating so fast you think it’s going to burst and half of you wishes that they would just reject you so that your nerves could get some rest but the other half of you doesn’t know if you can handle another rejection, another person looking at you and thinking oh, nothing special here, I can do better than *that* and leaving you behind.