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Love.
According to the dictionary it means, “an intense feeling of deep affection,” which Jellal isn’t sure he entirely understands the meaning of.
He grew up in a house where ‘love’ was expressed through yells and broken glasses. He is even sure that he saw his mother throwing a plate at his father once. While they tried to tone down when it came to Jellal, he was no stranger of cold shoulders and ignorance coming from his parents. And growing up without any siblings or relative around, didn’t really help either. His parents finally got divorced at some point, and he spent a good majority of his life switching from his father or mother’s house, who still managed to find a way to fight about ridiculous things each time they crossed paths. So, yes, “an intense feeling of deep affection”, is certainly not how his first experience with love went.
Which probably explain why he finds himself in this precise situation. If he has anyone to blame, he will be pointing fingers at Ultear. She is the first friend he managed to make despite his cold demeanor. She saw past through him when they met in middle school, and given the situation he’s in right now, he is not so sure if letting her in finally was a great decision.
Because being friends with Ultear, caused him three grands things in his life, which he likes to call “The Three Scourges”.
One, it forced him to open up, and lose his credibility when it comes to the deal with “I don’t want friends”.
Which leads him to number two, where out of nowhere, he became part of a group of people.
Which leads him to number three, Erik.
Erik with his beautiful brown eyes and dark red hair. Erik with his smiles and ridiculous scars on his eye that Jellal can’t help but think of, in ways that would probably make the boy blush if he could hear thoughts. Erik with his outgoing personality and who is also very straight with a girlfriend.
And this fact is probably the most devastating one for Jellal who is very not straight and possibly in love with him, at least according to Ultear. He’s not really certain of where he stands on the matter. Because really, all he feels is his heart beating faster when Erik talks to him, and sometimes he doesn’t know how to function properly in his company, but if anything, this just means that he is sick and probably dying from a cancer.
So, yes, it’s definitely Ultear’s fault, if Erik has been looking at him for at least five minutes, with wide eyes and mouth half opens with shock, suddenly incapable of letting out a single word.
“I’ll...I’ll go,” Jellal blurts out, before standing up from his chair and walking away.
He doesn’t know why his eyes are hitching so much, or why his vision is blurred. He’s pretty sure that it feels hotter now since his hands are sweaty.
It’s ridiculous, really. Because what was he thinking when he told Erik “I love you”, out of nowhere? They were just discussing their new project for a class they shared and were assigned together. They were in the library of the campus, so really even the setting wasn’t that great for a confession.
“I’m so stupid…” He mumbles.
He’s not sure of where he is going, at this point he doesn’t really care either, all he wants is to get out of here. Maybe even drop his classes for the rest of day, or even for the rest of the year. He doesn’t even like what he’s doing, so really it could be a great opportunity to just quit everything. He has some money on the side, and he’s pretty sure it’ll be enough for him to go a few months somewhere, far, far away. It might be a little be drastic but he’ll choose that over the fact of ever seeing Erik’s face ever again.
At least that’s the plan until, he feels fingers curling around his writ, urging him to stop. And it’s not long before his eyes caught Eric’s body moving, so they are now facing each other. He looks out of breath, a faint blush on his cheeks, and there’s a certain desperation in his eyes.
“Jellal,” he says, panting.
Erik takes a moment to catch his breath, not letting go of Jellal. He doesn’t dare to move as few seconds pass, too afraid of what could happen.
“You ran,” Erik finally lets out.
Jellal bites his bottom lip as he lets his gaze meet the ground.
“You said that to me and then ran away,” he adds.
“You didn’t give me an answer. I was not going to stay there and embarrass myself further,” Jellal whispers, and really he didn’t think he had it in him.
“You…You caught me off guard okay? I really didn’t expect something like that… ever. And I was just starting to be okay and moving on from you and then you just said...that.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you—wait, what did you just said? What do you mean?”
Confusion taking over him, Jellal lifts his eyes to Erik, who is looking slightly embarrassed now, as the words finally caught up to him. He is not sure if he really understood what Erik just said, and he’s feeling weird enough about all this situation to let his hopes high.
“Look, um...I know you’re not really into that “love” thing. You made it all clear, countless of time through the years. And while it hurt at first, I made my peace with it. Or at least tried. And then, you say something like that and – fuck- what does it mean?”
Jellal stares at him, without saying a word, because really, this doesn’t make any sense. He wonders for a moment if he finally died from that cancer, he’s so sure he has and if he managed to reach heaven, or hell for that matter. Because really, this is torture. He can feel his hopes dancing inside his head and it sucks.
“Did you mean it?” Erik asks, a certain despair in his voice. “When you said you loved me, did you mean it?”
Erik looks ready to break at any moment, and there’s something in that, that makes Jellal wary, because that’s a side of the young man he has never met before.
“Yes, I meant it...whatever it means,” Jellal decides to tell him the truth.
And he can see it was the right thing to do, when relief takes over him. But it doesn’t make any sense because—
“Why are you asking? Why are you saying all of this when you have a girlfriend, Erik?”
Why, indeed, when not two hours ago, Erik was bragging about how awesome Kinana is, about how gentle she is.
“What? What girlfriend?” Erik questions, confused.
“Come on Erik, I know that Kinana and you have a thing going on and—”
“Wait! What?”
“—it’s okay really, you don’t have to pretend for my sake or whatever—”
“Damn it, what are you talking about? I’m not—”
“—I’ll admit that it bugged me for a long time, but it’s okay now, I mean, she’s gorgeous and I guess you two do look cute together—”
This time his sentence is cut off with a pair of lips on his and Jellal doesn’t even try to stop it from happening. It’s at the same time everything he imagined it would feel like and not.
Erik’s lips are surprisingly soft and warm. It’s easy for Jellal to just melt against him. There’s no pressure to the kiss, it will not lead to something deeper, they are just lips against lips, but it’s enough for Jellal’s heart to quicken.
But as sudden the kiss was, it doesn’t last long either as Erik retreats a little, so he can look at Jellal again.
“You really don’t know when to shut up sometimes, you’re unbelievable,” Erik whispers, a soft smile on his lips. “First of all, I don’t have a girlfriend, Kinana is my best friend, thank you very much. We grew up together so I see her like a little sister more than anything.”
“But-”
He is cut by a hand on his lips this time, and Jellal tries not to frown at the disrespect.
“Then, I’m very gay and she’s very gay so yeah...definitely not. Also…” There’s a little fond smile adorning his face now. “I love you too, idiot.”
It takes a few minutes for Jellal to process the words. And now he understands why Erik took so much time to say anything back to him when he let out the words earlier. It’s a strange feeling, to know that someone loves you.
But after a moment, Jellal brings his hand to the one against his lips to lower it, and he can’t help but smile in return.
“So,” Erik speaks once again. “You confessed even though you thought I had a girlfriend? What kind of sick game are you playing dude?”
At the sight of wriggling eyebrows and the now smirk on his face, Jellal lost his own smile as a groan escapes his lips.
“Oh my god, I’m going to regret this.”
Erik slides an arm around his waist to keep him against him as he laughs.
And despite his words, Jellal knows, he’s not going to regret anything at all.
*
Mod Océane
(beta by mod Sky)