#fymf

[lagoonieblue]

i feel like i have to be cautious what horror i reblog because i don’t wanna scare @somegirl8

[meganevaloud]

[lagoonieblue]

you either die a fandom blog or live long enough to see yourself become an aesthetic blog

[meganevaloud]

jova makes a good point: making space for your feelings is more important than making sense of them. and this is essentially the story of my last few years. i am definitely the person that got shot with an arrow and tried to cope with the pain and loss of mobility by seeking to understand the origin and the culprit. i think mostly. more than anything that happened involving anything else. the loss of my binder at the end of school, the loss of my hard drive with all of my writing on it, that was the worst. those events represent what was happening in my own head, this weird severance from my own wholeness. i still don’t understand why or how i could come to learn on my own everything i’ve spent the last ten years studying in six months at eighteen years old and then be so completely disconnected from everything that i know i already know, but i just can’t seem to reach or be completely and comfortably seated within. how is it that i can know it but not be it. this is the source of the madness i think. and this is the source of the refusal to move forward and the pining for the past before everything happened. before i grew into the world. where did i read the thing about how the river feels anxious at the confluence, because she feels like she will be lost and unrecognizable at sea. but what she will come to realize that is she is actually becoming the whole ocean. and this is the cycle of our life also. once you become the whole sea, you can breathe through the whole thing at once and you can go anywhere in it despite, or without fear. my little win today was filling out my tinder profile. i’ve been lurking on dating sites for a few months now and having the odd conversation here and there but mostly swiping left and nothing really feeling quite right. i never filled out my tinder profile because a) i truly didn’t know what to say and b) i was sure uncomfortable with the idea of anyone reading anything i wrote about myself regardless. but today i filled it out:

“in port alberni for school! perpetual work in progress and loving it obsessed with wooden boats learning how to hand poke tattoo kind, friendly, helpful if sometimes a bit mouthy. (big fan of conversation for both sport and pleasure.) but also i’m the person who rescues earthworms smart but i derp hard. skin colour varies a fair bit with the season (suns out buns out). also it’s time i admit i am a romantic fool. looking for complementary flaws and aligning vibes. full faith in the timing.”

and whether i meet someone or not, the point is. i put myself out there for real. counts.

freedive by rhads @ deviantart.com

[meganevaloud]

i nailed a metaphor the other day, regarding the importance of sometimes being a hot ass mess, over beers and burritos with new friends through school and i wanted to write it down: people expect people to be all polished and gleaming all the time, or somewhat put together at the very least, but growing is messy hard work — sometimes sweaty and back-breaking and you don’t get to fabulous, polished treasure full of meaning and fine craftsmanship without at some point encountering liquid gold.

photo by valentina-remenar @ deviantart.com

[swisherstreets]

Regrann from @unclelecto - #Repost @pharcydetv (@get_repost) ・・・ S/O to @flavourmag and the team.. #splendidradio #gr8l8show #truthseekers #yogabuzz #stimulateyoursoul #fymf #waterworld #vinylstories #r2radio #payology - #regrann (at Meen Green's Playhouse)

[meganevaloud]

when you want a little perspective on how many steps you’ve taken.  turn around and look for a minute.  november 2015: i respect tyler.  i respect my mother.  giles.  i have recently spent time adding to my reasons for respecting my father because i didn't for a while.  it's just that it finally occured to me that that could be partially my fault too.  he only knows what he's been taught, same as anyone.  the most important part of his actions is his intention.  he sort of needs translating some of the time.  and some of his actions go against everything that is familiar to him, especially lately.  and i have a lot of respect for that because the lines that define the boundaries of your comfort zone are absolutely terrifying to cross.  but he's doing it and i'm very proud of him.  proud to be his daughter because if my father can rewire himself, or at least set to work on the task, then i also can.   i use indifference as armour.  but i've gotten a lot better at picking my battles.  choosing what needs attention.  defining the size of the issue.   i sort of feel like i'm only honest with people i trust.  i want to pride myself in always being upfront and candid but if i don't know you, i'm not honest or genuine with you.  i'm not sure which way i want to go with this just yet though. you know, i'm kind of ragey.  and some tiny ugly part of me wishes that i ruled the world so i could dole out punishment but that's not the part of me to which i want to give any attention.  that part of me is terrifying.  there's a tiny line that i have sworn to never cross again.  because it's really really hard to come back to the rational side.  tyler says everyone has that; it sounds to me like the story of the two wolves.  everyone has two wolves inside them - one is righteous and honest and honourable, the other is wicked and vindictive and spiteful.  the wolf that lives is the one you feed.  and i am making the decision to be kissed over bitten.   i have a hard time thinking positive first.  since i've progressively shut myself down over the last while, my knee-jerk thought goes straight to criticism when i meet someone or encounter something new.  i recently heard a phrase, "your first thought is what you've been conditioned to think.  your second thought is the one who defines who you are."  i've been telling myself this when i have a nasty thought come into my head because i really want it to be true.  lord do i want it to be true.   i don't know, i feel like i spend a lot of time trying to tell who is being genuine and who is putting on a show but it's so disconcerting when i see people who are genuinely enjoying themselves or having a good time and putting themselves out there.  i can't help but think "how are you not terrified?" and maybe they are.  so maybe i shouldn't be.  i just get so hopelessly awkward around people i don't know.   its difficult to show people who you are when you aren't sure.  and i used to be so calm and trusting about this process.  it didn't used to cause me shame.  there was never anything wrong with this before, what changed it?  when did this self-searching become so unacceptable?  and goddamnit, WHAT DO I LIKE?  what makes me burn?  it's been so long since i felt capable and adept and proud of how i spent my time.  i don't like telling people how my days go or how i spend my time at all, partially because other people do things and i don't.  part of me is waiting to be sure that people want me around.  literally just waiting for an invitation.  it's been too long since i've enjoyed what i do.  i mean, there've been moments.  tiny, short moments where i was glad.  but not to a sustainable level.   i think i need something that's just for me.  a class or a project or some similar outlet.  i'd love to learn how to ride a horse or a motorcycle.  to get better at driving a standard car.  to feel the thrill of mastering a skill again.   i think i need to go for a drive.  right now. epilogue: the drive was exactly what i needed.

[lagoonieblue]

follow clurke!!!!111!!!

hey guys you all should go follow my irl bestie lyla (aka fymf if you’ve seen my tag) she has a great url (courtesy of me) her blog is super super awesome and shes gr8

ALSO her blog is pretty multifandom theres some the 100, some shameless, some marvel, some bobs burgers and a bunch of other things that are SUPER awesome