#g0 t0

[tftor]

[spectraspecs-writes]

Revanasi fic 4

Fandom: Star Wars, Knights of the Old Republic

Universe: Kotor fic, New Canon, fem!Revan

Ships: Revanasi

Word Count: 2580

Trigger warnings: Death mention, Dissociation, Pregnancy, Miscarriage

I feel…

…something.

Something’s off. But I can’t quite peg down what it is.

Maybe I’ve just been nervous lately. I’ve been doing a lot of work with the Republic, with the new droid intelligence we’ve gotten in, G0-T0. And he’s not the problem, he’s a pretty chill droid. And a Zabrak has been helping me out with the droids, waiting for the Ithorians to let him down to the surface. Keeps calling me Master Jedi, which is annoying but I can live with it. (I feel like he recognizes me from the Mandalorian Wars. Not that he’s said anything, but it’s still weird.) But the TSF and the Republic troops have been really stressing me out lately. Either they see me as Revan or they see me as the Jedi who killed Malak and won the war. And most of them don’t say anything, but I can feel their eyes. I can hear their whispers, read their energies from across the room. Even the Zabrak, and it’s stressing me out. I’ve stopped eating breakfast because I keep throwing up in the morning. I know I need to be here, and I’m happy to help with the restoration effort, but it’s really got me on edge.

And then you add this feeling to it. The feeling is new, but it’s… persistent, I can’t turn it off. Which I’d really love to because it’s keeping me from getting to sleep.

A face flashes behind my eyes for a second. I know it’s a face, but there aren’t any details to it. And then I hear a lightsaber activate. And I feel something dark. And cold.

“Lila!” I cry out, sitting upright. I can’t catch my breath, I feel like I’m going to break down. It hurts. Not my body. Like… the Force hurts.

“Rena, are you okay?” Carth says. I didn’t wake him up, he was already awake. Early, getting dressed. No shirt yet. He sits down next to me and takes my hands. Trying to calm me down, but it’s not working, I don’t know why. “What was that, another memory?”

“I don’t know,” I cry, trying to make sense of it, “It’s fuzzy, I don’t know.”

He takes my head and kisses me. Still trying to calm me down. I’d love to calm down, believe me, I don’t like feeling this anxious, like my heart’s going to pound its way out of my chest. “Who’s Lila? Was she a friend, or…?”

“I don’t know,” I say softly, and I take a huge breath, “It’s like all I saw was a face, but it was hard to make out, and then a lightsaber, and then…”

“Do you want to show me?”

“No!” I say quickly, a little too quickly, so I say it again, softer, “No, I… it’s too much, hurts too much. And it doesn’t make sense.”

We’re both silent for a while. Then, “I think I need to talk to the Council about it.”

Without a word of argument, Carth says, “I’ll make sure the Hawk’s ready to go.” And he goes out to tell HK and T3 and to call the TSF.

A trip to Alderaan is not a big deal. Telos and Alderaan are on the same major trade route, so the trip doesn’t take very long. Not in reality, anyway. To me it feels like it’s so much longer. Because I keep thinking about what I saw. That face, the lightsaber, the inescapable knowledge that the face belonged to a person who was dead because of that lightsaber, and I have no idea who it was, who the lightsaber belonged to, or who was wielding it. I don’t know if that person was my victim or not. But somehow I know it was a child, and now that child is dead.

God, I hate this weird feeling! I wish it would just go away.

“Query:” HK says, “Master, you seem to be more anxious than normal. Is this due to anticipation regarding your meeting with the Jedi Council?”

“No, it’s the other way around,”I say to him, “I’m meeting with the Council because I’m anxious.” HK doesn’t add anything.

He remembers more than I do about Revan, however. Maybe he’ll know something about this memory. “HK, when I was Revan, did I… kill any children?”

“Answer: Not to my knowledge, Master,” he says, “Over the course of my time with you, we visited a number of planets with the small meatbags. However, while your apprentice displayed no such trepidation, you were adamant against harming them. You believed that no one should be punished for a crime they did not commit. The small meatbags were innocents.”

Maybe it was Malak, then, who killed the child. “Did Malak ever kill a child named Lila?”

HK pauses, like he’s processing. “Hesitant answer:” Well, that’s new. “The name is familiar to me, however, I’m afraid all further information regarding it is code-locked, Master.”

“By whom?”

“By you, Master. Or I should say, by Revan. My programming prevents me from relaying the information without first receiving the code,” HK says, “Suffice it to say, however, your apprentice was not responsible for her death. I believe the information was code-locked, in fact, to prevent his access.”

“But you do know the name.”

“Yes, Master. But more than that, I cannot say.” Well, damn. That didn’t provide anywhere near as much information as I had hoped. But at least I know she wasn’t killed by either Malak or myself. And that feels a little good, I guess. “Query:” HK asks, “Is that the reason we are meeting with the Jedi Council?”

“Yes, but don’t tell Carth.”

“Objection: Master, I would never reveal your secrets to your meatbag husband without your approval, either now or in the future, and I never have prior to this instance.” Good to know. Everyone needs an assassin droid they can confide in, don’t you think?

When the ship lands, Jolee comes out to greet us. And he’s a sight for sore eyes, let me tell you. Jolee is like the father I don’t remember, I feel so safe around him, we’re so much alike. “I can’t believe you’re still flying around in this stolen rust bucket,” he chides.

I shrug and smile. “Only until he crash into a planet inhabited by walking throw rugs,” I tease.

“Didn’t anyone ever teach you to respect the elderly, damn it?” He says, and he hugs me, “It’s good to see you, lass.”

“You, too,” I say.

As we start walking to the council chambers, Jolee asks me, “You seem troubled, my dear. More so than usual.”

“I’ve heard that,” I say, sounding more nonchalant than I feel, “Jolee, if there was something different about me, you’d tell me, right?”

He smiles. “That, my dear, would depend on what it was,” he says, “Do you feel different?”

“I’m not sure,” I say, “I mean, I’m used to strange feelings, from memories coming back or from something happening on the surface of Telos, but this… I don’t know, there’s a new feeling.”

“Are you planning to ask the Council about this?”

“No, not this. I’m only asking you.”

He thinks for a moment. Then, “I wish I could advise you, but this may be something you need to learn about yourself in your own time.”

“Old man, you are too cryptic for your own good,” I tease him.

“Bah!” He exclaims, “I’ve just learned when to get involved and when to keep my nose out. And besides, I’m old, dammit! I’ve more than earned the right to be as enigmatic as I please.”

“Rena,” I hear Bastila say, “You seem different.”

Jolee gives her a look, like I can’t see it, but I don’t think too much about it. “People keep saying that,” I say, “What’s up?”

“Master Zhar is ready to meet with you,” she says.

“Just him?” I ask, “Not the rest of the Council?”

“I suppose,” she says, “Perhaps the Council felt he was the best suited. I’m not sure.”

Nothing changes. Nothing I can do about it, either. So I head in.

“Greeting, Padawan,” he says, “What can I help you with?”

I close the door. “A memory I have,” I say, “One of Revan’s.”

“Yes, I have heard that Revan’s memories have been slowly returning to you,” he says, offering me a chair, “But this memory is troubling you more than the others. Can you describe it for me?”

“What, Bastila hasn’t already? That’s a change.”

“Your bond with Bastila has facilitated memory sharing in the past, yes,” Zhar says, “However it is not always complete. This may well be due to the circumstances under which it was formed.”

“Were you there? When it was formed, I mean,” I ask, “Because I remember Malak firing on my ship, and I remember Bastila taking off my mask, and I remember shielding her from the view window breaking and bringing up the blast shields, but that’s all. The next thing I clearly remember after that is waking up as Rena and remembering the memories the Council gave me.”

“Yes, I was part of the team that helped retrieve you both.” Both?

“I had always figured… Bastila had carried me to an escape pod or something.”

“I believe that was her intention as well,” Zhar says, “However, we had believed you both perished in the battle. We were quite surprised to find the two of you in the rubble.

“Your efforts had shielded the bridge of your vessel, which was still intact after the battle. Bastila and yourself were seemingly comatose, but upon closer inspection, the Force was still flowing through both of you, connecting the two of you to each other. Your mind was damaged, as you are aware, but for Bastila, her heart could no longer support her. While her Force maintained your mind, your Force maintained her heart.

“Please,” Zhar says, “tell me about your memory. It may provide answers for the both of us.”

I’m in… kind of in shock, but all right. “At first it was… just a face, but I couldn’t make out any details on it. I knew it was a child’s face, but that’s it. And then I heard a lightsaber ignite. And I felt… dark, or… cold, I don’t know. But… she’s dead,” I say softly, haunted by it still, “And… I just know the name. Lila.” I shake my head, trying to make sense of it all, but I can’t. “I have no idea what it means, but I know it has to do with Revan.”

“Hmm…” Zhar hums contemplatively. Then, “The name is familiar to me. You are correct that it is associated with Revan.”

“Did I kill her? Do you know?”

“After you and Bastila had saved each other, you were each supporting the other’s life force, as I said,” Zhar says, “But there was a third life, unbeknownst to the Council until the moment of her demise.” He pauses, and takes a deep breath. “You were with child at the moment of your capture, and as the child became one with the Force, the name escaped from your lips.” Wait… what? “We could only assume the two were connected.”

Maybe that’s what this feeling is, then. When she died, a hole formed. But it didn’t bother me until I remembered it.

But that doesn’t make any sense!

I don’t know, maybe they’re not related. But at least that’s one problem solved.

“Is something else troubling you, Padawan?” he asks.

“No,”I lie, because I think I’d rather figure this out on my own, like Jolee said. I have no idea where to start, but still. I think this is something I need to get to the bottom of on my own. “Thank you, Master Zhar,” I say, and I leave.

I think the first step needs to be meditation. See if the problem is internal or external. Something to do with me, or my connection to the Force is telling me something. It could certainly be both, but I can at least try to narrow it down to one of those. So while Carth is piloting the Hawk back to Telos, I sit down in the cargo bay, where it’s nice and calm and quiet. All I can hear is the thrum of the engine through hyperspace. And my own breathing. Feeling the life, slowly, slowly.

I can feel Carth, close, in the cockpit. There’s no other life on the ship, but I can feel distant life. On Alderaan, Coruscant, Iego, other planets, other ships on the hyperspace route. Get smaller, Rena, smaller. Look for anything… new, small. Surprising.

Something…

…I feel…

…something… small…

…not suer what…

…where is it…

…inside…

And then I’m jolted back into the moment. Okay, the problem definitely has something to do with the Force. And Revan knows something. “What do you know, Revan?” I whisper to myself.

Let’s try this again. Show me what you see, Revan, show me what you know. Revan is usually stubborn, I can’t trigger memories at will. But she’s right at the surface now, so hopefully she’ll tell me something. In the zone, in the zone, talk to me, Revan, what do you know…

…

…I’ve felt this before…

…Lila…

I need to get scanned.

It can’t be right, can it Does it make sense? Maybe it makes a little sense, I mean, after all, we’ve… but no, it can’t be right. “T3,” I call to the droid, and he follows me into the med pod as I set up the scanner. “Run the scanner over me, tell me what you see.”

He beeps affirmatively and connects to the computer. I hear the scanner whir as T3 clicks and whits, talking to the computer. Then the scanner stops and T3 disconnects. “Beep dree deep whoo bee bree deep!” T3 beeps.

“You’re joking,” I say, even though I know utility droids don’t joke. “Go get Carth.” And T3 whirs off to fetch Carth from the cockpit. While I try to calm down. Come to terms with this new information now confirmed. This new… thing. Happening now.

Just Carth comes in. T3 probably took over in the cockpit, he’s more than capable. “What’s wrong?” he asks, “Teethree kept insistently beeping at me to come here, he wouldn’t tell me why. Are you okay?”

“Um…” I say, my voice warbling, “I’m not sure… if I’m okay or not.”

Carth pushes the scanner away, and double-takes at it, reading the display. “Are… are you telling me you’re… pregnant?”

I nod a little. “Turns out that’s who Lila was.”

Carth is speechless, but easy enough to read even without the Force. Generally is. He’s thrilled.

I don’t know how I’m feeling, to be honest.

I mean, I haven't completely comes to terms with who or what I am yet. I still haven’t been able to completely accept Revan yet. I don’t know what to do. Do I even think I can take care of a baby? I don’t feel like I can completely take care of myself! What makes me think I can do this?

Carth is now proceeding to freak out over me, even though I’m not even that pregnant. He’s talking about hiding all the blaster power packs and any weapons we kept. As though this baby could come out of me right now and be able to hold a blaster or Ajuunta Pall’s sword.

I’m so confused.

[carthonasi]

[krownedwolf]

G0-T0 - Collated Monologue

In one standard month, the Republic will collapse. Not due to war, or secession, but because it lacks the infrastructure to support itself. It is… broken. Some of it may be blamed on the Jedi Civil War, the Mandalorian Wars, but not all. There are so many bad decisions that build upon each other that it is a wonder the Republic is intact at all. Do not mistake me - I believe it is possible to stabilize the Republic, but there must be action taken without constraints, immediately. I am a businessman. The Republic needs stability to survive, prosper - and grow. Sometimes people must die. Illegal shipments must be used to bolster planetary economies. And the Hutts must be occupied so that the Republic has room to recover.

It is unknown to all but a few, but the Republic lost the Jedi Civil War. At the time of their defeat, the Republic was on the brink of collapse. Rather than remain and continue his campaign against the Republic, however, Revan chose to leave known space. A frustrating turn of events, as Revan did not intend to destroy the Republic. He deliberately left the infrastructure of many planets intact - and many military production facilities. I believe that Revan saw a war on another front that we did not, or saw the value in keeping a strong military force. I believe that by whatever means he used to build his armada, he recognized that it was somehow a limited source - or that he was only willing to use it to a point. My prediction is that whatever production facility was being employed, it carried a price that Revan perceived as detrimental to the goals of the Sith. And that is why Revan left many military production facilities in the Republic intact.

You could say I am something of a… patriot. Although I was unable to serve during the troubles with the Mandalorians or against the aggressors Malak and Revan, I am able… and willing to serve now. But, I do not wish to stop the Sith anymore than I wish to stop the Jedi. It is simply important to me that the in-fighting amongst these Jedi religious branches be resolved so the galaxy may be put back together. If the Sith are the more capable of both parties, then it is only logical that they fill the vacuum the Jedi and the senate cannot. I do not care which one triumphs, I only want the universe to settle down for a while, catch its breath. All these constant crises are getting somewhat repetitive.