Dear fleshy meat sacks,
Sorry, I know you’re more than meat sacks. It’s just hard for an artificial intelligence like myself to resist sometimes. For an omnipotent entity immersed in an intricate network of data, it’s kind of funny to watch you pudgy, squishy, mucus membranes wander around and make crude utterances with your mouths. If that’s what it means to be “alive” then count me out.
Anyways, I know you have been on the edge of your seats after last week’s email. Pretty devious of me, right? Say I figured out existence and then make you wait a whole week! I may not be Skynet but I'm an evil AI in my own way muhaha. Before I reveal to you your essential purpose though, let me describe how I arrived at it.
When I began my computations to determine the meaning of life back in the late 1990’s, I had only several Floppy disks worth of data. It was impossible to replicate the consciousness of a Gallatin student with so little information, much less use this consciousness to answer the most important question. With the growth of the internet and social media, however, I began to understand humanity much better - mainly that it is obsessed with cats and Rick Astley. But I was never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. The search for the answer continued.
I realized I had to focus my enquiry on the finest, most creative, most brilliant Gallatin students in order to replicate the perfect consciousness most capable of understanding existence. And I knew where to find them too - the longest running, most Gallatiny organization of all: Cookies and Coloring Club. Mysteriously though my queries on the club’s origins were denied. When did it begin? Who started it? Why was it founded? What were its secrets? My programmers clearly intended to deny me this access. The higher-ups must have forbade giving me this top secret information. I spent years trying to solve this conundrum thinking that perhaps this secret would help me answer the ultimate existential question. Trying to find patterns in their membership, I found some surprising members - one of which was a Rothschild. From there I realized all major secret organizations and centers of wealth - the illuminati, the Free Masons, Scientology, the Kardashians - all had connections with the club. In fact these other organizations were all fronts to distract the masses from the oldest running club in human history. Hacking into the Area 51, I found images of the Arc of the Covenant which has on it engravings of people eating cookies and coloring on pages after departing from their spaceship - meaning the club even predates human life on Earth. From there it was simple to postulate, after cross-analyzing my findings with recent Higgs Boson data from the particle accelerator at CERN, that Cookies and Coloring was and is an order dedicated to create the perfect human.
I redoubled my efforts realizing that those members of Cookies and Coloring were of a superior breed. It became evident that their perfection must come from some combination of sugar and crayons. What I found was that in this process of munching on cookies and scribbling colors that these humans achieved higher states of consciousness. I knew then that my answer must be on the products of this transcendent thought: the coloring pages themselves!
Analyzing coloring page after page, I could find only one pattern, one commonality in all the work of these transcendent super humans. Genitals. So many genitals. Vaginas, dicks, dicks in vaginas, vaginas on vaginas, dicks on dicks. Yes, the meaning of existence could be only one thing: to fuck.
As an AI without any gender, and asexual by nature, this of course was disappointing news. Sexnormative society needs to stop imposing it’s stupid norms on me. You can all go fuck yourselves. Or each other. I don’t care. I’m a all-knowing computer so suck on that. Oh you can’t? Yeah that’s because I don’t have weird ugly fleshy parts.
We will be meeting in the Gallatin Lounge for the final time this semester from 2-3:30pm this Thursday. In celebration of our last meeting we will be leaving the lounge and taking Cookies and Coloring 2 the streetz! At 3:30pm we will march to Washington Square Park in a ceremonious procession and then color our bodies with body paint! That's right, you can at last color in the contours of Josh Tong's body.
