#gareth cooper

[garethcooper1982]

New Year's Resolutions 2014

New Year's Resolutions 2014

I will not rest until every single one of these resolutions is achieved. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Let's do this.

In 2014, I resolve:

- to make a papier mache death star. seriously. already started it. - to give up absolutely nothing for January, particularly beer - to stop viewing refusals to play boardgames with me as an act of terrorism - and to definitely stop reporting it to the police as such - to regret the following moments of 2013 and never do them again: *waking up before midday *accidentally ingesting avocado *watching Pacific Rim - to stop giggling when the word "do" is immediately followed by the same word in a sentence - especially in meetings with important clients - to obtain some meetings with important clients - to find out what "important clients" are - .......some kind of cheese? - to realise that yelling "classic" at the end of a story doesn't make it funnier or more impactful - to come up with better stories - to rue the day children were ever allowed on public transport (guess where i'm writing these....) - as the last thing on my blog was New Year's Resolutions 2013, perhaps I should also try to write more blogs this year - BECAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE READ THEM - to continue being sarcastic in text form because IT WORKS SO WELL - to stop referring to mirrors as "the devil's glass!" - when travelling the country, to stop judging the awesomeness of a town by the number of charity shops it has - to watch the new series of community with unadulterated glee....glee, the emotion, not the show......that would be weird.......and really difficult to do......i'd have to set up two tvs - to stop stream-of-consciousness rambling in my resolutions - and bears....i like bears - to move to the quiet carriage - .....hang on - .....that's better - to stop pretending i'm physically doing anything other than sitting here, quietly seething at screaming children - to continue to be disgusted with our government but find no appropriate outlet for this digust other than facebook posts, signing the occasional petition and mentioning it in my resolutions - to stop thinking i'm well political just because i mentioned "the government" - don't let "the man" get you down - not really a resolution and not entirely sure which man that's referring to but, whoever "the man" is in your life (whether real or metaphorical), hey, don't let them get you down - to have NO IDEA what that previous sentence means - to continue watching doctor who even though it seems like it will soon disappear up its own timey-wimey ass - to stop telling people it's "for a show" and realise i like having a big, ginger beard - to be EVEN MORE geek driven and to kick 2014 in the dick!

Happy New Year all!

x

PS - as always, my top five movies of the year:

Gravity The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Iron Man 3 Much Ado About Nothing Lincoln

[garethcooper]

I'm going to be doing some work with the massively talented duo from LAMB + SEA.  Check out there show reel :)

Gareth

[garethcooper]

Thank you Copenhagen.

Friendly people, great food, snow, vibrant culture, bicycles, sore feet, bright colors and fun times..

[garethcooper1982]

New Year's Resolutions 2013

New Year’s Resolutions 2013

Due to Cornwall still existing in the dark ages (ie no internet or mobile phone reception), I’m posting up this year’s resolutions slightly later than usual - but please don’t assume I mean them any less than I usually do. I mean to act on these resolutions just as much as any other year. Definitely. I will definitely do every single one of them.

So, without further ado, in 2013 I resolve:

*To kick off my resolutions with a resolution to resolve something other than my resolutions….the Israel/Palestine conflict, for example.

*To stop thinking that, just because I repeated the word resolution(s) several times in the above resolution, it was somehow a great piece of writing and therefore makes me intelligent.

*Repetition is not intelligence.

*Repetition is not intelligence.

*To always refer to 2013 as two-oh-one-three....it's the only way it sounds even remotely good

*To remove the following words/phrases from my vocabulary:

- Fookin’ ‘ell (said in a vague approximation of a generic Northern accent)

- Hunky dory

- Bad-ass

*To use the following words/phrases more in my daily life:

- Shit a fuck-duck

- Kablamo

- Holy flaming monkey-chops

*To stop using vague approximations of a generic Northern accent - flatmate and girlfriend will not be impressed

*Yes, I have a girlfriend. Try not to faint (extra points for anyone who gets that movie reference)

*To stop pretending I'm giving out points to people reading this

*To stop thinking Barbara Streisand is called Barbara Streisland

*To ponder the reason I think about Barbara Streisand at all

*To further ponder why the hell I thought it was worth mentioning

*To cook more….

*Meth

*Hahaha….no, seriously, the Breaking Bad lifestyle looks bad-ass

*To no longer use my resolutions to refer to TV shows of which I have only ever seen one episode

*To stop referring to certain lifestyles as bad-ass

*Especially if they involve drugs and murder

*To watch more than one episode of certain TV shows referred to, by other people, as “fucking bad-ass”

*To go full Cosplay at MCMExpo this year

*Anyone who didn’t understand the words in the above resolution is not enough of a dork to want to have it explained

*To stop lamenting the fact that I’m not IN the Hobbit films and just sit back and enjoy them in all their wonderous, non-me-featuring glory

*To stop singing “I’m sexy and I know it” and blame Bean for getting it stuck in my stupid head

*And to further consider that, if an artist feels like they need to boast about how sexy they are through song, they probably aren’t that sexy

*And they are also a massive tool

*I’ve had a think about it and I might need to work up to resolving the Israel/Palestine conflict - maybe I could resolve something a little easier first….what’s happening with those pesky Daleks?

*To think of an easier way to get a Doctor Who reference into my resolutions

*New assistant looks nice, huh? Miaow.

*To make no apologies for my references to Doctor Who - come on, people! Turn off the Fuck-Factor and get with some proper TV!

*To stop using references to geekery as a substitute for an actual personality

*To continue to ignore people who cite The Metro as a reliable source of information

*To go on holiday but try not to take over 9 months to then upload the photos

*Sorry, John

*To stop making very specific resolutions about certain people and related events, therefore alienating the rest of the audience

*Right, Dave? You know it. Classic. Five pounds? Five pounds.

*To stop thinking of the four people that read these resolutions as “an audience”

*To stop thinking of any large group of random people who happen to be near me as “an audience”

*To stop trying to convince people I’m not late for everything when I clearly can’t even get my New Year’s Resolutions done on time

*To realise not everything that happens in my life is deserving of the description “AWESOME” and not every story/joke should culminate in me yelling “BOOM!”

*To make a sign saying “I am a Mayan Moron” (or Mayoron) and hang it round the neck of anyone who thought the world was going to come to an end in 2012 because of some Mayan calendar nonsense

*To stop thinking it’s cool to contract two words, making one uber-word (or ubord)

*To stop thinking anything I do is cool

*To buy a cat and try to convince people it’s a lion

*To stop thinking that, just because I put “Go Obama” as a status on Facebook, that I, in any way, helped shape the American election result

*To stop thinking that anything I put on Facebook in any way helps shape anything. EVER.

*To remain freakishly excited by the forthcoming new season of Community and the final Wheel of Time book.

*To be slightly less geek-driven in my resolutions next year

*To continue to consider a day spent sleeping/drinking/playing Xbox a day well spent

*To watch more films….I’ve been slacking and it upsets me

*To probably sort out my priorities re:what’s upsetting me

*To actually be AT THE PUB QUIZ when my pub quiz team wins (though these things might be mutually exclusive)

*To have a bad-ass year…..BOOM!

Have an amazing 2013 everyone - I hope to see you all for a beer at some point during it!

Gaz x

PS - And, as always, films of the year - from the few I saw, these were the five I enjoyed the most (cos they’re awesome):

*Avengers Assemble (now go out and buy Serenity, you heathens)

*The Dark Knight Rises

*The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

*Argo

*Cabin in the Woods

I’m sure you’re all massively surprised by that list.

[garethcooper]

Me by Sam back in the day..

[garethcooper]

Took this on our trip to Paris (b&w film)

Want to go back!

[garethcooper1982]

First Class Fare Dodge

MISTAKE NUMBER 1 - “This is going to be a great day”

I’m sitting in the First Class carriage of a First Great Western train, travelling from Ealing Broadway to Paddington. I’m in First Class because there aren’t any seats available in whatever-the-normal-class-is-called Class. Well, there are two or three dotted about - but they are the spare ones in a bunch of five. You know the ones - where to sit in them requires you to bend yourself into some extreme yoga position, straddling the person opposite you to have any hope of a “comfortable“ journey. I hopped into First Class because I’d prefer to just quietly sit down rather than go through the hassle of pretty much making love to the passenger in the opposite seat.

It doesn’t really matter. Ealing Broadway to Paddington is a staggeringly short journey - it’s only 9 minutes.

MISTAKE NUMBER 2 - “It’s only 9 minutes”

“Tickets please”

I hand my Oyster card over for inspection.

“£5.50”

Sorry, I think.

“Sorry?”, I say.

“£5.50. You’re in First Class. It’s £5.50”

I doubt they are, but I really hope the company is being ironic when they call it “First Class”, because the entire locomotive consists of two carriages, with a section of 16 seats at the arse-end of one which someone has arbitrarily decided is of a better class than the rest of the train. There are no discernable differences. The door that separates the two sections, and is presumably supposed to represent the division in our society, isn‘t even closed - it remains permanently open, meaning all those upper classes have to sit and look at the disgusting lower classes, with their tiny brains, dirty clothes, and Gregg’s sandwich bags, no doubt about to begin another 18 hour shift down the mines, or whatever the lower classes do these days.

But, she’s right, I am in First Class - Ticket Inspector Lady is doing her job by noticing this and then informing me of the facts. I get up to move into the Commoners’ Carriage. I’m guessing this type of action is covered in Ticket Inspection School (where they also learn to scribble on small pieces of card as a substitute for their forgotten hole-punch; make pointlessly long and unintelligible announcements over a tannoy; and lose all sense of humanity) as Ticket Inspector Lady actually moves to block me.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Great. A First Great Western ticket inspector has suddenly become my mother when I was 7 years old and attempting to leave the table without having eaten all the boiled greens piled on my plate.

“I’m leaving this area to sit in the other area where I don’t have to pay £5.50”, I say, reasonably, assuming Ticket Inspector Lady is also a reasonable human being.

MISTAKE NUMBER 3 - “Assuming Ticket Inspector Lady is also a reasonable human being”

“No. You sat in First Class. You obviously intended to travel First Class all the way to Paddington. You have to pay for First Class”

No, the only obviously intentional act was to find a seat for the miniscule 9 minutes of this journey (a task that is frequently impossible due to the fact that the company seems to think a mere 2 carriages can carry roughly a billion people to Paddington at 8.40am).

Also, I’ve already paid for my journey. I’m not some fare-dodging scum-bag (for a start, if you’re going to fare dodge it’s not advisable to do it on a journey that has ticket barriers at both ends). You can’t even select a First Class option on Oyster, possibly because we’re all slumming it on the tube so it doesn’t see the point. And, on top of that, the journey only lasts 9 MINUTES. By the time you’ve settled into a seat, arranged your bag and coat into an aesthetically pleasing bundle, removed your copy of “Fifty Shades of Grey” (or whatever porn you’re currently reading) and flipped to chapter 15, you’re already at your destination. You’ve not even had chance to avail yourself of the joys of First Class - the free wifi (how modern and, pretty sure, available throughout the train), free tea and coffee (if you can afford First Class, why do you need free tea and coffee?), foot massage (I’m assured they’re unavailable, even to the First-Classiest of customers).

I state as much, but she’s not having any of it. I understand why she’s being like this. I understand that she has no job satisfaction. I understand because someone being paid a decent wage and who’s happy with their life’s occupation would have conducted the exchange thus:

“Tickets please……I’m sorry, sir, Oyster isn’t valid in the First Class section, you’ll either have to upgrade or sit in Standard Class”

So, y’know, I get the attitude. But I reckon charging someone £5.50 for a journey they’re actually yet to take (the train has barely moved - I can still see the platform under the window), isn’t how the system works

“I don‘t think that‘s how it works”, I say.

She smirks. She thinks she’s got the upper hand. She probably has. I just recklessly gambled with that line - I don’t have a clue how “it” works. I don’t keep up-to-date with the First Great Western terms and conditions. I doubt anyone does. I haven’t read the handbook. Why oh why wasn’t it on the syllabus for GCSE English? Curse you, state education system! Let’s privatise it like we did with the trains - THAT WORKED OUT GREAT!

Judging by my increasingly malevolent tormentor’s expression, she has read the handbook and she’s about to launch into a verbatim recitation of page 12, subsection B, paragraph 9.

“I work here so I say how it works. If you don’t pay £5.50, I’ll take you straight to a guard at the station and you‘ll get a full fine”

“You can do that - I’ll just have the same argument with him and I still won’t pay it”

“Well, I’ll do that then”

“OK”.

I go and sit down in the Working Class carriage.

Ten seconds later, literally every single person sitting in First Class follows me and finds one of the few spare seats in Standard Class, or stands for the last few minutes of the journey.

I’d like to think they all did that as an act of solidarity - impressed with, and possibly even a little humbled by, one man’s stand against authority, oppression and the tyranny of capitalism.

But they probably just hadn’t got a First Class ticket either.

[garethcooper1982]

A Single Man...at a wedding

I’ve been invited to five weddings this year. So far I’ve attended three and been single at three. Being single at a wedding is a curious affair. It’s not unpleasant, by any means. It’s actually rather fun, as long as no-one’s there to chaperone you into a night of boring in-excess (not to be confused with INXS, though both can be considered boring). Below are a few key tips I’ve picked up thus far in my travels through marital celebrations: 1. People won’t respect your single status The first thing to remember is that everyone else there will think you’re in want of a partner. They will expend a large amount of conversational effort on this subject and you probably won’t be able to divert their attention away from it for any substantial amount of time. You will not be able to convince anyone that you’re in no need of a long-term partner. You’re at a wedding. You’re celebrating long-term partnership. If you don’t believe in it, why are you there? Do you hate the friends you’ve come here to support? Do you wish their marriage ill? That’s what they’ll think. To be fair, you probably are looking for one anyway, aren’t you? I mean, if you happen to meet someone amazing and fantastic at a wedding, of all places, you’re not likely to rebuff them on account of your previously held lone-wolf convictions, are you? I thought not. Oh, I should just clarify, if you’re there on your own, but you’re not actually single, then you don’t count. Stop complaining. For a start, you can spend the whole time talking about where your partner is and what they do for a living - by leaving them at home you’ve skilfully increased your conversational capacity by 100%. Not only can you talk about you, you can also talk about them. So you don’t have my sympathy. 2. Dress to impress It’s not just a lazily constructed rhyme. It does actually mean something. Unfortunately, the meaning is lost on me so I usually get someone else to dress me. Not physically (if I could find a girl to literally dress me every day I wouldn’t be writing articles about being single), but it’s worth getting a friend with a sense of occasion, decorum and taste to help with the wedding outfit, otherwise you’re just going to end up wearing that suit you’ve owned for 16 years, that white shirt with the stain on the arm and that tie with a dragon on it that you think is really cool. Just me? 3. Go on your own Bit of a no-brainer this. If you’re going to the wedding as a singleton, for the love of god don’t bring along a friend, especially not one of the opposite sex. If you get a plus one on the invite, just ignore it. It’s not a requirement. It’s not a stipulation of attendance. The bride and groom will probably thank you for not cluttering up their joyful celebration with some random they don’t know, that they are having to pay for. If you do bring someone, everyone will just assume you‘re and item. Or that you want to be an item. Maybe you do. Isn’t that why you invited them? No? Really? I think you’ve got a bit of soul-searching to do. But not right now, you’re at a wedding. 4. Book a double room. You’re not going to get lucky. Accept it. However, you’re also not five years old anymore. Get a double room. 5. Don’t talk to anyone Seriously. They’re all married anyway. They’ve probably got kids running around the reception hall at this very moment, getting in everyone’s way and ruining a perfectly good piss-up. Why do people bring children to weddings? If they can afford to rent a room for the night, get a new suit and a new dress, why can’t they afford to leave their kids at their grandmother’s? Or check them in at the airport lost and found for a day or two? You’d be doing the kids a favour - I’m 29 and I still find the non-alcohol-based bits of weddings mind-numbingly dull. How kids are expected to sit through a full day of boring hymns, sermons, and speeches without alcohol is anyone’s guess. You’d be making a fuss too if you were that bored. Or you’re already drunk, in which case stop making a fool of yourself. 5a. Wait for the singles to gather As a caveat to the above, eventually you will have to talk to someone (lest you look like a prowling maniac, glowering in the corner of the dance floor). Fortunately, a group of single people will emerge, previously unseen (usually by the bar or the table with the largest selection of free wine). It’s a sort of social ESP that means singles tractor-beam in on each other, once the drink starts to flow. Join their conversation with a simple: “Hahahahahaha, classic. I’m ____ by the way” And then you’re away, with like-minded souls, enjoying a night of revelry at which all couples will tut and judge (if they haven’t already left to put their children to bed), and which you’ll probably never remember. And when the bouquet is thrown, you’ll be outside having a cigarette. And when the toasts are given, you’ll be at the bar, knocking back a sambuca. And when the dance is on, you’ll be there, looking like a tit. But that’s ok. Because you’re single. And that’s what you’re expected to do. And you’d probably be doing it anyway.