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Gay culture is that moment when you suddenly realize just how dad you are.

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Gay Men Die

Another gay man has died much too early. This is the fourth under forty that I've known. This does not seem normal. Two of these were men I dated, and two of them were acquaintances and friends of friends. One died accidentally from auto-erotic asphyxiated -- he hung himself to death by accident while masturbating alone in a closet. Two of them died, presumably, of accidental overdoses. And yesterday, a wonderful man died of a heart attack, I assume, due to overweight. He apparently died on stage at the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus concert (which I was a part of last fall) during intermission. I can only imagine how shocking that must have been for everyone. I can imagine that there was a thud as he fell and then a strange stillness as most of the 300 men crammed behind the curtain had no idea what was happening. And then I can imagine the shouting for 911 and a nurse, my friend Remy who's a nurse pushing through the crowd to get to Ryan awkwardly supine across the risers. And then the minutes and minutes and minutes of waiting for the ambulance. Did Remy know he wasn't going to make it by the time the EMTs arrived? How long did it take them to get Ryan's large frame back to the ambulance? How long did the audience wait, and did they ever find out why they were waiting? And how did those men finish the show? Jesus, it's so sad. I am going to try to get a ticket for tonight. Nothing about this will be easy, but it will be so much harder for the chorus. Ryan was more than just one in 300 members. He was a big guy with a big personality and a big laugh, and he was always cracking jokes, loudly. He was very involved with the chorus and everyone knew him. I always felt he looked at me with a bit of suspicion and discomfort, probably because I expressed once to him that I did not join the chorus with the intention of making friends. So while we didn't necessarily see eye to eye, I also was conscious that he was part of the soul of the chorus, and his death is a tragedy.

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