me and her
this is the bad part about being really close to a girl...
i found out that i like her, and i was planning to call her because her birthday is coming up
but i don't, because it'll be weird
instead i text her "happy birthday" and suddenly the spark is back. i get so comfortable, because this girl is very familiar and i wind up saying "iiieeee you have a boyfriend now?"
she says "no" and i get that goofy smile on my face. the smile that i make when i see her being cute and confused at the same time. and i tell her "i can imagine what your face looks like right now." and she says " ^ ^ i don't have a have a boyfriend. and no, i'm not available. why such a question?"
and i try to react as cool and calm as possible, so i say " wasn't really asking if you were available. does that mean you're interested?" and she says "no, and before you jump to conclusions, i'm not lesbian"
after that everything is a blur. i absent-mindedly continue to text her and joke around. then the conversation naturally ends.
but this girl means a lot to me. this girl is the reason i didn't slash my pulse. this girl is the reason that i didn't give in to the urge to let go when i last had a stroke. this girl is the reason why i want to protect anyone from psychological problems.
when i came back to my senses, it was almost midnight.
i text her one last thing "hey, you're probably asleep right now but i just wanna say happy birthday again and thanks for existing. without you, i would have probably been dead for at least a year now. you have no idea what kind of an impact you had in my life. don't worry though, i won't ever think of taking my life again. anyways, happy birthday again and goodnight. =) "
this is what sucks about her knowing me, she knows when i joke around and when i drop hints. she knew that i was planning to ask her out to "get coffee" or "hangout."
and it just hurts to know that of all the people that shot me down, this hurts the worst, because this is the girl that i would gladly take a thousand bullets to the heart for. it hurts because out of all the girls i ever liked, she was the one i really loved. out of all of them, this was the girl that matched my craziness perfectly. no matter what anyone said, i would never see anything bad in what she does. she is perfect in my eyes.
this girl is perfect.
but she's meant for somebody else. it will kill me when that time comes, but i won't cry or cut or give in. i'll be very happy for her because i know, deep down, that she deserves nothing but the best for her. i also know that if she is truly happy with the guy then i will be truly happy with someone else.
knowing this, kills me.