don't worry, I'm not going back on what I said and returning to this blog. I've just not been able to escape the want to. apologize better. so, popping in really quick to do that:
I'm sorry to everyone affected by my actions. I reacted in the worse way possible and said some truly awful things, and looking back at them I'm literally amazed (not in a good way of course) that I ever thought it was something legitimate and valid to say about any of this. my breakdown was violent and wild and I took it out on people who had been nothing but nice to me when I needed them, and to be honest; I have literally not stopped thinking about what I did, and think about it every day. (not intending this in a guilt tripping fashion, but I have also come to recognize I have a serious issue with my tone heading that way without me meaning to, which I'm trying to work on as well; sorry in advance.)
(additional note: this happened in part because of a number of toxic traits of mine combining into an awful situation of breaking down and acting out in public and private alike, but especially my inability to actually let myself have a BREAK and step away from things that stress me. it's honestly amazing I didn't do something wild like this before with the amount of times I've just. not given myself anytime to relax. I would like to thank people who worried about me for this… I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.)
I'm sorry. no one is ever required to forgive me, ofc. I'm just really sorry I made people feel so unsafe and scared like that. this was a disgusting abuse of power and an immature expression of frustration, and I dug my grave. I recognize it was fucked up, and I'm really sorry to the people affected by what I said. thank you very much to the people who considered me a friend and gave me their time and support in the past. I'm sorry I didn't live up to promises.
got one more post, sequel to this, and then I'm going to once again change the password to something I don't know, And then probably delete the email this account is attached to so I can't reset it again.
