Green Eyed Han
Jumin x MC day 4: Jealousy/Insecurities!!!
Awwww bless this little poppet, he’s a jealous bastard isn’t he??
For the umpteenth time, he rolled over. It seemed no matter what he did, how he positioned his limbs or counted imaginary farmyard animals- Jumin could not get comfortable, could not get to sleep. His mind kept turning, over and over, one face after another tumbling in his mind on a successive loop driving him mad. He knew he was being irrational, he was not yet so lost or fatigued to know that the thoughts inside his head were useless and only served to irritate him. There was no merit in thinking about these sorts of things, and yet, he couldn’t help it. He hated it, despised it, but still he could not stop.
“Jumin… what’s wrong?”
Sweet, kind, beautiful MC. His love. His wife. His life, his absolute everything.
“Jumin?”
Oh, how he loved her…
“I think…” he began, licking his lips to give him time to consider his words carefully, “I think that I am jealous of Yoosung.”
A thick, heavy silence came over them as only their breathing could be heard in their bedroom. He felt MC roll over in order to face him, her warm body inching closer to him. Jumin let his head fall to look upon his darling wife and tried to smile away the deep creases between her brows. It didn’t work.
“Care to… elaborate?” she asked, a concerned look flashing across her pretty face, the shadows playing against the contours as the moonlight kissed her skin- such perfection within his grasp and still, he felt jealousy. Jumin breathed in as he closed his eyes, trying his best to articulate exactly what he was feeling.
“I hate Yoosung.”
“What?”
“I hate the way you coddle him,” he said as if he didn’t hear the alarm in her voice, “the way you baby him as if he were your little brother and you are the only thing keeping him safe. That you seem ready to fight the world for him one second and in the next, bake him cookies and help him study. I hate that.”
MC lay beside him as she pondered over his words, unsure of where the sudden feelings came from and what she could do to help her husband work through these emotions. Yoosung was no threat to them, to him, if only she could-
“I hate Jaehee.”
“Now, come on Jumin, she’s your assistant and one of my best friends-”
“Exactly. She’s one of your best friends. I hate that. I hate that I can never see that part of you that she shares with you. What it would be like to call myself your best friend? I think about it all the time because I’m not your best friend, am I? What do you talk about I wonder? What do you share with her that you can’t share with me or anyone else for that matter? I hate that there are parts of you- that I can’t have. Because I want all of you.”
Jumin ran a hand through his hair as the burden that filled him up slowly began to lighten, the constriction in his chest and the pressure against his stomach starting to ease. He peered back down to his wife who still looked at him, waiting patiently for him to continue.
He did not deserve her.
“I hate Saeyoung. How he makes you laugh- I can’t do that. The way he seems to be able to say the exact thing at the right time to have you in stitches without even meaning to. The way he runs around in ridiculous costumes that has you praising him like he accomplished something grand. I hate that he can relate to you with… what are they called… memes? Stupid pictures with nonsensical words and they have you amused for hours. I hate that.”
Barely a second went by before he continued, his tirade on a roll and uncontrollable.
“I hate Saeran. I don’t know the boy and I hate him because he barely knows you and already you have a special smile reserved just for him. A special way you hold him when you both embrace hello. He barely knows you and he’s already carved out a piece of your life for him when it took me what felt like forever to convince myself that I could ever belong in yours.”
“I hate V- yes… I do. My best friend with all the charm and warmth and debonair good looks- he makes it seem so easy to talk to you. About art, about the weather… it doesn’t matter! He makes it look like breathing the way he can captivate you in discussion and sometimes I feel like I’m scraping at the bottom of the barrel of interesting topics to talk to you about and I’m petrified you’ll wake up bored of me.”
“Oh… Jumin- no-”
“I hate Zen. I do. I hate him the most.”
“Zen? Please love, he’s just a friend, like a big brother-”
“Don’t you think I know that?” he said almost desperately. “I do. I know that. He’s like your guard dog, your very own protector. I hate that he treats me like I’m still some letch that taints you with my very presence in your life. That us being together is wrong because I’m me and you’re his precious MC. I hate that it almost makes sense to me... and that... I would let him take you away from me- because I’m not worthy to have you in my life. I’m too convoluted and emotionless to have such love and loyalty- I’m sure he’s probably in love with you and I’ve stolen you away from someone much better for you-”
“Shut up.”
“And that he would never dream to hurt you-”
“I said, shut up!” she snapped as she grabbed Jumin’s arm, her small fingers digging into the flesh on his bicep hard enough to get his attention. “Shut up. Stop right there. I don’t want to hear another damn word Jumin.”
He had made her upset. It was not his intention. He just couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. Jumin searched her face, the stricken expression of her features plucking at his heart.
My love… I am sorry…
“How long have you felt this way?” she whispered, her grip loosening, her fingers caressing.
“For as long as we have been together,” he admitted as he willed his body to turn towards her, his arm automatically draping over her waist to draw her even closer to him.
He felt her soften against him, her breath tickling at his bare chest as her arms wound about him. And just like that, with her in his arms; the quiet of their room, became the quiet in his heart. The voices in his head, his own voice, was silenced. She always did that. She was the peace in a world filled with noise. She was his calm.
“Jumin- you know, it’s always been you. I chose you. I love you. There may be parts of me that you think you don’t see but you, more than anyone, see who I am- entirely. No one knows me better than you. No one sees the good and the bad that you do, no one else knows what I’m thinking before I do- but you do. You know me Jumin. You don’t need to be jealous of anyone, for anything- especially not about me. You have me. All of me.”
He sighed happily at hearing her words, nuzzling into her hair to bury his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply. She was right, of course she was, he didn’t need to feel jealous of anyone or anything, not when she chose him. He loved her, he trusted her and would rather die than put a wedge in between them.
“I love you Jumin, so much. I knew from the moment I met you that you were meant to be the one I spent my life with. To grow old and share everything with. I love you.”
Jumin pressed a soft kiss against her pulse, on her cheek and then on her forehead. He would kiss every inch of her if she would let him, but for that moment, he just needed to look upon her.
“I think… above all… I am envious of you, MC,” he smiled as she looked up at him with such shock in her eyes he almost found it funny.
“M-me? I don’t… me? Why?” she stammered as she tried to pull away from him to no avail with Jumin’s stronger grip keeping her close. His grin widened, as he brushed his lips against her hair and shushed her, his hands running up and down her back soothingly until she relaxed beside him once more.
“I am envious of you because once, just once, I would love to see me how you see me. To see what it is about me that you love.”
MC couldn’t help but smile at her husband’s revelations. She stretched up so she could place an innocent peck on his lips, her fingers dancing amongst his wayward ebony strands. After all the time that had passed, he was still capable of surprising her, still able to make the butterflies in her stomach soar.
“You don’t need to be envious of me or be me to know all of that- I love it all. I see you, and I love all of you.”
Jumin smiled and lay on his back with MC still tucked at his side, her fingers drawing random patterns along his sternum. She loved him. He knew that. He was Jumin Han, he was jealous of no one, he was rich, successful and so in love that it almost made his heart hurt. He was not jealous. He was not jealous. He was not-
He yawned as his body began to submit to the call of sleep. Jumin placed one last kiss against the crown of her head before closing his eyes. One by one, the faces disappeared, until only hers remained, and he smiled.