Ever feel like there’s too much going on in your life? Fate of the world resting on your shoulders? Too much respect to live up to? Too much power and not enough challenge? Well we at the NOSH Foundation have a solution for you! With our patented Minion Relocation technology you can escape your old stressful life and enter a whole new world in your new humble, fulfilling life as a minor antagonist. Never worry about trivial things like what to wear, what to do or what your name is ever again! Still not convinced? Let’s take a look at some satisfied customers!
Cynthia here used to be a Pokémon Champion, a very public facing and stressful role. She’d grown tired of the long hours, working vacations, and constant tournaments so when she got in touch we recommended her to our MKR34 program. One short warp pipe trip and one easy application of our SGTF mask and her whole world changed.
Now Shy Gal here spends her days dancing and booty shaking and she’s never been happier. When asked for an interview she declined while blushing but she sent a statement written on a notepad slid across the table.
“I was sceptical at first but the foundation offered a trial program: if I wasn’t happy after a week, I could go right back. With that safety net I felt it was worth a try but it turns out, I didn’t need it. As soon as I slipped the mask on it and began to transform this is where I knew I wanted to be in life. Now I’m surrounded by friends with the same interests and style, I don’t have to spend all that time on my hair and I can cut loose and shake my butt all I want. I highly recommend the No One Special Here Foundation and who knows, maybe next time I do background dancing, you’ll be there next to me. -_^”
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After unexpectedly shooting to internet stardom, Bowsette grew sick of lewd art overtaking her life and just wanted to have some space to enjoy her antagonism in peace. Thanks to our six month disgraced ninja package, she was able to quickly take up a new life as a member of the Yiga Clan in the land of Hyrule. Five months in, here’s what Yiga Footsoldier has to say for her experience:
“I wanted to get back in touch with the petty evil and not stress about appearances. It’s everything I wanted: attacking travellers, stealing treasures, dooming the world over a 10,000 year old grudge. And because I look like everyone else, I don’t give a crap about who draws porn of me. It could be any of us.”
Yiga Footsoldier was so satisfied with her placement that she’s considering making the transfer permanent.
“I thought it would be great as a break to get my mojo back but now I’m wondering if this is just me now. Being no one special here is oddly liberating and it would feel so… off to go back to being the one giving the orders and having to do the evil speeches. And thanks to Master Koga, I’ve really opened my eyes to the appeal of chunkier men. Maybe I should apologise to Wario for rejecting him so hard… Wait, is this still being recorded? Switch that off before I slit your-!”
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Impa was left at a crossroads when she had fulfilled her destined position as Sage of Shadow and all threats to Hyrule had been destroyed. All that Sheikah training and hiding in the shadows were no more use so she was left adrift. In her own words, “The problem with prophesies is that they never say what you’re supposed to do when they’re done”. So she got in contact with us and we were able to find a perfect match with our Path of Prophesied Conflict program.
Now fulfilling a prophecy of ruin, Parasol Beauty Heartless works tirelessly to gather hearts for her enigmatic masters. She declined to be interviewed but did send this message in beautiful handwriting.
“Purpose is a powerful thing, be it for good or for ill. With the emergence of Kingdom Hearts fated I am glad to fulfil my new duty, knowing that I have played my part. I may be no one special here in the grand scheme but it’s better to be a nobody (not to be confused with a Nobody) with purpose than a famed has-been. I must cut this correspondence short, there’s a rowdy youth with terrible hair that needs to be taken care of.”
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Being a hero isn’t all it’s cracked up to be as Aqua discovered. No sooner than she had become a Keyblade Master did she lose her old master, her friends and her world in one fell swoop and spent the next ten years wandering the realm of darkness. In her own words-
“I knew that the Rattata race of heroics would chew me up and spit me out with nothing to show for it if I stayed around. So when I found the No One Special Here Foundation, I took the plunge and picked up the strange orb they gave me as part of the Grunt Work program.”
Now Team Galactic Grunt is making up for those ten lost years of nothing by working overtime to bring Team Galactic’s vision of a new world to reality. She fights alongside her adorable Wurmple partner, only has to worry about meddling kids and her outfit’s still ridiculous but now machine washable. And when asked if she missed her old life and friends:
“You know, I’m counting on the old gang trying to find me. Team Galactic is always recruiting.”
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And there you have it, four satisfied customers from four different worlds finding happiness by discarding their burdensome identities and expectations, and embracing the simple joys of anonymity and hench work. If life’s wearing you down and you need to leave the world behind and find purpose, we at the No One Special Here foundation can help you today. Escape for a week, take a gap year or permanently move, it’s all up to you. Contact us today and let us help you be the nobody you always wanted to be.
