So, the last time you guys heard from me I went camping with my lovely bfā¤ļø it was so fantastic! We had so so so much funš„ŗ we were supposed to go on a 4 hour hike and it was supposed to rain so we didnāt bring sunscreen and when we crawled out of the tent in the morning it was full fucking sun so we just went home. (Still got sunburnt packing the car up. We are both ginger lmao, we should have brought sunscreen regardless of rain)
the Tuesday after was my sisters birthday party and I did manage to move my schedule around so I could stay overnight and stay with my grandparents and my sister. AND ITS A GOOD FUCKING THING I DID AND ILL TELL YOU WHY! Wednesday afternoon my grandfather had left to go exchange my grandmaās primary oxygen tank (she has COPD) so he set her up on her portable backup one. Well, she was drunk (as always) and knocked it over and broke it so she was unable to breathe. I ran to call 911 and my sister ran to get the 3rd emergency tank but we have never had to use it so we could not figure it out. My grandma REFUSED to stop yelling despite both myself and the 911 operator talking to her telling her to conserve her breath before she fucking di3d. 911 operator told me to run out and bang on neighbours doors asking if they had a defibrillator because we were certain she was about to d13 infront of us. Luckily the paramedics got there right as I got to the door to start running. SHE IS ABSOLUTELY FINE NOW! But that shit was scary as hell and the paramedics did scold her for yelling at me while she should have been conserving her breath. She is always drunk and always yelling at me so itās not a shocker if that would have been her final moments. She also blames me for the fact she almost d13d despite the fact she would have been fine if she didnāt get shitfaced and knock her tank over at 1 in the afternoon on a Wednesday
Early Friday morning lovely bf and I went to Gananoque for his family reunion and we went to a pride event with our niece and had a little too much fun having drinks and wandering the town. She ended up with a concussion and we had to drive her home and take her to the hospital by Sunday morning. (She tripped over her suitcase and fell, I promise there was no viol3nc3, just thought I should specify omg) besides the concussion the rest of the trip is so fun and I do have great memories and photos
Yesterday was my appointment with my therapist and I spent the entire session balling my eyes out ( and Iāve NEVER cried in front of any of my therapists ever in my life so this was super humiliating for me personally) because I watched the series finale of Euphoria and the one charactersā d3ath reopened the insanely dark wound from my brotherās d3ath 4 years ago. Iām still shaken and upset and angry and depressed about it. The first psychiatrist I had after his passing told me it was my fault (it literally wasnāt, I was 6 hours away in college and hadnāt talked to him in years) and that guilt came back and unfortunately is still back eating away at me that 1) it should have been me, not him 2) if I had of tried to reconnect with him maybe it wouldnāt have happened 3) I was doing the same stupid shit he was doing and Iām still here and I donāt know why and Iām angry about it because why am I āspecialā and he wasnāt!?
Iām 4 years clean because of how he passed. I was doing even stupider shit than he was and in much worse situations and Iām just confused why Iām still here and he isnāt
Anyway. Thatās what you missed. Do not worry, lovely bf is taking amazing care of me in my mental breakdown. I meet my new psychiatrist on June 30th, and I have two appointments scheduled with my amazing therapist. I am well loved and looked after by lovely bf and his entire family, and have great help from my therapist and hopefully my new psychiatrist as well when I meet them