#get run over

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[carnivaldisasters]

Mad that I’m right huh?

[psychoticpen]

me 100% of the time.

[coolhorsepics]

look out stampede

[smitche]

Spoiler Alert: In this story, I get run over by a car.

Author's Disclaimer: There are a few inconsistencies here. I made some simplifications to move it along. For instance, I can't draw hands, so I drew sticks instead. Also, it was raining, and I was wearing a ponytail, but alas, I cannot draw ponytails or slick streets either.

----

One night, I went to the movies with my friends AV and Peter. We saw Bridesmaids, and it was really funny. So funny, I peed in my pants a little.

After the movie, my friends drove me home. I lingered in the back seat, remembering funny scenes from the movie, not wanting to leave just yet. 

#foreshadowing

As I walked across the street, I thought to myself, "How can I get in a movie with Kristen Wiig?" Answer: Practice your lines. 

.

(My friends waited to make sure that I got in my gate ok - that's what good friends do.)

Eerily, I could sense something approaching on my right.

It all happened so quickly. I didn't have time to think of anything except half-jumbled word parts.

Actually I did think of one specific thing: my kneecaps. So I did what any self-respecting kneecap lover would do. I sacrificed my ass.

I turned my butt toward the hood and gave a little hop. And that's when I got run over by a car.

My poor friends saw it all happen. Like a movie in slow motion, they were trapped in time inside the car, their horrors muffled by the glass, heard only by the floor mats.

Can you imagine?

 At this point, I was just along for the ride.

Mid-air I thought, "I have no idea how this is going to turn out."

It's funny because, looking back it feels like I just made a bad decision. Like I chose getting run over by the car over not getting run over by the car. And in making the choice I did (to get run over), I was just going to have to live with it. Mom's voice crept in, "Well, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it."

But then I landed on the wet, gravel-y ground, surprisingly upright, like I simply slipped off the hood all civilized-like.

And I was angry. 

I turned around, eye level with the headlights, and I yelled at them, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" (not pictured.)

I couldn't believe this mother humper ran over me with his car! I'm a person, not a squirrel!

I went through a plethora of emotions.

And settled mightily on:

The following things also happened but are not pictured:

1. The driver smelled like feet soaked in tequila.

2. He said the actual phrases, "PLEEEAASSE just let me leave, guys!" and "PLEEAASSE just let me leave, guys! I can't afford this!"

3. AV got yelled at by the 911 operator for not focusing.

4. I overheard a girl who called 911 describe me as "Blonde, tallish, in her 20's." I immediately turned to her and said, "Oh honey! You think I'm in my 20's! Aren't you sweet?!" 

5. Peter pushed the drunken pirate sailor out of the way and locked himself in the car so Drunky McDrunkerson couldn't drive away in it. Cuz he was tryin.

Then the good guys came, and all the regular stuff ensued.

I got hit on in the ambulance.

AV and Peter watched traumatized as Drunky McD walked a very crooked line.

Dude went to jail.

And I felt guilty for it. Typical.

I kept thinking of ways that the situation could have been so much worse.

And then I started thinking of how crazy it is to get run over by a car. It's pretty crazy. Of all the things that are scheduled to happen in my lifetime, this one sure caught me by surprise. 

But if you're gonna get run over, this is how you should do it. 

Ass first, feet flying and neck engaged in the safety fall you learned in 7th grade basketball.

Oh, and alive.