Shade Number Eight: CONFIDENT
‘I never thought this would happen to me, never thought this is where I’d be’ - ‘Chains’ by Tina Arena from the album 'Don’t Ask’
Oh wow,
So my blog writing skills need some major work.
Since I have started my new job, my mind has been completely overloaded and I have neglected my journey of self discovery while I have been trying to nail the basics of my new position.
Physically, I have been struggling with early mornings and almost four hours of travelling everyday.
Mentally, I have been struggling with learning new systems and procedures that are almost alien after four years of dancing to the same tune.
Socially, I have been struggling with trying to make a good impression on my new work peers and also balance my friendships out of work with my new timetable.
Struggle, struggle, struggle.
Girrrrrl, the struggle is so real.
More than this, I have felt myself feeling completely unsure and my confidence levels have been at an all time low.
It’s so bizarre to me that I would feel like this. I know what I’m doing, I’m perfectly capable of smashing all of the tasks and trials that I have been put up against.
I found myself second guessing every decision and step that I made. Is this right? Am I doing this properly? Do I actually suck at this and I don’t know? Why hasn’t anyone ever told me that I actually suck at this?
I came home every day and sat down and tried to figure this out. Why on earth am I having such a hard time with this?
That was when I decided to dust off my laptop that has probably been in sleep mode for a few months now and got to writing.
If I can’t sort this out in my head, I should be able to sort it out on virtual paper.
I typed and typed and typed away, slamming my fingers on my keyboard and my head on the table trying to wrap my head around why I was having a Britney Spears 2007 meltdown.
It was then that I came to a realisation.
So much of my confidence as a person stems from the fact that I have always been very good at my job.
Did I get too drunk at the club and drop it too low in front of people I don’t know?
Doesn’t matter bitch, because I am a bomb visual merchandiser.
Did a stupid boy tell me that he doesn’t think I’m dating material?
He’s wrong, but also I don’t care because I can perfectly balance Coral with Cobalt Blue details and evenly distribute it across a sea of White Product. So byeeeee asshole, I don’t need you.
Most of my major personality flaws and life failures, I have been able to ignore, disregard and compensate with the fact that I have been near the top of my work game for so long.
But now babe, I am the new gal on the block. I am not JLo judging peasants on American Idol and performing songs with Iggy Azalea. I am Jenny, still on the block in the Southside Bronx, trying to get a High School certificate and signed to a record label.
Yikes, oh how the mighty have fallen.
I had always considered myself a reasonably confident person. Sometimes I get to the point where I think I am immune to sickness, possibly bulletproof and also capable of flight, but most of the time I have always felt quite secure in my own skin and able to dust myself off when I needed to.
But it appears that quite a lot of that came from my belief in my professional abilities.
Now being in an environment and situation where that is all being tested I have found that I have had to draw that strength from another source.
This has highlighted to me the deficiencies in my life where I haven’t spent as much time developing. It’s fine to draw confidence and pride from certain aspects of yourself, but when circumstances change and the balance is shifted, you can find that there are other areas where attention is needed. It’s not a bad thing, I am learning.
My journey to becoming a well rounded and level headed person means I shall start addressing these short comings. It’s like beauty queens, you can’t win just by being pretty, your weave game has to be on point, your dress needs to be amazing and you have to answer all the questions properly.
Hypothetically as a beauty queen I would be really pretty, but my weave is still being sewn in, my dress just arrived from China about twenty sizes too small with a few sequins missing and when it comes to the questions, I lack basic comprehension.
But beauty queens aren’t made over night, even Sandra Bullock needed a few weeks in 'Miss Congeniality’.
True confidence comes not from an external factor, it comes from within. It needs to come from me. Not from my skills in my profession, not from my incredible family and friends. It needs to come from me.
It comes back to my little purple pocket book of husbands. I need to add to that list of great and wonderful traits that I have, but more than that, I need to believe in them.
I am smart, I am funny, I am a fantastic merchandiser, I’m weird as hell and I’m actually quite confident.
I am all of these things but I am also more than just these things and I should be proud of that.
It really isn’t that easy to find what makes you special and just 'you’, but never keep looking and remember that you are so much more important and capable of things than you even know.
I have to stop writing now, or I will run out of things to say and I’m not even close to being finished with this blog.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Till next time Felicia xxxxxxx
'Do it, do it, you do it, you’re doing it well’ - 'Do It Well’ by Jennifer Lopez from the album 'Brave’