And it was the 69th, so you suppose it was probably filled with sexual jokes only. But nope, aside from a couple more sexual songs, it was quite tame overall.
Am I happy about that? Eeeh. Eurovision’s experience includes stupid, silly jokes, so the 69th edition should’ve given a free pass to all of that. But I suppose the main atmosphere wasn’t too much about joking.
At least, Switzerland did its best to try and keep the competition as neutral as possible - both in terms of jokes and politics.
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Rules for a good hosting
After last year’s hosting catastrophe, this year's was particularly good. I faced the first semi-final with fear in my eyes and heart, but it was way better than expected.
Please, allow me to explain why - oh and, Sweden: take notes, you might need them.
The Swiss are able to make fun of themselves, while telling us something about themselves. “Made in Switzerland” is a funny joke song, but it also taught me something new about Switzerland. Like that they invented LSD, which… makes both no sense and too much sense. But at least they’ve been able to tell me something about them that wasn’t just “Bo-hoo, we’re good for Eurovision only, stop blaming us for wanting to win, we’re good for nothing else”.
The Swiss made good interval acts and didn’t spend the entire time talking about Eurovision. Sure, they made sure to repeat that they were the birthplace of the competition, but didn’t talk just about that. They talked about the people behind the scenes, the fans, all stuff related to the competition. It wasn’t just a constant “greatest hits of the past compilation”.
They knew that last year, they lost to the people’s winner (Baby Lasagna), yet they invited him and gave him the chance to shine. They didn’t reduce his presence to 20 seconds into a joke song that insulted his country by saying: “Ah ah, we’re so much better than them at hosting, see how stupid their show would’ve been.”.
For the same reason, they invited Käärijä because they just knew that’s what people wanted and justice had to be made.
They didn’t try any stupid AI shit, by bringing up people who clearly didn’t want to participate: ABBA are not available? No problem, let’s make the whole stadium sing Waterloo. It wasn’t so hard.
Last but not least, they used only two hosts. Not three, not five, not twenty. Two competent hosts were more than enough.
And yes, I know Michelle Hunziker was in the finale - which was extremely weird for me, because I am used to seeing her on Italian TV. But she was mostly there to have an Italian speaker for the Italian side of Switzerland, so I suppose it’s fine.
In the end, the overall show and hosting were good. Nothing too life changing, nothing too shitty. Even the cringy moments are not so terrible: it’s mostly Hazel being awkward or having fun. Even the tongue thingy, that made me cringe in the first semi-final, when it came back in the final, it made me burst into a laugh. It was just too stupid to handle.
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The list of robbed kings is endless
My Australian Milkshake Man. My beautiful, funky, shirtless guy didn’t make it into the final.
The ignominy. The treachery. 200% sure it was rigged, because he was too good for this world, his song was perfect Eurovision material and his voice was great.
But if we have to mourn all robbed kings and queens the list would be endless and Käärijä and Baby Lasagna would still be on top. So let’s do the only sensible thing possible, which is follow them, listen to their songs, support them and shower them with love.
They deserve it.
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Sweden and Estonia: A joke can take you far
This year proved that you don’t always have to bring a serious song to get a high vote. Sometimes, something funny, carefree and different is enough.
And I think it’s beautiful that a silly song about sauna and the espresso macchiato came respectively 4th and 3rd. They were fun and people enjoyed them. So, they rightfully voted for them.
I hope this teaches something important to all countries, especially Sweden: there’s no need to always bring Generic Pop Song #36 performed by Generic Good-Looking Person #47. You can bring this too: a song in a Swedish dialect about something typical of your country. Something you enjoy.
Heck, I’ve learned more about Sweden thanks to this song, than by following last year’s show! At least this song tells me you like saunas: all I learned last year was that you have nothing but Eurovision.
But Espresso Macchiato teaches us something important too, which is: Italy is always good. It doesn’t matter if it’s Italy’s own entry, a song about Italy performed by San Marino or a song about Italian food. When in doubt, resort to Italy.
Which is comforting, at least. Our economy and politics are shit, but at least we still have a good reputation about the important things in life, aka arts and food.
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An overall good winner
At the end of the day, JJ was a good winner. The song was good, his vocals were incredible and the mix of three genres (opera, pop and electro) was new and original.
Sure, the theme is stale and old (a song about love, groundbreaking), but the means he used were interesting. A mix of genres is always appreciated and opera singers are great in general. Also, this song wasn’t a boring ballad and this is always the most important thing.
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The elephant in the room, behind the scenes and center stage
I’m tired.
Trust me, I would do anything else, aside from talking about Israel. But it’s not me that is bringing politics into a “nOn-PoLitIcAl ShOw”.
Israel is literally buying its place in the contest. It did it for a while and we ignored it. Now it’s more insufferable than ever.
Last year, it was all about bullying the other artists and buying votes with ads spread all over the Internet. Now it’s bending the rules and buying votes with ads spread all over the Internet.
And if this enraged me at first, now it makes me sad.
Israel is acting like a rich kid, who desperately wants to be part of a group. It has money, so it thinks it can buy anything. And, in a way, it can: it can buy a spot in this group and stay close to the other kids and show to the world that, hey, look, it is part of the group! It is just like the other kids!
But the other kids don’t like having Israel around. So, Israel buys their silence. It uses money to get posters all over, which show it close to the other kids, as a member of their group. See? Israel is part of the group! And no one protests, because clearly others are fine with its presence! It is just like the other kids!
But the group has rules to follow. So, Israel bends them and closes the protester’s mouths. This way, no one can say Israel has done something wrong or that it doesn’t belong to the group. It is just like the other kids!
But the kids don’t want it and want to say it. So, Israel bends rules again, uses bots, tampers with votes. It tries everything it can, to show how much the other kids love it. See? They love Israel! Israel is part of their group! It’s just like, it is exactly like them. And everyone loves it and treats it well and applaud when it appears because Israel is so normal and so loved and so appreciated.
For me, that’s just pathetic. The kind of pathetic only someone alone, unloved and in the wrong can make you feel. The sadness of a spoiled kid, too weak and coward to take responsibility for its own actions. A kid who prefers to hide, to lie, to bend truth and rules. All because it’s too difficult to admit it’s in the wrong.
I don’t believe the public’s votes were the ones given. I am 95% sure they were all rigged. And maybe the same didn’t happen to the jury votes, because they’re less likely to be tampered with by a government that has its tendrils all over the EBU. A government that is so blind and ignorant, to give 12 points to the Greek song. A song about genocide. Yes, they’re this oblivious.
When we reached the final, I was holding my breath too. And I am so, so relieved Austria won. But as many others pointed out, when you end a competition not by feeling happy or satisfied, but relieved… well, then there’s something wrong.
And something wrong is here indeed. It’s the participation of a spoiled, oblivious nation, that uses money and bends rules, because it really REALLY wants to pretend to have a good reputation, when it has not.
The truth is different and you know that, Israel. You know your reputation is not as good as you pretend it to be. You know your 2nd place isn’t the result of an incredible appreciation from all over the world.
You brought that placement, just like you brought your place in Eurovision. Because, deep down, you know Europe doesn’t want you here. You know that it would never invite you on its own accord. You know that, if you remove the anti-booing technology and stop the protests, you won’t hear loud cheers but just complaints and protests.
And not even all the money in the world can buy you the love and appreciation you so desperately crave.
So please, please try again and spend even more money. Bend the rules, use propaganda, lie and bully the other innocent participants, use bots and rig the voting system. Do your worst, to shout down all the voices that don’t want you there at all. You might actually win, if you rig the competition well enough.
And once you’ll have won, please, tell me how does it feel. How does it feel, to hold a cold trophy and pretend not to see the disgust on the world’s face? How does it feel, to buy an empty, soulless victory? How does it feel, to know you are not loved at all?
