Even though sometimes I get frustrated, I actually get why some people feel unsatisfied with Given. Since I felt that way at first too.
“Mafuyu moved on too fast.”
“Why would someone commit suicide so easily, and why are we expected to care?”
Those were the parts that initially felt underdeveloped, almost half-cooked.
But Given is one of those stories where your first reading really really really isn’t enough. It takes time to understand what it’s actually doing, and to adjust your expectations accordingly. Once it clicks, Istg, you realize it’s a very tightly written, character-driven narrative. If you only approach it as literature rather than just a BL romance, or only as romance, tbch.
Because the focus was never really Yuki and Mafuyu’s love story. Yuki Yoshida is the prelude to Mafuyu's journey. The story is about Mafuyu learning to live with grief after losing someone deeply important to him.
And importantly, as the story progresses, we begin to understand that Yuki’s suicide isn’t reducible to that one argument. There are deeper, underlying issues at play, but they’re never fully spelled out. And that lack of clarity is intentional. Because most of the time, especially with teenage suicide, there isn’t a single clean, explainable reason. It’s messy, layered, and often incomprehensible to the people left behind.
That ambiguity is part of Mafuyu’s grief.
And that’s exactly why Mafuyu “falling in love quickly” with Ritsuka Uenoyama is something we’re supposed to *examine*, not dismiss.
Mafuyu doesn’t just “move on.” He’s grieving all the way through Umi e. His guilt, his panic when it finally hits him that Yuki is truly gone, his relief at ultimately learning to let go, those moments are very deliberately written.
At the same time, what he feels for Ritsuka begins almost immediately and runs parallel to that grief, attraction, emotional pull, dependence, and a kind of quiet reverence.
And this is where the distinction matters.
What Mafuyu feels for Ritsuka is clearly romantic in nature, it involves vulnerability, longing, and a willingness to open himself up again. What he had with Yuki, on the other hand, reads very differently. It’s closer to familial attachment at its core, shaped by proximity, history, and emotional reliance, paired with a codependent dynamic that included a sexual component. Which is why Yuki is never positioned in Mafuyu’s mind as a “romantic rival” to Ritsuka.
Because the two relationships don’t occupy the same emotional category.
Yuki represents, familiarity, entanglement, a past kid Mafuyu didn’t fully understand until it was gone.
Ritsuka represents, conscious choice, emotional risk, vulnerability, need to surrender self, and a new kind of love that requires adolescent Mafuyu to actively engage with his own feelings. And that’s the core of Given.
Not a love triangle. Not a competition.
But a story about how someone learns to differentiate, process, and rebuild their capacity to love after loss.
And if you read it that way, a lot of things people call “too fast” or “underdeveloped” start to make structural sense.
Bro, I just started watching Given, and oh my god, everything about this dude SCREAMS adult Megumi.
Like, Megumi was a bully in high school and is already carrying the weight of 1000 traumas; meanwhile, THIS clone is in high school in a whole ass BAND??
Make it make sense. 🧍
I wanted soft Shin Fushita content, and instead I got trapped in the uncanny valley oven. 😭
Points of evidence (because my brain won’t shut up):
Same resting “I hate everyone” face.
The black hair + “don’t talk to me” aura is a COPY-PASTE.
Both give “raised by wolves and trauma.”
Literally the type to say 5 words max per day unless it’s to roast you.
If Megumi grew up and accidentally joined a boy band = this guy.
Although I personally prefer Megumi’s boyfriend (Yuji Itadorky™) because at least he’s got a personality, and I’m only on ep 3, but this one (Mafuyu Sato—Uenoyama’s future bf) has yet to demonstrate a single functioning brain cell :D
Megumi scored Yuji "Plot Armour" Itadorky™, while poor Uenoyama is stuck babysitting Sato’s 0.3 collective brain cells.
The math ain’t mathing :D
SatoShin are doing their own Nanami x Gojo cosplay, and I’m not ok.
So now, instead of enjoying the music anime I came for, I’m spiralling into a crossover ship war in my own head.
Can I just say, I understand how its important for Mafuyu's closure that he was dragged to the concert however, in actuality, this was also the biggest final challenge, a grand display of Mafuyu's personal growth
This comes with acknowledging what Mafuyu's main issue actually is: the lack of control he has over his life. It is an evident scenario even from the very beginning that decisions are often forced upon him, and that all his opinions and wants are to forcefully shut. That they did not matter, for whatever his reason may be. These decisions have brought him great burden that he alone has to carry.
The first time he asserted himself was when he decided to enroll at a different school than SYH. And as we know, things did not go to plan, creating turmoil within the friendship group and, most especially, the relationship, leaving a lasting traumatic impact on him.
The only place where he, his thoughts, and ideas were met with patience and given priority was within 'Given', and we can see him trust once more as he starts to assert his wants and ideas
Consciously he realizes he is being valued and that his voice mattered. This issue is highlighted more during this conversation he had with Ritsuka wherein he takes notice and addresses this to Mafuyu- it was a boost to his confidence! An assurance that being selfish/assertive was not explicitly a bad thing
It was until things started to move rapidly once again, triggering Mafuyu to go back to how he was before. The same cycle repeats, and now we see him forced into making a decision he absolutely did not necessarily need to take right at that moment. Let's be real, it did not matter if he went or not, and there could have been more ways to go with the situation; however, this is a story and it had to be written as such for this exact situation
What situation? Stepping out of one's own comfort zone and facing a challenge despite heightened emotions. One he had been in before and deathly feared to be in once again.
Ugetsu riled Mafuyu's anxieties, acting exactly like all of those that backed Mafuyu into that uncomfortable corner once before
However, although he could not really disagree with Ugetsu and assert his boundaries, being thrust into the situation, he had turned his priorities to the things that he could control, something he could not so much have done before, thus showing how he regains control over his life. This time it turned to wanting and choosing to be in the situation. And as we know, Mafuyu isnt the type to back out on promises, especially those which pursues his heart despite all anxiety and hesitation
He will show up
And he continued to show up, even when he had to face that fear alone. And that had always been Mafuyu's nature, but this time done decisively with no hesitation
I find this final book to be a wonderful full-circle way to close off Mafuyu's story. Despite how dark the book goes, it ends in triumph for its main protagonist! He gets what he deserves the most: healing in a safe space full of love, understanding, and patience! We're shown how Mafuyu had grown throughout those years as he meets eye-to-eye the exact situation, but this time now fully equipped to face it!
Truly what we can learn is that bravery doesn't come without fear and anxiety but rather is the actions that we perform despite them. To not let the negative bundle inside take over one's urgency and do what matters, especially when concerning the people we love!
Finally able to finish this thread from October 10, 2022! Now complete with my full thoughts for the story~ Happy to have it archived here on tumblr <3
My favourite panel in chapter 50/Mix_20 of Given is actually this 😂😂😂
I LOVE how Kizu drew the smokey miasma of emotions behind Mafuyu. This is after the FIRST time that Mafuyu has full blown bawled in front of Hiiragi, Shizu and Uenoyama, potentially the first time he’s cried so much in front of anyone. Previously, we’ve only ever seen him cry (fuyunohanashi) after Uenoyama returned to the stage. Mafuyu is always on the verge of tears but he actually never allows himself, consciously or subconsciously, to feel his emotions fully, to even go there. This panel is so so precious to me because he’s feeling the COMPLEX AFTERMATH that encompasses not only
the catharsis of finally being able to meet Yuki again
the catharsis from coming out of an extended period of emotional shutdown and bottled fear
his love for music and Uenoyama BUT ALSO
the discomfort of showing his vulnerable, and most probably uncontrollable outburst of tears in a public setting (I mean the gucci eyebags with the mildly annoyed expression really screams “how dare you make me feel my emotions but also I love you”).
That’s sooo many inexplicable feelings for our poor little Pomeranian! He must be exhausted! 😭😭❤️ I bet my money that Mafuyu is taking another sick day off school after SYH’s live from crying so much. But that’s also why Uenoyama is so good for him, he encourages Mafuyu to be vulnerable with him, to “not be on the verge of tears holding these emotions in all by himself” when Ue is around. Uenoyama means Mafuyu should give himself the space to cry, to laugh when they are together.
Ohh sorry so much I was meaning to write about this chapter since awhile, but my job was demanding lately and I also got new obsession to over-think *cough* BSD Stormbringer *cough* But here I am finally getting time to gush about Ugetsu and Mafuyu xD
(btw i had fun with creating new pfp with this picrew)
This post will be more Ugetsu-centric – I will focus on Mafuyu later on together with covering mix 19 – though maybe after full scans will be available since judging from spoilers it relies a lot on visuals. But in short, it is so beautiful chapter with Mafuyu’s arc blooming 💖
As for now - what can i say - mix 18 is simply perfection. Feel prepared to me simply counting up things I loved xD
Honestly I love everything about it – finally getting Ugetsu’s return in such amazing way, the way Mafuyu was portrayed in such human and vulnerable way and character development of them both. Besides, interaction between them were pure gold xD I liked how funny was clash between their personalities, which balanced more serious and angsty side of this chapter.
I really like how Given is consistent with themes and parallels between all characters, especially Akigetsu and Mafuyama in this one. It feels very thoughtful how Natsuki-sensei planned all of it.
Okay, so let’s start digging~~
If you read my analysis of Ugetsu’s booklet from movie - you know that I was concerned with how he was shown so alone and isolated from outside world; with no human interaction except that text from Akihiko.
Honestly I literally gasped when he admitted that by himself in this chapter xD
Really wow – such development considering that he started as character ‘i-have-no-friends’ and neglecting himself in lot of ways. He went long way T_T
I really liked his vibe in this chapter – it really feels that he thought over his life and changed. Even without clear destination – it feels symbolic that he no longer wants to live in temporary hotels and wants to sell his old house ( which was symbol of his cocoon) – like butterfly he is now free to live fully and make connection with outside world.
So proud of Ugetsu~~
I am really curious if we will got more spinoff or something about Ugetsu – it really feels like some part of his life ended, but new possibilities are ahead – I really love how carefree he ponders on his future. Also since Natsuki-sensei mentioned on her twt that she made changes to booklet story to include improved version to Given vol.8 – I still think she likes Ugetsu quite a lot xD
Okay, let’s move on Mafuyu-Ugetsu bond ~~
I love their dynamics so much – in this chapter it was really perfect way how to show kinda mentor-student relationship should work (and without mentor dying per trope *sighs in bsd*).
I loved how Mafuyu opened to Ugetsu about he is going through – because of he knew what’s Ugetsu been through and how they are alike, these factors helped him to admit his deepest worries and insecurities. Though this arc Mafuyu talked to others, but it was the heartfelt connection between MafuUge that let him to be more at ease speaking himself. Like Ugetsu being comfort friend for him like no other.
I love Mafuyu reaction to Ugetsu’s spontaneous decision to go together to SYH live :D
They are just perfect xDD
On more serious side, I really liked hands symbolism in this – at first Mafuyu is uncomfortable with this decision like feeling desperate that Ugetsu didn’t understand him and grasping him to wait, not wanting to go and confront Uenoyama.
But then after they talk more – Ugetsu’s points get through to Mafuyu. I also loved how Ugetsu knew what to say and how help Mafuyu. Like literally he said what Mafuyu needed to hear – both calling out on lack of communication with Uenoyama, making good points on indecisiveness having painful consequences, and praising him for trying his best.
It is great too that Ugetsu didn’t handed full solution for Mafuyu – ‘only’ provided support and good insights and ultimately gave Mafuyu push in right direction, which is taking him by hand to SYH debut (meanwhile Mafuyu ceasing to resist).
What’s more, it is really good that they got separated in the crowd – Mafuyu has to alone make decision for his own future and this is giving him that free space. After all, from story perspective mentor is supposed only to show protagonist way of living and giving advice like fundament - and protag must have built on that by himself and go beyond.
Besides, I really love that callback to chapter 27 – on one side we have that emotional scene with Ugetsu/Mafuyu crying due to being terrified of what comes with future, and to balance that we have frame with comforting ‘all will be okay’ providing support to one another.
Excuse me now to cry in the corner a bit T_T
Ngl Ugetsu looking melancholic when Mafuyu brought up his story with Akihiko also made my Akigetsu heart weep a bit too T_T
Finally - to end on positive note,
mentor-student dynamics is often show that student could achieve at what mentor didn’t succeed - that’s why imo (contrary to Akigetsu as these ships were paralleled in this chapter) Mafuyama will get their happy ending with most likely pursuing music as career. And since story established that Mafuyu and Ugetsu and inspiring and helping each other - I hope one day we will get Ugetsu happy ending as well – by that I mean him being renowned violinist while having friends and/or loving husbando xD
That’s all for now – thanks for reading and have great day <3
So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.
This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.
Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.
So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.
WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON
Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.
The Lead-In
First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:
[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]
Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)
In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.
[Translation:
Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever...
Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort...
Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]
So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.
However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.
Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.
In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.
But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.
[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]
No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.
But now, that illusion is shattering.
This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.
Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)
But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.
And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.
The Crucial Chapters 19-20
Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.
Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.
Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.
Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.
This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:
[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]
Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.
Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"
As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.
Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?
Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]
While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.
Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.
[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]
This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:
Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...
And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]
It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.
Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.
And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.
"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,
[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]
He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)
The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.
[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]
Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.
[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]
Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.
Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.
Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.
Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.
Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)
We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.
The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.
[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]
The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.
The Aftermath
The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.
But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.
Haruki is furious.
「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."
At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."
The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.
And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.
But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.
This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.
He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.
[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]
And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.
Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)
Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.
All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.
...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!
If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!
