#gizmobread

[vaguemylk]

I love you so much, boo. You were the best dog. The best.

[vaguemylk]

I miss you, boo. I miss you coming to tell me it’s dinner time. I miss you.

[VD: white Pomeranian gizmo happily barking while I coo, “what is it?”. /end ID]

[vaguemylk]

One of my favourite lines is from a painting by William Kentridge: Her absence filled the world. I’ve always thought it was beautiful — a loss so profound it permeates every part of your life.

I’ll look at your dog bowl in the kitchen and your leash on the shoe rack and your stairs by my bed and the pet seat belt in my car and a bed for you in every room of the house and tins of treats in all of my bags — evidence that you were here in my home and my life — and my face will break open, all this love with no where to go.

You made eating more exciting. You made walking more exciting. I struggle to go outside but it made you so happy to explore and adventure. I struggle to get out of bed but you would be so keen to start the day, you’d climb over my limbs and paw too close to my face, excited beyond measure to discover I’m awake, trying to tell me in your own words, it’s time to get out of bed. You made being alive easier, gizmo. You were in every part of my life, filling it out, making the colours and smells and tastes and sounds better.

And I try to think how lucky I am that I got that. I am trying to be grateful. But I already missed you while you slept and now I can’t even have that. I can’t look at you, can’t wake you up by snuffling in your fur and kissing your snout. I already hated the summer because you’d sleep on the floor at night instead of sleeping with me and I’d miss you, miss you, miss you. I woke up this morning and forgot, for one beautiful second, that you were gone.

I keep calling for you, boo, baby, gizmo, and think you’ll come scuttling out from under the bed, from behind the couch, from the cardboard house I made you when I was too sad to do anything else. I hear cutlery clink against crockery and think I’ll hear your eager footsteps, knowing someone, somewhere is eating and you’d like to be included, please. I hear noises in the night and sit up, thinking maybe you — maybe it’s you, wandering around the room, needing the bathroom or digging around for food. Then I remember you’re not here. You won’t be here, ever again.

I knew you would leave but I didn’t think it would be so sudden. I thought we had more time. I thought you’d slow down and tell me quietly, I’m going soon. I’m so sorry you didn’t get one day where we did all your favourite things — going somewhere with new smells for a long walk, having ice cream and cheese. I wanted one more McDonald’s drive through with you. I wanted to go on one last roadtrip with you. Stay in another hotel with corridors and elevators with you. Take more photos of you at Cabramatta licking cheese foam off the lid of my uji matcha. Take you to the beach again for a stroll on the sand. Go for a two-hour hike in the mountains. Play rounds of fetch in the sunroom. Our favourite little adventures that I did because they made you happy and that made me happy.

Do you understand that? You made me — with my pervasive sadness and misery and fear and rage — you made me happy. I hope I made you happy too, boo. I always tried my best to.

Eventually I’ll have to go get out of this empty bed and into this big world filled with the absence of you. But for now I want to lie here, with my broken face and broken fucking heart, trying to imagine you climbing over my limbs and pawing too close to my face, excited beyond measure to discover I’m awake, trying telling me in your own words, it’s time to get out of bed.

[vaguemylk]

Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for staying with me for as long as you did. No amount of time would have ever been enough. I loved every moment you gave me. Every strand of fur you let me touch. Every cuddle and kiss you begrudgingly allowed. Every wiggle of your little nose and every derisive scoff and every bratty bark. Every meal on the couch and in the car. Every roadtrip. Every morning walk. Every bath. Every nap. Every run. Every time you got me out of bed. Every time you got me outside the house. Every time you let me bother you because I missed you while you slept. Every single second.

You looked at me like I hung the moon but I hope you know you were my entire world. Your teriyaki tear stains. Miso ears. Bread paws. The way you smell after getting caught in the rain. The way you smell after dried from the bath. The pink of your belly. Your pom pom tail. Your cuddle size. Your backpack weight. Your softness. Your warmth. Your impatient sharp nips to my leg that I told you off for but secretly loved.

I wish I kissed you more. I wish I carried you more. I wish I smelled you more. But I know I always did — because I always knew this wasn’t forever. I already knew so I loved all of you with all of me.

Every single part of me loves you, gizmo. Look what you did. You made me full of love.

[vaguemylk]

sick pet stuff under the cut ///

gizmo got really sick during the night around 3am; i drove to our vet first thing and gizmo was crying the whole way. the vet said he’s not sure what it is but gizmo is on painkillers and fluids right now. might be an infection or a ruptured gallbladder. we’re not sure if it will be okay but the vet said he’s doing everything he can.

i don’t know what happened. gizmo seemed fine all day yesterday and now we’re talking about whether we might have to say goodbye. gizmo’s too old to go through surgery so our options are really limited.

we’ve gone with keeping gizmo at the hospital until they can get a sonographer or something to do some scans. not sure how many days gizmo will be here for. if you are a praying person, please ask your higher being if i could please keep my dog longer than this. i don’t want to say goodbye yet.

[vaguemylk]

☺️💖 7 January 2024

[vaguemylk]

goodnight friends in my phone 🌙

[vaguemylk]

eepy aby ☕️

[VD: camera zooms in on a cardboard box decorated to look like a drive-thru Starbucks, inside the window is white pomeranian gizmo settling in to sleep. /end ID]