#goddessinthemaking

[sluttygoddesspodcast]

He won’t understand what he lost because he never knew what he had in the first place 💋 💥Good morning lovers💥 ::: ::: ::: ::: #donttakemeforgranted #imastar #goddessinthemaking #goddessenergy #youknowthevibes #sandeeismyname (at B R O O K L Y N!*) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9wMzvLJluI/?igshid=lx8tqsnlbqvb

[oldladydatin]

My half built house.

I had this dream the other day about my ex and I have been thinking about him since. I hate it! No...I fucking hate it! That’s worthy of the profanity. If there’s anyone in this world I never want to think about again it’s him. I think of that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I wish it was a thing, I’d erase him from my mind and make it spotless. I’ve had people say they learn from people like him but I think what lessens are there to learn from this? I got to learn people are cruel, selfish and will use you up and throw you away like trash. I got to learn to be cautious of people, to protect myself, to not get attached, to avoid falling in love, that it’s okay to hurt others to get what you want in the end. Those aren’t lessens I wanted to learn, I want to believe people are basically good, I want to give without concern of what’s going to happen to me, I want to fall in love and share myself with someone, I liked being carefree. Then someone came along and now I’m what not supposed to be? I don’t want to be hardened, cruel, selfish and suspicious, in essences I don’t want to be like him.

On a day to day basis I actively try not to think about this guy and it’s mostly going okay. I really only think about him when shady shit happens in the dating world. Like this time a guy I was seeing blocked me on that bdsm site to avoid me seeing he was playing with others and then he said he just deleted it because he met me and I was all he was interested in? I said to myself ahhh no that’s some Eric shit right there and I’m not falling for no more Eric shit. When men play these games I often wonder if Eric wrote a “how to play women online manual” and they are all following it, but I often think pfft you all should meet my ex and step your game up I’m not falling for this shit. I think about him when I scroll through my messages on my dating apps and the guys named Eric, I think nope I’ve had enough Eric’s for the rest of my life. Like I’ve sworn off an entire group of people because of this one guy, like I would rather be single for the rest of my life than have his name roll off my tongue again. I think about him when I see that the guys astrological sign is leo, I think fuck that I’m not dating another leo, my ex husband was also a leo.

To be fair, I knew, I have some weird ability to know things I shouldn’t know, I don’t know if it’s intuition, if it’s that I’m extremely sensitive to stuff, I don’t know. It’s weird to know things but not be able to definitively say I know this because. I’ve gotten in cars with people and immediately gotten out because I sensed something wasn’t right. I’ve removed my kids from places because I had a bad feeling about someone. I showed up to Eric’s house one day and knew there was another women in his life and couldn’t explain how. The times I’ve ignored that I’ve been hurt, and badly. I knew he was lying, cheating and hiding things from me, I guess I thought if I was patient he’d love me like I loved him. It was foolish, it’s foolish to accept less than you deserve, it’s foolish to let people treat you like trash hoping for love. I lost friends over this guy. Because people got tired of watching this, if you were my friend it was frustrating. I got told I was stupid. People told me I was just looking for attention. I lied to people because I didn’t want to be lectured, I lied to people to protect him, I lied because I didn’t want my friends and family to hate him. The first guy I was in love with, my parents hated him because he wasn’t making good choices. After he pulled a knife on someone at my house we weren’t allowed to see each other but we’d sneak around and do things together anyways. One day a good family friend came over and caught us together when she knew we weren’t allowed to be, I tried to hide him in my room and lie about it. She told me if a man makes you feel like you need to lie he’s not a good man. I thought about that when I was doing this with Eric because she’s right, I lied for my ex husband too.

I don’t want to think about him because every memory of him is tainted. We went on very very few dates and they were always rushed like he didn’t have time for me he was just meeting some quota, he didn’t enjoy spending time with me. He’d look over his shoulder in public like he didn’t want to be caught with me. Every thing he ever said to me was a lie. Every nice thing he did for me, he did 20 awful ones behind my back. Even sex in the end was very one sided, I wasn’t enjoying it but it meant I got to spend time with him. He attacked me during sex twice, and made me think he was going to attack me another time. I know you think how can you be attacked in a bdsm relationship? Well the big difference is consent. There’s a difference between someone saying I’m going to flog you for this long, and we’re having normal sex and all of a sudden I’m being forced kicking and screaming, yelling no, please no, while being beat, into restraints. There’s a big difference. I didn’t tell anyone, I lied, I hid bruises, I cried everytime I saw them, I was embarrassed and ashamed that I let things go that far. When I finally told my best friend what happened, months after, when we weren’t together, we were at the bar going to see Biz Markie it was happy thing and I started crying. I couldn’t even talk about it. Because it’s hard to be hurt by someone you loved and trusted, it was so much more mental than it ever was physical. 

I used to not believe in God. I didn’t get raised in church or around positive people. I thought if there was a God surely he hated me, right? So many bad things had happened. One night when I was in the hospital worried I was going to die I had an experience that made me see this whole thing differently. I think God gives us signs but we have free will and we have to recognize those signs and act on them. Since then I’ve become a lot more aware. I had signs, and bad feelings and I ignored them. I really believed if I loved him enough he’d love me too, I thought I could make him be a better man. We do that as women, all too often. Imagine if we put that much effort into loving ourselves instead of worrying about these broken weak men. He had no intention of loving me, he didn’t even try to get to know me. He already had someone and I was just a toy for when he was bored. He lied to me all the way up to the last day. I dropped his son off one morning and saw a car and had a feeling and I ignored it. I’m house shopping and I’ve driven past his house unfortunately, and guess what car is parked there. Yep this man cared so little about me or my feelings he had a girl stay over when we were together and didn’t hide it, just treated me like some common whore, and I ignored that. The final straw he was texting me saying things like that he loved me, or that he was enjoying looking at personal pictures of me, asking for pictures of me, playing on my emotions especially when he heard I was seeing someone. Then I went to the store. I wasn’t supposed to be there, I was supposed to go the night before but I overslept for work, I wasn’t supposed to be there. So I chanced dropping kids off at school late and I see him with another girl, I had never seen him at this store and I used to go there all the time. I tried to dodge down another aisle and not have that awkward interaction, because at first he didn’t see me, but it ended up happening anyways and he saw me and waved and it was awkward. I held my shit together because I was with my son, I dropped him off to school and I cried for hours. I prayed to God for him to take him out of my life and I didn’t care how. I really cried please God this hurts I just want this to go away. I never pray, I was just hurting that bad. I was just so exhausted and I took that sign, and I committed myself to getting past this.

I’ve been reading books on how to do that and journaling. I read this book by Guy Winch, he has a few Ted Talks. I followed his advice, I made two lists “Reasons why I shouldn’t be with Eric” and “Pet Peeves” it was things like he’s a pathological liar, he doesn’t care about my feelings, washes his dick after sex, doesn’t care if I orgasm, acts shady about everyday things, has an inability to communicate, is extremely negative about life, tells the exact same stories repeatedly, anything that’s ever bothered or hurt me and I look at that when I think about him. I blocked anyone I knew was associated with him, I went as far as to find his family members on facebook and block them because he said that when we miss the person we’re trying to get over we like facebook stalk the person, I don’t do that. Changed locks, changed my number, instructed my kids not to talk to him or his kids. He said we search for reasons why it didn’t work out rather than accepting what’s infront of us. I did that. Because I don’t really know what the issue was? I have no idea why he did this to me. In this circumstance I just have to accept there really are bad people in the world. I decided to make up one myself and when I start wondering why he did these things to me I say it out loud. I sometimes imagine what a life with the man I got to know would be like, not the one he pretended to be, but the one he actively presented time and time again, what kind of a life would I have had with that guy? And I try to be thankful I dodged that bullet. I’m trying not to let this experience turn me into him. And I’ve gotten past a lot of this, I really only think about him when the above things happen. But now I’ve had this damn dream.

In my dream, it was dark out and I was in the middle of the desert and I was frustrated. I was trying to call him, it was odd. It was like trying to call the cartel or some other black market organization, like super shady and I had to go through different channels to get a hold of him. Then finally I get ahold of him and I’m pissed off and suddenly I’m standing in the middle of a half falling down single wide trailer. I’m yelling because he was supposed to have finished my house, I’m so mad because what am I supposed to do with a half built house? He was him, extremely dismissive of my feelings, offering cold detached apologies, giving extremely vague explanations and in the end clearly my house wasn’t getting built. Just like how in the end of our relationship clearly this man was never going to love me. So I was standing there with my kids, at night, in a half built house, pissed off and then I woke up. I was so dumbfounded by this dream I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I started researching the symbolism of it. I read that in dreams houses represent our self, and the state of the house matters. The fact that this house was run down, neglected and under construction may mean the same for myself, that maybe I’m neglecting parts of myself, that I need to work on myself. Ex boyfriends matter too, even if they barely qualify as being a boyfriend and again the specifics surrounding the ex matters. However it seems this could be anything from my ex also represents parts of myself that I’ve neglected, or it could be a warning not to make the same mistakes again. It could also mean I’m angry with myself, or just plainly it’s my subconscious trying to help me get past him. I did learn that ultimately I want to have a dream where he dies. If you dream your ex dies then it means you’re over him. I completely agree with the half built house maybe representing my need to work on myself. After the things I’ve gone through the last few years there’s just no way I’m a fully built house. However I’ll never be a single wide trailer, especially not an off white one. I’m too amazing of a woman for all that.

I want to share this quote I saw today, “Satan loves to take what’s beautiful and ruin it. God loves to take what’s ruined and make it beautiful.” I love this, concentrate your energy on your house, make it beautiful, and avoid those who seek to ruin it. 

[natasharootphotography]

Editing space: arranging the pieces to a beautiful winter goddess for me today! What's going on in your space? #natasharootphotography #fineartphotography #editing #editingspace #winter #screenshot #create #imagine #inspire #bts👑 #winter #goddessinthemaking

[goldenchildren]

Woops, she nailed it