By the Numbers Jöback, Hill, Stolle
By the Numbers: The Peter Jöback/Samantha Hill/Jeremy Stolle Stream, August 15, 2020
A more timely roundup! The things that can be accomplished without a kitten on your head!
This was a fascinating boot, featuring a Phantom with a lovely Swedish accented tenor voice, Samantha “too sweet to be hot, except to the Phantom” Hill, and release-the-thirst-floodgates Jeremy Stolle. The Stolle thirst was boundless. The Stolle thirst was all encompassing. There was scarcely a vocal phrasing, gesture, line read or body part that was not only mentioned but gushed over. I did not even begin to count the ways. Every category would have been “greater than infinity”. And, every comment was true. This man delivered! From the height of his tallness to the depths of his deep baritone, Stolle was on a roll in this boot. The boot itself was very good quality, only one large Head occasionally swallowing the action like a black hole. Very worth seeing! The passion of the AIAOY Kiss is matched only by the physics involved in making it happen between oh so tall Stolle and oh so small Hill. But true love always finds a way!
Suggested names for this boot: Jöback in Black Boot, IKEA Phantom Boot, Stolle the Show Boot (Okay, nobody suggested these. It was me. I suggested these. The first one was from Fish’s password for this stream, though!)
Statistician’s Favorite Boot Name: The FÅNTØM Boot (again, nobody’s suggestion but mine, spelling courtesy of missbuster)
Wow, we like to talk about Phantoms: Well this week, we seemed to talk about everybody except other Phantoms. Oh sure, some were mentioned, but let’s mix it up and see what other names were dropped this week. Supply your own context for even greater amusement, because heaven knows you won’t find it here. These numbers are a lot more accurate because, again, no kitten on head this week. It occurs to me that instead of meticulous record keeping, I could just make crap up. Not this week. Maybe next week. All these people were genuinely mentioned in this week’s stream.
Carly Rae Jepsen (7), Vin Diesel (1), John Travolta (3), Antonio Banderas (5), Hugh Jackman (3), Ian McKellen (3), Judy Dench (1), Emmy Rossum (2), Anne Hathaway (4), Russell Crowe (3), Patrick Wilson (1), James Corden (1), Rebel Wilson (1), Hadley Fraser (1), Kelly O’Hara (1), Francesca Hayward (1), Michael Gruber (1)
Fond mentions of 1998 “Cats”: 6
Mentions of 2019 “Cats”: 12 (I have left out any adjectives as most were Not Charitable.)
Opinions that “Cats” should only be done as an animation: 2
Oh, hey, yeah, another Phantom, mentions of Gerard Butler: 5 (I have left out any adjectives as most were along the lines of Bless His Heart)
Oh, hey, yeah, another Phantom, mentions of Paul Stanley: 14 (I have left out any adjectives as most were somewhere between Not Charitable and Bless His Heart)
Wishes for Rose to have good luck on her date while the rest of us stayed glued to our monitors on a Saturday night: 9
Inappropriate Random Zoom: to Christine’s dressing table during Raoul’s visit (not NEARLY as inappropriate as the Random Zoom to Barbara the mannequin’s doors of summer during last week’s stream.)
Self-Caress mentions: 3 (The Phantom. The PHANTOM. Not whatever you were thinking.)
What scent are the Phantom’s candles: Hopeless Mist (no, the Phantom’s candles were not discussed this week. As the creator of the candle line which includes Underground Despair, I have decided to use this statistical summary to focus group test additional scentsations suitable for the Phantom’s Lair. You are warned that this may be an Ongoing Feature.)
Boner mentions: 2 (I will not name names, you know who you are)
Apparent confirmation of boner mentions by people noticing Christine looking down during The Sprawl: 3
Is there any safe way to say that boner mentions are ummm trending downward?: No
Unofficial Dialogue: “TA DAAA” when the Phantom reveals the mirror bride (courtesy Wheel-of-fish, who just barely beat haunted-hideaway to it)
Outrageous Rumors Category:
“Carly Rae Jepsen as Meg…..A dream”—deardaaery
“Carly Rae Jepsen played Meg???” –mrskroger
“I love how these streams can be used to start outrageous rumors”—Aldebaran
“rushing to tumblr to tell everyone about carly rae jepsen playing meg”—Wheel-of-fish
“Vin Diesel played Raoul, fact”—Aldebaran
Suggestions for additional characters Jeremy Stolle could play in the All Stolle Show (phantom-of-the basement): Mirror Bride (christinegrrl), Monkey Music Box (Flora-Gray), Madame Firmin (ktarinajones)
Everyone’s a critic: “First review for the all stolle show has to be “he stolle the show” otherwise it’s a missed opportunity”—butdreamsofbeauty
The Phantom’s pillows mentions: 7
People of the opinion that the Phantom should use one of his 600 pillows as a cushion for fainted Christine’s head: 2 (question and number of pillows estimated by ashadeintheshade)
Vintage madamefaust on the Pillow Question:
Look, he took a long time arranging those pillows. They’re from Pier One, they’re expensive, he doesn’t want to put them on the floor.
“You know he’s handy. Everything is probably homemade. Bitch can sew a hem.”—Melancholy’s Child
“Erik as a contestant on Project Runway”—Benny-Lynne
“I’m convinced he hand-sewed the Red Death costume.”—haunted-hideaway
“Five and half months working on that Red Death cosplay”—yamiangie
“has a “Red Death” pintrest”—blahahala
Outrageous Rumors Part Two:
“The pillows are hot-glued to the boat”—wheel-of-fish
People who fell for the Phantom hot-gluing pillows to the boat: 4
Outrageous Rumors Part Three
“Carly Rae Jepsen hot glued those pillows”—wheel-of-fish
We stan a crafty Phantom:
“I just like the idea of Erik with a glue gun”—wheel-of-fish
“erik bedazzling things”—butdreamsofbeauty
“He DEFINITELY has a bedazzler.”—madamefaust
“erik bedazzles his own capes”—christinegrrl
“erik with a staple gun putting pillows on a boat: KACHUNK”— phantomofthebasement
“Being a mirror bride must be a hard job”—mrskroger
“damn straight”—the-real-barbara
Rare Don Atillio appreciation mention: 1
Andre’s probable fear of ballerinas mentions: 6 (as suggested by madamefaust)
Andre’s issue gets a name: Tutuphobia—Aldebaran
Possible alternate ending for POTO:
There’s like 8 ballerinas….if they all came together the Phantom would have no chance.—hell-lawliet
That’s why Buquet always carries a noose, fear of ballerinas–Aldebaran
AIAOY Kiss comments: 45 comments in 24 seconds
Requests for AIAOY Kiss replay: 6 (replay occurred)
Incorrect use of the Raoul as an International Unit of Measure: 1 (I misstated in the stream that Christine would be 1.62 Raouls in height. This is clearly false, as it would make her much taller than Raoul, who is already impossibly tall. Using as our values Mr. Stolle at 6’3” and Ms. Hill at 5’4”, Christine’s height expressed in Raouls would be .8533 Raouls. The statistician regrets the error. This is why maybe I should just make crap up next time. No, I will not convert the heights to the metric system.)
“And the Phantom is just quietly weeping in the angel because…even he knows that is a hard act to follow”—madamefaust
“That is a kiss to cause a Phantom mental breakdown for sure”—Flora-Gray
“oh no the ikea phantom becomes unassembled”—Aldebaran
“he wasn’t anchored to the wall”—Benny-Lynne
“Someone get the allen wrench, we need to put back together a saad boi”—haunted-hideaway
Unholy Trinity of Cooper/Thiago/Uwe mentions: 1 (by madamefaust, who perhaps is protected by the sheer power of her vast Phannish humor and talent. Please do not invoke the Unholy Trinity on a whim yourself.)
Respect given to Steve Barton in the form of “Fs”: 11 (entirely appropriate at any time but especially during a boot with such a stellar Raoul)
Red Death as a Swedish Fish mentions: 3 (not to his face, never to his face)
“tiny swedish fish red death”—Aldebaran
“HE IS A SWEDISH FISH”—madamefaust
“the most dramatic swedish fish”—butdreamsofbeauty
Best from Onthevirg’s Mom: “We should talk about Phantom Jaws”
Split decision on the statement by mrskroger that Wandering Child has a strong Daddy’s Home vibe:
*Strong NO from Wheel-of-fish
*Strong YES from Benny-Lynne
“Fire Pez One. Fire Pez Two.”—Aldebaran
“Skeletor Pez Dispenser”—DoCTy
“I wonder what it’s like to be that dramatique that you fashion a staff that shoots fire”—haunted-hideaway
“He probably bedazzled the staff as well”—Aldebaran
“oh he definitely bedazzled it”—christinegrrrl
“ ‘bedazzled staff’ definitely sounds like something hmm”—onthevirg
Number of audience cell phone rings at insanely crucial moments: 1
Attempting to bring Logic to PONR:
“I know it’s a plot device, but who has a hood that big, really?”—haunted-hideaway
“THIS IS THE EXACT SAME MAN. MUCH STEALTH. SUPER INCOGNITO”—madamefaust
“Yeah, I don’t know guys…I don’t think that’s Piangi…?” —Flora-Gray
“yeah swedish italian accent is a giveaway”–Aldebaran
Education of the Innocent:
“ok, I don’t know The Lore, why do we call her Barbara”—butdreamsofbeauty
“Haunted named her in a stream. She said: ‘Her name is Barbara and she had hopes and dreams once.’ I said I would never forget it and I have not.”–Aldebaran
“time to flat pack the FÅNTØM”—missbuster
“So you’re saying Stolle should just squash the Phantom” —GlassPrism
“he comes apart for easy handling”—missbuster
“Get the Allen wrench”—madamefaust
Reactions to the Phantom after Christine’s final exit: 37 comments in 59 seconds
Sad comment is sad: We don’t even need the allen wrench, he came apart on his own. – madamefaust
Things I wish I had said:
“Moist Raoulette”—haunted-hideaway
“no Tol Raol Pol?”—missbuster, at not seeing Raoul boating away post Final Lair
“No Stolle Tolle Rolle Polle?”—missbuster, with continued disappointment
You know. If you had told 14 year old me that in the future I could watch Phantom EVERY WEEKEND I would have died on the spot—missbuster
Statistician Aldebaran’s two no three favorite personal quotes:
re: Jöback “He crawls with an accent”
“Raoul conveniently wore a ladder jacket to make it easier for Christine to climb”
“Erik is just in a perpetual state of PONR”
Thank you as always for the submission, kind statistician Aldebaran!
