The found notes
We swim in the sea or in the pool everyday. My muscles are aching as they’re not used to swimming. Pain is not pleasant. But I like it. It means I’m alive.
I love Sam. I don’t know when that happened but I love him.
Dear Sam, I’m probably dying by now. I am really sorry that our marriage looks like this. I love you. I can’t say how grateful I am for all your care. I’m really sorry and I love you.
I saw sea for the first time since I got sick. Sea is beautiful. That’s probably my favourite place to be with Sam. Sam helped me with getting there. The sand is nice under my feet. I wanted to feel the salt water as well but Sam said it’s too cold for me so I stayed on the beach. Sam brought me sea shells he found in the water. He found some amber too. The wind was strong today. But I could still see the seagulls high in the sky. The world is so much more beautiful when you’re dying.
I like sleeping. I can do it without getting tired and I can’t see how tired Sam is. Sam doesn’t sleep much because he is looking after me when I’m sleeping and when I’m not. I love you for that Sammy. And it causes me so much pain when I see you like this. But it has to be like this, doesn’t it, Sammy?
Sometimes I wonder if my Father planned this and if He is watching all my struggles. If He did that means He’s just cruel but I guess He wants me to suffer like this for some reason. I know that a lot of people think like but I am not a normal person. And I wonder if He’s sad because of my suffering. I would like to see Him. I would like to hug Him and cry in his embrace. I am so afraid of dying, Dad. I am so afraid of leaving Sam alone. He will die without me.
I have so much less nightmares now. I’m just falling in to unconciousness and I sleep dreamlessly for hours. And when I do have a nightmare it’s not scary anymore. It’s something from history of humanity like wars but it’s not scary to me. And that’s good because nightmares were taking away my breath quite literally. But Sammy always checks if I’m fine.
Sometimes I think about my family. Okay, maybe not all of them but mostly about Michael. Is he on Earth? Is he as alone as I used to be? And what if he’s dying just like me now? I’d love to have someone from my family with me. I know that Sammy is my familly too but it’s different.
I’m getting weaker. I think I can’t write much more... This might be my last note. So Goodbye Sammy. I love you.