Liveblog: The Hills Behind Hollywood High by Avram Davidson and Grania Davis
Hollywood! That is the setting and the dream! Our protagonist Dorothy dreams of becoming a major star! But and alas, she has a slight and skimpy figure and is told by a recruiter that only full-figured girls can get into the moving pictures.
Dorothy runs off and cries and is discovered by Dr. Songhabhongbhing Van Leeuwenhoek who asks her why she's crying. She mournfully states that her figure is too thin and skimpy to which the doctor agrees. As a doctor, he offers to help. After a checkup, he gives her a glandular medicine diluted with celery tonic (apparently a real thing). After a while she feels funny but sneaks out of his office rather than going through another checkup.
When she wakes up the next day, she's turned into a gorilla. Oops. "It was certainly better than turning into a giant cockroach. But that was all she could think of in its favour." References!
Luckily her father is gone but a debt collector comes banging on the door and won't take no for an answer and has the most impolite suggestions so she eats him. She is quite alarmed and perplexed that this transformation happened to her. She figures that the glandular medicine had something to do with it but can't find the doctor's number in the phone book.
"Although, between weeping and listening to Jack Benny, the Whistler, and Stella Dallas on the radio, and watching Uncle Milton Berle and Kukla, Fran and Ollie cavort on their prized new television set, she grew hungry again - she realized that she had no appetite at all for the rest of Mr. Hubbard E. Glutt. Evidently she had partially devoured him out of mere rage and shock. Listlessly, Dorothy ate some lasagne instead."
Anyway, after a week she turns back to normal and learns a lesson about appreciating herself and how to dispose of a body. She tries to visit the doctor again but he is vanished and a Rent sign is up where his office was.
And then about a month later, she turns into a gorilla again but this time while on a stroll. Growing hungry she is caught digging through the trash by an extremely yiddish man named Alfy who mistakes her for someone in a gorilla suit. The best gorilla suit he has ever seen in fact and has her make some squeals and gorilla noises and concludes that she's a natural.
Alfy's wife overhears and reacts with anger at what she perceives is an affair (with someone in a gorilla suit?) and Dorothy is in no mood so she gorilla noises at her and chases her out of the place.
Caught out in public, she hides in a eucalyptus grove and meets a person in a gorilla suit who drunkenly rants about the good old days. She follows him to a movie set because she doesn't have anything else to do where he immediately passes out drunk. Alfy is the director there and recognizes Dorothy and hires her on to replace the drunk guy.
And thus, she makes her place in Film History! Alfy Smatz isn't pleased that she can only play gorillas a week out of the month so casts her as heroines and damsels in other movies three weeks out of the month (with padding to give her a more photogenic figure) but her role as "JEANNIE OF THE JUNGLE, THE WORLD'S MOST LOVEABLE LITTLE GORILLA" is what makes the money roll in.
And Dr. Songhabhongbhong Van Leeuwenhoek was never heard from again which the narrative states "serves him right" which yes, it does but whoa what happened to him, narrative?
Oh and apparently she was turning into a Sumatran mountain gorilla, whose favorite food is celery, and her transformations corresponded to the full moon in Sumatra. Sure.
Hollywood sure is crazy. Carbonated celery soda!