Author: http://gr-fire.tumblr.com
Recipient: http://double00mogar.tumblr.com
Summary: Daffodil means unrequited love.
Warnings: Mentions/thoughts of suicide but no action.
WordCount: 1438
Daffodil means unrequited love.
Well, it also means regard, rebirth and new beginnings. But Ryan was fixated on unrequited love.
How much irony could be bundled into one flower?
The flower he had just coughed up moments ago. The flower that had been growing in his lungs giving him difficulty breathing over the past few days.
How much meaning was behind that simple phrase; unrequited love.
Ryan threw the bloody flowers away without telling anyone.
He coughed up a white violet a few days after the first incident. Let’s take a chance on happiness.
Ryan sat down and did some research and discovered they called his “problem” the Hanahaki disease.
Ryan was not impressed.
Ryan didn’t know what hurt more. The flowers or watching his unrequited love laugh and smile around others. Of course the other was allowed to have friends and be happy and everything but it still set an ache deep in his bones.
Because why? Why wasn’t Ryan good enough for the other?
Ryan didn’t know and he decided he didn’t want to know.
“Dear god Ryan! What the fuck?!”
Jack finally found out the one day they walked in the bathroom while Ryan was coughing up forsythias. Anticipation.
“We need to get you to the hospital or something if you’re coughing up blood!” Jack exclaimed grabbing Ryan’s arm and trying to pull him towards the door.
“Jack! Stop, I’m fine!” Ryan said in a harsh whisper trying not to draw the attention of others. He was still clutching the bloody flowers in his hand.
“Fine?! You are coughing up gobs of blood!” Jack barked back at Ryan. Ryan finally got free and gave Jack a stern look to stop him in his tracks.
“Look Jack, it’s fine. It’s just a disease that I-“
“Just a disease?! Are you insane Ryan-“
“Look, it isn’t blood, they’re flowers!” Ryan was almost yelling at the end.
Jack stopped in their tracks and stared at Ryan incredulously. “Flowers?” Jack repeated.
Ryan nodded before going to the sink and washing the blood off of the flowers. “See, I’m just coughing up flowers, not blood like you thought.” Ryan tried to reason with Jack.
Of course Jack wasn’t convinced but decided to leave it be for the moment. After double checking that Ryan wasn’t coughing anymore and helping him clean up the bathroom Jack left.
Ryan was afraid Jack was going to tell the rest of the crew and inevitably tell the person that caused this problem in the first place.
Jack confronted him a couple of days after the incident and offered Ryan a shoulder to lean on should he need it. Ryan coughed up hydrangeas that day. Thank you for understanding.
It was during a heist when Geoff found out. It’s not like Ryan could hide it as blood dripped out of his mouth onto the ground as he held the flowers in the hand that wasn’t holding his mask upward so he could cough up the oleanders. Caution.
Geoff did his own research and didn’t question Ryan anymore if he abruptly left the room.
For the first time in a while, Ryan cried. He cried as he choked on the flowers that were trying to leave his lungs.
He was able to finally cough up the red carnations. My heart aches for you.
He wanted to so badly to give up. To just refuse to cough up the flower and suffocate on them.
He couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to the crew though. As soon as his use for the crew was up, he would give up.
Because what life was Ryan living where he coughed up flowers every couple of days which just reminded him of what a failure he was. And how the person he loved didn’t love him back.
Maybe Ryan was exaggerating and maybe he wouldn’t go that far. But in that moment of weakness, Ryan wished for it all to be over.
‘Or even maybe just become purely the Vagabond and never let emotions come in again.’ That was the thought that was whispered maliciously in his head. ‘Just let go of everything, especially them and just become the Vagabond, a mindless killing machine.’
Ryan repeated the thought of just wanting it to be all over in his mind. But he didn’t want it to end that way where it’ll end in bloodshed and grief. He would turn into a monster that not even the crew would be safe from.
No. Ryan would continue on if only to keep his own personal demons away from destroying what he held near and dear.
The Lads originally thought that Ryan had an eating disorder. But the lack of weight loss begged to differ.
Gavin thought that Ryan had a secret second crew but couldn’t prove it.
Michael didn’t give a single fuck what Ryan was doing but Gavin kept bugging him about it so he watched for Ryan as well.
Jeremy thought Ryan was sick with something but also couldn’t prove anything.
The Gents refused to talk about it though so it just raised the Lads’ curiosity.
“Ryan?” Ryan looked up as his name was called.
“Yeah?” He replied back, pushing away from the balcony railing to look at the other person.
“What is the name of the disease you have?” Was finally asked after a moment of comfortable silence, just enjoying each-others’ presence.
“Who said I had a disease?” Ryan countered back defiantly
“You keep running off and have been looking sickly” Was reasoned back
“Doesn’t mean I have a disease” Ryan tried again but much weaker this time
“Doesn’t mean you don’t. So what is it?”
There was silence for a minute.
“Hanahaki” Ryan finally said in a dead voice, because this meant the other knew now.
“Hana-what?”
“Hanahaki. That’s the name.” Ryan stated before walking away.
Ryan leaned against the railings of the balcony again.
How easy was it just to end his life right now? To just climb over the railing and jump to his death. The other person would finally know and understand and it just would be so easy.
Ryan caught himself leaning even more forward.
No, Ryan wouldn’t succumb to that weakness of his. He would be strong, if only for the crew.
The crew that gave him so much and didn’t ask much from him. Sure they asked for him to be the person he was during a heist but any other time he was allowed to be himself without worrying about the consequences. This was his family, his home.
“I looked it up.” Was the statement that made him almost choke on his breath in surprise.
Ryan was inside this time in the garage. He was contemplating taking a bike to hide from the person that currently surprised him. So much for that plan.
“I figured you would” Ryan finally stated after a few moments of catching his breath.
“Had a tough time spelling it though,” Was joked to try to lighten the mood before, “So who is the lucky person?”
“No one you need to know” Ryan was determined this time not to bend to the other’s will
“Don’t be like that.”
“I’m serious, drop it. You don’t need to know” Ryan responded back almost harshly
“Well how can I help you if you don’t tell me.” Was reasoned back at him
“I don’t need your help.” Ryan tried again to be defiant but he was just so tired..
“Your disease says otherwise.” Snarked the other person
“Just drop it” Ryan tried one last time
“No. Tell me Ryan” But the other person was so insistent
“Fine! You want to know so badly?! It’s you” Ryan finally exploded, “It’s always been you, ever since you first officially joined the crew after the trial run”
There was silence
“Me?” Was tentatively asked at last
“Yes you…” Ryan almost whispered, because it just hurt in that moment to admit it when he knew he was going to be rejected.
“Well…we can give it a shot.”
“I know you’re probably disgust-wait what?” Ryan stopped dead in his tracks but was afraid to hope
“Yeah, I mean we can try. I never gave it thought but it wouldn’t hurt to try.” Was finally confessed after a beat of silence
“What if it ends badly, this could affect the crew.” Ryan still didn’t dare to hope yet
“I don’t think it will. Plus we’re adults, we’ll figure it out. So how about it? One date?” Jeremy asked Ryan, turning towards him with a big smile.
Silence
“Sure, one date” Ryan felt something besides the flowers blossom in his chest.