While looking for a pirate's outfit for the theme day at school my youngest went through my wardrobe, insisting that I have plenty of pirate's clothes. After not succeeding, he took some time to think and then said: 'I guess you only look like someone who has plenty of pirate's clothes in their wardrobe.' Such a thoughtful compliment, sweetheart...
'He sees way deeper into your image than you even make of it,' the Conductor commented. 'It's the same thing as when I see you driving a red Mustang.' Such a thoughtful comment, dude...
My partner just laughed at it all. He was way more worried about the meltdown we both (kiddo and I) had over pirate's outfit that morning and about that our son had missed most part of the school that day. Someone has to worry about that too, not only fucking pirates.
It's a rare sight of our happy family in the wild (at the rogaine).
We went to Tallinn after Christmas. There was no snow, and no colorful caps on Viru gates, but we stayed for the night in a posh hotel with a waterpark, spent about 5 hours in the pools and saunas. In fact, it's the same Olympic-size pool I'd had a race in October, but it's equipped with all kinds of aquatic entertainment. While my youngest explored the slides, I've done two swim sessions, one in the evening and one in the morning, then indulged in all the bubble baths and saunas, and enjoyed every second of this stay.
Now there's snow on the ground, which means one thing... Cross-country skiing!
And about all kinds of serious stuff, kids and relationships, under cut.
Both my kids are in a very unpleasant age.
Bay has finally gotten into therapy, and rn she is in a very cynical phase, denying everything good her family, including me, has ever done for her (still in a very gentle way though, it's so much her). I know therapy is not an easy thing, and she has got a lot to go through to gain some maturity, mental stability and independence. I know that for a while she'll be hurting me, but I guess that's how it's gotta be. First you unintentionally hurt your kids to raise them, then they unintentionally hurt you to heal from the upbringing. For now, I'm happy she's doing better, and I'm willing to give her what she needs even if it's just me letting go that she needs. And my partner does all he can to support me when I need to vent. He's finally learned to unconditionally take my side.
My youngest is 10. It's like being 18, but mild. Grown-ups are apparently old and stupid when they're lecturing you, boundaries need to be established every day with him, and, of course, he's in the phase where he doesn't see the point in going to school and he hates everything about it. Oh well, most 10 yrs old boys are exactly there, aren't they? He still barely speaks a word in Latvian, and the entire programme is in it, but I think we'll get on with it eventually. But! He speaks English now! He randomly runs up to me and says 'Can I have a waffle please?' in English, just like that. Overall even his grades were not that bad this year, and, despite all my worries, we've got very few complaints from school. I've told him, whatever you think of school, I need you to keep your grasp on math and English, it's all I ask of you. Reading, I'm still reading with him and to him, so he has this good feeling related to reading a book. Eventually he'll start doing it, I'm sure. He reads well, it's just that he prefers to build minecraft all day long.
He swims, I saw it with my own eyes. He's more of a diver though. In Italy all he did was submerging head down and swimming back and forth face down with his goggles on. More so, he fished out a very good pair of goggles from the bottom of the river, and then wore them in Liguria until the Med took them away and buried in a mysterious dump on its bottom where it buries all the stuff stolen from humans. And now he's got a grasp of using fins. Anyway, I am very far from the inclination of making a competitive swimmer out of him, I only need him to have a good skill. And, apparently, we'll need a more serious approach towards learning Latvian (sigh).
Work and everything else is good, I'm in full balance: when I get tired and irked, it's enough to get some sleep to restore; when I'm sad, it's enough to find a way to take my mind off the sad matter; when my body dysmorphia hits me mentally, it's enough with cleaner eating and a good swim; when I'm angry, it's enough to talk it through, and I have someone to do it with. I feel loved and fulfilled, and I only sometimes worry that I don't give enough back, but I guess it never goes away, does it?
I've just stopped trying to predict how my unexpectedly mutual crush is going to unfold and am shamelessly basking in their both affection. It's not that the affection just happened after all, I sure as fuck have deserved it.
To everyone judging me and being concerned for my partner, don't bother. He's not helpless or clueless. He's an intelligent, capable, fully-abled man in his 40s, married to me for almost 20 yrs. Lots of shit went down the drain in these years, including my consent to compromise who I was to pursue his envision of how the marriage itself (or our marriage) should be, and my eventual burnout due to overworking myself, all while he was right there, a whistle away, and did not see it, and also many more smaller things. It's not a resentment talking, I don't have any. He's a great guy, and I've got tons of love, respect and admiration for him, but he's very very far from being a martyr in our relationship. And I don't need to be a martyr either.
Besides, honestly, our marriage only benefits from the Conductor's presence. My partner is trying his best with me, and I get to compare a little, and honestly, right now my partner is winning (as he always does) by being willing and able to keep up with me. Believe it or not, he quite likes it when his spouse raises interest in other men, it's not the first time around. He's well-informed of who his partner is exactly, of how her mind works, and of the status-quo. He is also free to make his choices, and I'm absolutely going to respect every single one of them. But he, time and again, has decided to try and win me back, which already is a good sign, but the desire or the attempt itself is not enough, I need the fulfillment.
I have no idea whether the Conductor is even remotely able to grasp a handful I am, but that's not even in question now, he's also got life, shit to solve and a partner out there. But I can see he doesn't get plethora of abstract discussions in his life (is his partner an S-type like mine lol?), and he enjoys the hell out of our chats, admires me, tries to impress me, listens to me and gives good advise. I don't care where it goes, I don't have any sexual interest in him (then again, I don't have it for anyone), a typical case of alterous attraction. And I'm enjoying this phase of being adored - unintentionally by one man and intentionally by another one - without any reciprocal demands. And I'm not carrying the emotional luggage of the two grown men. It's enough with my own and my two kids'. So there.
Happy New Year everyone, I hope it treats you well and your boson particles form the right shape for everything you desire to achieve! :)
It's not a filter, it's my youngest obsessed with led lights. So, aquarium bedtime vibe. Them, Durrell family and the nature of Corfu Island every evening.
A while ago I'd put a tag #absolutely need this t-shirt to this post.
And then...
My face on the second photo is when I saw my son who returned from his birthday shopping with his comrade where he said he was gonna buy some clothes. And he did.
I've laid out a solitaire asking for immediate resolutions. Get everything solved until the end of April! I like asking cards about the things that are pestering me on daily basis but are not important enough to worry me if the answer comes out as negative. So, 8 decks, 8 questions:
1. better weather. Totally solved. It's still cold, but spring is here, in fact, irrespective of the cards' answer.
2. my son's ears to be back to normal. It was going on for more than a month. The second set of meds helped, sinusitis is gone and his hearing is fine now.
3. my son's impetigo. Another plague that has got us. I still have a couple of small ulcers healing, but he is out of the woods.
4. my son's school. Not resolved completely, but we have a decision for the rest of this school year: it's homeschooling and a full no to Waldorf's school. We went there for 3 days, and, though the school was good enough for me to try, his teacher turned out absolutely horrible and apparently close to a nervous breakdown on daily basis, since she tried to solve autistic stimming and autistic questioning with techniques such as intimidation, public shaming and nearly physical interference (she took him by his shoulders and shook him for asking why one too many times!) Is this a 3rd grade teacher? I get for my own money? No, thank you. We'll see another school later but for now it's absolutely resolved.
5. tattoo. Find some money and take up courage finally. Stop putting it off and just do it, you won't regret. And I did. It was longer and more painful than I expected and than my first two tattoos were, but I don't regret it. I like it a lot. We'll do a bit of retouch in May, add some detail, and then I'll show it.
6. Bay's school. She's in online highschool, and we constantly need to come up with solutions for the classes she's not good at. Her mental health is not good enough to study steadily, so it needs a bit of my control and encouraging and some phone calls to the administration. But she's at a good place rn, and is almost done with school too. For now, that's all I want for her.
7. The Tall guy dashing past my window. Well, I have no idea what sort of resolution I wanted, but if it made me so frustrated, then I might have needed some I guess. Maybe dash through my door? But no, I haven't seen him ever since. Is it enough of a resolution? It is for now. I'm back with The Conductor then lol. He's at least always here.
8. Vivi and the collar. Was a bit unfair bc if 6 decks solve, then all decks will solve. So they did but in reality all I can say is we are back to working on it, so.
I've also had big bad events at work, but you see how work is never a question of solitaire for me. With work you just keep doing your thing and eventually you get over hard times, or at least that's how it works at the moment.
Lilac luck season is coming soon, and I have some things on my mind.
Ok, here's a bit funnier story about how Bay gave a scare to my crush :D
'Oooh, he's hot,' she summed up after their first encounter. 'But boring. I disapprove.'
'Cut the guy some slack!' I was absolutely outraged. 'But in fact, I agree, he hasn't performed his best. Robert did way better.' (yes, it's about you, Rob, if you're reading this lol)
'Yes, Robert was fine.'
'But The Conductor only had about 20-30 minutes to shine, and I've made him tell us (a not very interesting) story, the first part of which she'd missed. Whereas Robert had several hours. But, then again, he spent his first 30 minutes being dragged behind us through London trying to keep up with our race pace!'
As for this poor guy, he only wanted a coffee, not even aware that I was in the cafe, and that I wasn't alone. I was making Halloween decors and catching up with my dear child.
'Oh hi,' I said non-chalantly as he'd noticed us. 'This is my daughter.'
And she stepped out into the spot light, in all her 18-yrs-old-mercilessly-rebellious glory.
'The Conductor, I guess?' she squinted at him.
'Did you have to?' I asked her later.
'Yes,' she said. 'I wanted him to know that I know. That, of us two (him and her), it's me who has a say.'
She's right. Absolutely. This kind of intimidation is absolutely in order. But there he was, in the face of the united front of two brilliant, beautiful and bold women, completely in tune, finishing each other's sentences while switching easily between three languages; a symbiosis forged by blood ties, rapport and unconditional love. C'mon, he's done a good job being able to even keep his face and maintain a conversation before this jury.
It's not like it changes the score guys. It's not that I'm giving evaluation or something. It's not like I'm turning anyone down just bc my teen thought that a middle-aged man wasn't entertaining enough. But it's still a good laugh, and if a 50-ish guy was able sacrifice a bit of his pride as a joke to give a very much needed boost to a young woman's confidence, then he did fine, I think.
