22/3/21 Monday Night
You once told me a while ago that froth in a cup of coffee is nice. You told me to look at how a coffee is made and what I like about it. I knew you were only trying to take my mind off the mess in my head. But back then I couldn’t do it. Everything was an end for me. I could not see anything good in the bad. Now I'm sitting in a cafe looking at this cup of coffee in my hands. Enjoying the warmth and the taste. The warmth is my favourite part, and I don't mind it strong. I'm glad I met you because your words were true. Even when life feels dull and hard. There's still good in the bad. I can finally put this into patience. Back then I was so lost in my pain that I didn’t care what happen to me. Eventually down the track I remembered my value and couldn’t stay where I was. I guess, you could call my first book a recovery stage. Here I am thinking about my 2nd. Here I am still a bit lost but not completely. You were right though. When you said I was really lost. No one else understood it but you knew. I didn’t know heartache could make a person feel that way. But I am a lot better than how I use to be. I wrote letters to myself back then, hoping they would help. Reading them now sounds so cool to hear my positive self-reply. It’s hard to believe this was 2 years ago. But it crossed my mind today and I thought I’d share.
I love how you referred us to a metaphor. It was the cleverest one I had heard but I had already picked myself up and decided to move on. You told me you needed to hack at something and described me as a beautiful rose garden and if you hacked this rose garden it would die. But at the time I was already dying. Even though you hadn’t hacked the rose garden. I was still going to die if I remained there. If someone won’t change and it affects your mental health. You cannot stay for much longer. Even if I was a rose bush and had a white picket fence around me. I wouldn’t have been able to stay that way forever. You were a vine that would someday tangle and strangle me. I was grateful for your honesty and that I am thankful for. I’m so glad you told me about that metaphor because it was the last strand for us. I think I realised that I wanted to grow and chose life. But I must admit learning to grow wasn’t easy.
After this I met another metaphor that paused my growing. I was too afraid to grow. But now life is better. Not always easy but I feel stronger. Still have more growing to do, like all of us do. :) - M
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