bf!jackson!grumpy!joel, fem!jackson!cheerful!reader, tlou spoilers, jackson, grump x sunshine trope, strangers and/or one sided enemies to lovers, angst if you squint, fluff, maria, tommy, ellie, sarah, a/n—sorry I kinda got carried away with this one, I love this man
bf!joel. bf!joel who doesn't talk to anyone but maria, tommy, and ellie when he first arrives in jackson—sharp glares and rough exterior scaring everyone else off. you who can't help but try and talk to him, ignoring every huge red flag waving boldly in front of your eyes. "h—" "don't wanna talk." "I brought cookies," you continued anyway with a smile. bf!joel who pretends to hate you when he's forced on patrol with you and his brother, trying to avoid you as much as possible. he sighed as you hovered over his shoulder, eyes glued to the sights on his rifle as he aimed at an elk. "that's a big one, huh?" "yeah just, stay out of the way, okay? don't wanna be responsible for you." bf!joel who slowly but surely starts to warm up to you, offering small "hi"'s in public and chuckling at your antics. bf!joel who reluctantly finds himself falling for the way you still manage to enjoy everything so warmly in such a cold world, how you're happy but not naive, vulnerable in ways he thought didn't exist anymore. bf!joel who eventually opens up to you after long, painstaking months of prying him open. "I had a daughter," he started, taking a sip of his coffee as he sat on the same chair he always did on the porch. you stayed quiet as you waited for him to go on, eyes open and ears listening intently. "not ellie, but uh, sarah. her mom left me 'fore everythin' went to hell, and then I lost my little girl the first night o' the outbreak." "I'm so sorry," you said after a moment, careful not to interrupt him. "I know how hard losing someone is, too." "oh yeah? but you're always so... happy," he stated, observing you in all your glory. your hair was a little messy from the cold, gentle breeze, and you were looking out at the street. "I'm not, I just like to act that way so that," you swallowed, "maybe things will change, maybe they'll start being worth being happy about." you turned to face him and realized he was a lot closer than you'd expected, warm breath fanning over your face. "this okay?" he murmured against your lips, eyes already half closed. "perfect," you said. before you even finished he crashed into your mouth. bf!joel who doesn't kiss rough, but firm—steady and close like if he softens up you'll run off. "I'm not good at this," he said as he pulled away for air and looked into your eyes, "but I'd like to be." bf!joel who has no need for all his stolen missing parts anymore because you fill all the cracks in his heart.
summary: we finally get to know a bit more about your past, and another thursday with Joel!! Though you and him just can’t get along, even when you try really hard.
a/n: there'll be more interactions with joel soon guyz, right now they just really despise eachother <3. also, thanks for all the likes!! this chapter took a bit longer cause i'm super duper busy rn but honestly i'm just motivated to get them together. no rushing it though i love a good slow burn xoxo lmk what u thought i loveee getting comments 🩷
happy reading!! <3
It’s been 2 days since the repair job. It had upset you a lot more than you anticipated. That day had triggered the anxiety you thought you had stuffed so far down it would never dare come up again. And that was weird, you were tough. You’ve been tough. So what? A man got killed in front of you? You’d seen it many times before, you’ve been the one holding the gun so many times.
But the way you were dismissed, the way your presence meant nothing to him. How helpless you felt, your emotions had gone back in time. A time you had tried so hard to forget. The way Joel looked so unbothered by it all, he had looked more bothered about you yelling than the actual murder. It made you feel sick. It made you think of Dane.
10 years ago.
You weren’t supposed to be friends, not really. At first, you weren’t even sure you liked Lois. She was loud, brash, and a little too quick to joke in moments where you thought it wasn’t appropriate. But in a world like this, what else were you supposed to do? Sit in silence and wait to die?
It started like this: the first time you met her, it was over a stolen bag of chips. You were hiding out in a small, abandoned building, just trying to keep your head down. You had a decent stash of food, and you were about to enjoy your first real meal in days when you heard movement behind you. Your hand quickly went to your knife, but before you could even make a move, you saw her—Lois—grinning like she’d just hit the jackpot.
A girl your age, long brown hair put in a braid and thick straight eyebrows moving with every word she spoke. The same way your brows always speak before your mouth does.
"Those for me?" she’d asked, eyes twinkling, like she hadn’t just come out of the shadows like a damn ghost.
"Yeah, right," you muttered, not trusting her one bit. "Find your own."
But she was persistent, and after a few back-and-forths, you found yourself sharing what little you had. Lois didn’t have any food to offer, but she did have something else: stories and jokes.
She talked about her life before all of this—what it was like to have a family, a home, a normal life. It was strange to hear someone speak about it so casually, as if the world hadn’t completely changed. For a moment, it felt like the world was just… normal again.
"You know," Lois said, chewing slowly as she looked out the window, "I used to hate rain. Could never get my hair right."
You snorted, a little caught off guard. "Sounds rough."
She laughed, leaning back against the wall. "Yeah, you’re right. Now? I’d give anything for a real storm. Some kind of normal weather. Anything that doesn’t feel like it’s out of a nightmare."
The conversation drifted naturally after that, with you both talking about small things. Things that, at the time, felt impossible to care about, but talking about them somehow made the world feel just a little more bearable. You didn’t become best friends that day. Hell, you didn’t even like her that much. But she wasn’t the worst person to share a tiny room with.
The next few days passed in much the same way. The two of you stuck together by necessity—safety in numbers and all that. Lois was always the first to crack a joke when things got tense, always the first to break the silence with something silly. Even if it was just the smallest thing, she had a way of making you forget how miserable everything else was. She brought out the social butterfly in you.
One morning, as you huddled together near a fire, she offered you some of her dried fruit. "This is better than nothing," she said, tossing a piece toward you with a little smirk.
"Better than a bag of chips," you replied dryly, smiling despite yourself.
"Hey, don’t knock it. It’s survival food. It’s what’s keeping us alive." She leaned back, her eyes scanning the horizon. "We got this."
And maybe you did. You didn’t know how you’d survive this world, but you knew you couldn’t do it alone.
Over time, you began to learn the little things about her. How she would always tap her foot when she was thinking, or how she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear when she was nervous. A habit you had started doing too. The way she fidgeted with her necklace when she was nervous. The way she would keep you on your toes with her sudden, random bursts of energy or the way she could make even the worst situations feel manageable with a laugh.
You’d never admit it out loud, but it became clear to you: You depended on Lois. In a world where it felt like you could lose everything in an instant, Lois was a constant. Someone who made the emptiness of everything else feel just a little less overwhelming. She became your reminder that maybe, just maybe, you weren’t alone in all of this.
And even if you didn’t say it, the bond was there, growing deeper each day. You shared a glance, a small nod of acknowledgment, and in those moments, you knew—no matter what happened, you could make it through as long as you had her by your side.
One day, you were surrounded by infected. There was no way to get out of it alive unless you had help, and it was as if your prayers had been answered. Before you know it, the infected are getting shot down, beheaded, stabbed, name it and they did it.
This group, led by a man named Dane, had come to your rescue. He was a tall, broad man, dark hair cut short. You two owed him your life. He led a group of around 15 people. He seemed like a good man, promising to keep the two of you safe. You and Lois both knew you were capable of keeping yourself alive but it was nice to have a community. It was nice. Until it wasn’t.
It started off well, Dane welcomed you two like you were going to be part of the family. They actually had a base, a protected fort if you will.
“Our help’s gonna cost ya though,” Dane said, leading you both past the rusted gates. The metal groaned as it shut behind you, sealing you in.
Lois didn’t hesitate. “Of course! We’d be more than happy to help you guys out. After all, you saved our lives.” After a moment of waiting for you to say anything, she nudged your side, expecting you to back her up. You nodded stiffly, but something about the way Dane was watching you made your stomach knot.
“Don’t worry, we don’t bite.” His grin –flashing a silver tooth--was meant to be friendly, to ease your discomfort.
It didn’t.
Lois had taken your hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. Her way of saying you’re okay.
It was somewhat normal the first week. You’d been given chores like cleaning the dining room, washing clothes and cooking. When you first started preparing plates, Dane’s right hand Silas told you to watch the portion control. Dane and a select few eat better meals than everyone else. The rest get scraps. When you point it out, they joke, “Rank has its privileges.”
Lois had thought it was a bit weird but she brushed it off quickly. She adjusted fast, you couldn’t blame her. You’ve endured so much fear, you know what she’s lost and what you two had been through. Of course she’d jump at the option to be protected. You still thought you two were more than capable of protecting yourself. And you certainly didn’t need Dane to be the one to protect you.
Every night you’d have trouble sleeping but you kept telling yourself, you’re just paranoid. You’ve been with just Lois for so long, these aren’t bad people.
Dane was superior, to the rest of the group. No one ate before he did, no one dared to sit in the chair he sat at, Dane had the final say in everything. Everything you owed, they owed. Someone liked your jacket? It was theirs.
“I get that it’s scary being with all these strangers, but I’d never want to put you in any harm. I truly believe this is a good place. Yeah their rules are a little weird, but we have weird rules too. Like our rule that we can never refuse a snack one of us offers? Even if we’re not hungry? Isn’t that silly too?” Lois had replied softly when you finally built up the courage to talk to her about it.
You dropped it and didn’t speak up about your discomfort anymore. It was obvious, Lois wanted to stay here. Who were you to drag her away from all this? And so far, they had actually been good to the two of you. Nothing crazy but you got shelter and food.
As you tried to adjust after being here for 4 months, you managed to actually make another friend here. His name was Jonnie. He was about 5’5, a bit younger than you and had the cutest snort when he laughed. His curly blonde hair always falling before his blue eyes. The thing you loved about him the most was how he still had that pre-apocalypse softness many people had lost. Including yourself. He brought that out in you. He had this innocence to him, like even in this world, he wouldn’t harm a butterfly.
You and him were on cleaning duty, every night after dinner you’d clean up the dining room together.
“You’ll never believe what I have.” He said, his hands behind his back.
You try to peek but he turns away each time. “What is it? Tell me Jonnie!” You chuckle.
He quickly brings his arms forward, revealing a little cassette player.
Your eyes widen and jaw drops.
“Your mouth’s open.” He snorts.
“No freaking way!!” You grab it from his hands, observing it closely. It was old, had a lot of wear and tear. You always said how much you missed music and now Jonnie had managed to get a cassette player? He was truly an angel.
“I’ve never actually seen these things before the world ended.” You chuckle. “Wait but, do you even have any cassettes? Else this thing is pretty useless..” You look up at Jonnie, who’s already holding in a big wide grin.
He reveals a cassette. “Of course I do. I don’t do half-ass surprises.” He takes the cassette player from your hand and pops it in. “Warning though, it only plays one song.”
“It better be amazing then.” You wait for the music to start playing.
The tune starts playing, you immediately recognizing it. You eye Jonnie as he eyes you, both pairs of eyes twinkling.
“We’re talking away. I don’t know what I’m to say..” The grainy sound of the cassette filling the empty room.
You burst out into laughter as you grab Jonnie’s arms and start dancing. More like just jumping around, but it’s still considered dancing in your book.
“Take on meeeee” “Take on me!”
You’re carelessly spinning around, arms wide, cheekbones aching. Jonnie’s clapping along, completely off-beat but grinning so widely it doesn’t even matter.
Your dance party is cut short when you hear the door opening though. Jonnie quickly turns off the music. It was Silas.
“Evening.” He says, his finger tracing a table as he checks it for dust. By some miracle he hadn’t heard the music.
You and Jonnie are stood next to each other, hands behind your back, as if you’re some soldier.
“Don’t mind me, I’m just here for a late night craving.” He brushed past the two of you, grabbed some food and disappeared again.
You two both let out a breathe of relief.
“Thank the gods, I don’t know what would’ve happened if he caught us like that.” Jonnie says softly, obviously a bit shaken. “He creeps me out.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
The following clean ups were the one thing you looked forward to every day. You’d start the evening off with a dance party and would have the song on repeat the entire night.
Jonnie and you spent a lot of time together. You’d seek each other out at dinner and of course clean together. You didn’t expect to find one best friend during an apocalypse, let alone two.
One evening, you and Lois are sat with Dane and his select few around the campfire.
“I think it’s time we celebrate our newcomers. You two have been here for 6 months. Really proven that you’re of use.” Dane said, a beer in his hand. You noticed that when he grinned, you could see a broken yellowed tooth. Yuck.
Lois nodded happily.
“You’re a tough nut to crack though.” Dane’s eyes met yours. You felt shivers down your spine.
“Do you like it here?” He took another sip.
You were quiet for a moment before speaking. “I do.” You lied.
“Are you dedicated to us? To me?” His gaze darkened and his voice was deeper.
You were taken aback a bit, why is he asking this crap? You furrowed your brows a bit. Lois could read you like a book, she could tell you thought Dane was a total idiot.
“She is. We are.” Lois chimed in, smiling as she interlocked her arm with yours.
He huffed out a dry chuckle, his eyes showing no sign of amusement. “Show me.”
“What?” She asked, as if she didn’t hear right the first time.
“I want her to show me.” Dane said, looking firmly at you and not Lois.
You felt your stomach drop, what the fuck does he mean?
Before you could even think about what it meant, Silas arrived, dragging a guy with him. He threw the guy on the ground in front of you. His hands and ankles tied, head facing the floor but you could recognize those curls anywhere.
Jonnie.
Your eyes widen as you feel your stomach drop. For a moment, the world was in slow motion. Dane’s laugh sounded slowed down as Silas kicks Jonnie, flipping him over as Jonnie squeals in anguish.
Lois is frozen, as are you.
Your eyes scan Jonnie’s battered body. He’s been beaten to hell. His clothes are soaked in blood, his face nearly unrecognizable. His left eye is swollen shut, his entire right side bruised. Blood stains his blonde eyebrows and drips from a split lip.
You tried to get any words out, to stand up for Jonnie. But you freeze when Jonnie’s eyes met yours and a tear rolled over his cheek. That moment of eye contact told you everything, he was terrified.
Dane suddenly pushes a gun in your hand. You look up at Dane, who sits back down. He’s.. He’s actually grinning.
“Kill him.” Dane nudges his head towards Jonnie.
“W-What?” You stammered, a tear rolling over your cheek that you quickly wiped away.
A moment of silence is broken when Dane throws a cassette player in front of you. Jonnie and yours cassette player.
“He doesn’t respect our rules. We share here. Yet, this boy thinks it’s acceptable to keep things to himself. You know our rules right?”
You shakily nod.
“Say it.” Dane folds his arms as he manspreads.
“E-everything you own, we own. We- we share everything.” You quietly said, breathing heavily.
“Speak. Up.” He snapped back, his voice raising. It shook you.
“Everything you own, we-“ You choke up. “-own.” You stammered through the tears you could no longer hold back.
“Good. You know the rules. Calm down, let’s make this atmosphere a little less hostile.” Dane snorts as he leans forward to grab the cassette player. He presses play.
The sound of the song startles you. The song that you and Jonnie used to love and dance to every night, was now being played at Jonnie’s possible last moment.
“Takeee onnn meeee.” Silas murmurs with a wide smile.
Lois furrowed her brows as she was no longer holding onto you. You glanced at her, almost afraid to meet her eyes. She had tears welling up but she attempted to blink them away.
“Good. He didn’t respect that rule. Frankly, I don’t know if he’s ever really been of use here. Don’t even know the boy’s name.” Dane chuckles, his eyes showing nothing but evil. “Now, kill him. I won’t tell you again.”
You tremble as you look down at Jonnie, he’s crying too. You had never felt so weak before, afraid your knees might buckle any moment. You stood up before Jonnie, weakly lifting the gun to him but you immediately lower it. You can’t do this. Jonnie’s your friend. Jonnie’s innocent, he got that cassette player for you. You should be paying for this. And as his eyes meet yours yet again, you feel like you might throw up. He’s pleading. Jonnie’s pleading for his life with that look in his eyes.
“I- please Dane-“ You beg, you plead but Dane shows no sign of you getting out of this.
Suddenly the gun gets taken out of your hand, Lois takes it. You look at her, her eyes don’t show sadness and fear like yours are. Her eyes show determination. Like she’s turned off her personality. She raises the gun to Jonnie’s head.
“Lois!” You yelp, your voice cracking.
But she ignores you and pulls the trigger, blood splattering on your face as your tears try and clear your vision. The only thing visible is the light from the fire reflecting off of Lois’s gold locket hanging around her neck.
After that, there’s a moment of silence. Silence filled with that stupid song still playing.
--
You blink, snapping out of that horrible memory, it’s like you could feel the blood splattering on you again. Your stomach turns. Now you’re sat on your couch, zoned out staring at Joel’s gloves you’d forgotten to return after you stormed off. Even the painted wall felt stupid and the fact that Joel was the one who helped you complete it. Get your act together, you thought. You’re over Dane. Dane isn’t Joel. Joel isn’t Dane. It’s completely different.
And the thing is, you knew it was. You knew it was different. You knew Joel had meant you no harm, not the way Dane had always meant harm. Not the way Dane had harmed Lois- So you convince yourself to at least get dinner at the dining hall today. The dry bread and cans of vegetables weren’t cutting it anymore.
You step outside of your apartment, the cold air breezing through your hair. The feel instantly bringing you shivers. It’s a bit of a walk from your apartment to the dining hall and you happened to run into Selene. Selene was your neighbor, one that had chosen to befriend you in the first two months that you arrived. You’d been cooped up in your place for the first two months but as soon as you were out and about, she came running. She was a tall woman, taller than you were. Her curly auburn hair always put into a bun with pieces sticking out. After those two months you guys talked often. You knew she had a boyfriend, Aaron. He was the opposite of her. She was very loud, very witty and social, while Aaron was quiet, nerdy and very to himself. It was honestly a cute match.
“Hey! Finally I caught you.” Selene said, pacing up her steps to match yours. “Are you headed to the dining hall?” She twirled her hair pieces.
“I am yeah. Haven’t been in a while.”
“Yeah, thought I hadn’t seen you out in a couple days! Everything okay? I get that the change can be tough, I had just the same thing. When my boyfriend and I just arrived here, we didn’t leave our place for two weeks..” She rubbed the back of her neck as she felt a pink tint creeping up, her realizing you didn’t leave your place for two months. “I guess it’s different for everyone.” She chuckled a bit awkwardly.
“I’m doing good, thanks for asking. I just felt like staying in. How are you and Aaron doing?” You smiled reassuringly.
“Oh we’re genuinely fantastic. Okay, don’t tell anyone-“ She leaned in closer to you. “I think we might be expecting..” She smiled widely.
You wanted to be happy for her but it was hard to hide the frown on your face. Who would get pregnant in a world like this? You want to bring more people into this scary world?
She noticed the look on your face and her smile immediately dropped. “I get it.. A baby, in a world like this. It’s crazy. We certainly didn’t plan on it, but I just can’t hide the excitement that I actually get to bring life in a world that takes so much of it.”
to bring life in a world that takes so much of it.
“That’s beautifully said, Selene. I am happy for the two of you, I hope your baby gets your curls.” You smiled, the conflicted feelings fading at the idea of Selene being a mother. You didn’t know her super well or anything, but you could tell she’d be a great mom.
“I sure hope so! Not Aaron’s bald patches.” She snorts and nudges your arm playfully.
You laugh, a genuine laugh.
When you two finally arrive at the dining hall, you were going to sit alone but she urged you to join Aaron and her. With a tray in your hands containing a bowl of stew, a piece of bread and a glass of tea, you sit down, your eyes scanning the room.
Your stomach drops for a second when you see Joel sit at one of the tables, further down. He’s sitting with a girl, looks to be about 14? Joel is a dad? And he’s laughing? Well, it’s a minimal laugh, a tiny chuckle. But you’d never seen it before.
“Isn’t that Tommy’s brother?” You suddenly hear Selene cutting through your thoughts as she leans closer to you. Your eyes snap back to Selene.
“What’s his name?”
“Joel.” You say before stuffing your mouth with bread, not wanting to talk about him any further. Selene doesn’t seem to get that hint though.
“Joel. He’s cute.” Aaron shoots her a look, raising his brows as she said that. “Oh come on, I’m having your baby,” She mouths the word baby. “I’m not leaving you.” She whispers, laughing. He gets a bit red as his eyes shoot to you, not sure whether you knew.
“Yeah I told her.. As soon as I saw her. I actually couldn’t hold myself back. She practically guessed it.” Selene quickly says even though you didn’t even have the faintest suspicion of her being pregnant. You grin.
“So you and Joel? I’ve seen him around, always brooding.” Selene continues, smirking.
You exhale sharply, already over this conversation. “Absolutely not.”
Selene shoots a look back at Aaron before returning to you. “Why not?”
“Damn, what did he do to you?” Aaron says, intrigued.
“Yeah, spill. There’s not nearly enough gossip in this place.” Selene picks at her curls again.
You shoot them both a look. “I’m all for a little gossip but honestly, this man is just an asshole. I do repair jobs with him and let me tell ya, they are not fun.”
“You have to elaborate!! Come on, we’re super duper curious.” Selene nudges you.
You chuckle a bit, Selene reminded you of Lois in some way, they were completely different yet so the same. The way Selene rambled was the way Lois would ramble too.
“It’s just that, he completely dismisses me. Thinks I’m some weak link that has no understanding of the world outside of these walls.” You start ranting.
“He acts like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Like I’m some clueless idiot who’s never set foot outside of a QZ or here. He doesn’t listen, doesn’t take me seriously. It’s like he’s already decided exactly who I am, and nothing I do or say changes that. I can tell him one thing, he does not have me figured out. And just—” You realize you’re rambling. “Sorry.”
“Oh please, don’t apologize. He sounds like a real jerk.” Selene says, Aaron nodding in agreement.
“Yeah, and I may have been a real jerk to him too. So we’re not on the best of terms.”
Your thoughts go back to the man he killed and the look in his eyes afterwards. Your eyes glance back to Joel across the room. Your stomach drops when you see he was already looking at you. You quickly turn back to the table.
“Oi, you know who I say leaving Julian’s apartment this morning?” Selene grins widely, teeth baring. She’s tapping her hand on the table to get your attention.
“Who?” You can’t hide the smile that’s building on your face as your brows knit together in curiosity.
“Nevermind.. You’ll actually just never believe me.” She fakes looking frustrated as she sighs dramatically before the grin reappears on her face.
“Tell me!” You poke her.
“Okay okay, if you want to know that badly.” She comically rolls her eyes before slapping both hands on the table and leaning forward. “Sasha.” Selene covers her mouth with her hand as she giggles.
Sasha was one of the people who frequently worked at the Workshop, she was always annoyed and honestly, a real bitch. You remember the first time you made your way to the Workshop and asked for a notebook. She had looked you up and down and just scoffed as she walked off. You waited for 5 minutes before realizing she wasn’t going to bring you one. She weirded you out to say the least.
Julian on the other hand, was such a nice guy. He was around 42, fully grey hair and always laughed so loudly it would make anyone else laugh too. So the two of them together, is definitely surprising.
“You’re kidding???” You reply.
“No! I’m not! Aaron, you saw it too right??” She looks at Aaron, who’s just about to take a spoonful of stew. He nods. “Yeah only cause you dragged me out of bed to see that.” He says before eating.
“I actually couldn’t believe my freaking eyes!! How can miss grump fit with mr sunshine?!”
“You have such a way with words, Selene. But I agree. It’s like a perfect book trope.” You grin.
After dinner, you tell Selene and Aaron you’re taking a little stroll. Before you got up you had glanced over to where Joel was sitting but he and the girl had already left. You bring your tray back to the counter and make your way outside.
The stroll is nice. The sound of people chatting, kids playing, the lights on inside the house making you only see shadows of people through the curtains, the smell of campfires burning. You couldn’t believe you were at such a peaceful place. That was, until you were hit with a snowball. Right in the face.
“Jesus-“ Your hands wipe the snow out of your face.
“Oh shit! I thought you were someone else!” A girls voice yells as you hear her coming closer.
You blink out the rest of the snow as your vision clears. It’s the girl Joel was sitting with. You smile at her, feeling a tad awkward after being attacked with snow.
“It’s okay.” You’re about to start walking again before she speaks up.
“You gotta admit, that was a pretty good shot.” She laughs. You smile back at her. “Yeah great shot, thanks.” You chuckle.
“I feel like I’ve seen you around.” Her eyes scan you.
“That’s possible.”
“You’ve done repairs with Joel, yeah?” She asked but it was more of a statement.
“Yeah—I do actually. You’ve seen me with him or Joel tell you about me?” You asked, for some reason curious if the asshole had talked about you.
“Oh I’ve seen you two coming back, I sometimes wait at the gates around the time your job ends.”
Of course he hadn’t spoken about you, not that it mattered. “Right. Your Joel’s kid?”
She laughs and scoffs. “"Hell no. Do I look like I have his grumpy-ass genes?”
“No, you do not.” You chuckle.
“He’s something like that, not my dad though.”
“Ah.” You nod.
“I’m Ellie.” She looks you over.
You introduce yourself to her. “It’s nice to meet you-“
“Ellie? Christ, I was lookin’ for you.” A voice cuts in from behind you. Joel’s. Ellie’s eyes widen a bit.
“Shit, now my sneak attack didn’t fucking work!” She says.
Joel comes closer, before realizing who Ellie is talking to. You look at him as he stands next you. His brows pulled together a bit as he looks back at Ellie, not saying a word to you.
“I hit her in the face with a fucking snowball. My aim is crazy good, I thought you were coming round the corner but it was her-“ Ellie says, proud of her aim and also a bit apologetic about hitting you in the face. “Language.” Joel mutters.
“Right, I should get going. It was nice talking to you Ellie.” You smile shortly and start making way. That’s put to a halt when Joel suddenly grabs your arm. It’s a light grab. You shiver. Your head shoots back to him and he lets go.
“Y’still got my gloves.” He says, his voice gruff with a hint of irritation, his eyes not even meeting yours until he’s done talking.
“Oh right. I’ll get them to you, if you think I’m capable enough for that.” You say flatly before walking off. Joel sighs sharply.
“Geez, what was that about?” Ellie snorts.
--
The next day you had made it your task to get the gloves back to Joel. Having to see him every Thursday was enough, so you really hadn’t looked forward to this.
It was early in the morning, you hadn’t really slept well. Rolling around in bed all night, thinking about the past never worked for a good night sleep. So as soon as it was a bit more of an appropriate time to drop by someone’s house, you made your way to Joel Miller’s place.
The town was quiet, a couple birds chirping in the distant and that fresh morning breeze blew through your hair. Mornings like these made the world feel at peace. You never thought you’d become a morning person as much as you are a night person, but nights grew more unsettling while the comfort of daylight made mornings provide a sense of safety.
Joel’s porch creaked under your boots as you debated just leaving the gloves by the door. That would be easier. Less talking. Less looking at his permanently scowling face. You were just about to set them down when the door suddenly swung open.
You barely had time to step back before Joel barreled into you, shutting the door behind him with his back to the world. He mutters a curse under his breath as he turns, his eyes widening slightly at the sight of you.
“Jesus Christ-“ He exhales sharply.
Your brows knitted together. “You don’t think to check if anyone might be on your porch?”
“You don’t think maybe I don’t expect anyone at the crack of dawn?” He shoots back as he looks at you, his usual frown on his face.
You’re quiet for a moment, he’s right. You are really early.
After a moment you roll your eyes and press the gloves forward. “Returning your gloves.”
Joel glances at them, then back at you, like he’s debating whether this exchange is even worth his time. Finally, he reaches out and takes them. His fingers graze yours for just a second—just enough for your stomach to twist in frustration.
The way he looks at you, like you’re beneath him.
Joel just raises the gloves a bit before walking off the porch. “Yeah, thanks.” He mutters before walking off. Leaving you standing on his porch.
“You’re welcome, asshole.” You quietly mutter.
When it’s time for lunch, you decide to head into the dining hall with Selene. Aaron was on patrol so it was just a simple girls moment for the two of you.
“I can’t believe Joel just walked off like that! Maybe he’s just that into you that he gets all nervous and stuff.” Selene giggles.
“Right, that’s totally it. It’s not the fact I called him out on being a monster cause his loved one died.” You say, silencing Selene completely as she turns red.
“Yeah.. Cold.. Maybe he’s not into you.” She quietly replies before taking a bite of her sandwich.
It didn’t take long for you to become close friends with Selene. She was a social butterfly and you like to think you also were one. So you quickly started confiding in each other, gossiping and chatting about anything and everything. The only thing you just kept to yourself was your past. She didn’t talk much about hers either, so you took it as a topic that was off limits for the both of you. You preferred it that way.
“I do regret saying it. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely despise how he behaved at the outpost. But still, I stooped down to his level. I acted cold and that’s just so unlike me.” You picked at the crust of your bread.
It was true, you regretted saying what you said. It took you a moment to understand how you could say such cruel things. You’ve always been really empathic but Joel had triggered memories of Dane. It made you want to be cold, it made you want to hurt him. To hurt Dane. To turn off the overflow of emotions. You did hate Joel though, no matter how much PTSD you had, the way he had handled the situation was awful.
“What’s done is done. Honestly, don’t even give it too much attention. He’s obviously an ass. Maybe it’s good he heard it from someone. He looks like the type of guy that doesn’t get a lot of back talk.” Selene says before taking a bite. “I know I’d be too scared to give him back talk.”
“You’re right. I’m going to go do the repair job Thursday, completely nail it, no pun intended and I’ll show him he can’t bother me!” You whip your hair as you laugh.
“Mhm, atta girl!” Selene chuckles.
--
As Thursday comes around, you’re ready and settled on your horse before he even arrived. You wanted to make sure there would be no possible reason for the two of you to speak unless it was absolutely necessary.
As the snow crunches below the hooves of your horses, sounds of birds chirping and the wind whistling was enough to fill the silence that you’d usually attempt to fill with your small talk. You had glanced over at Joel a couple of times, he’d be unreadable staring straight ahead.
It wasn’t often anymore that someone filled you with so much anger, it’s like every little thing he does ticks you off. The way he taps his heel against his horse every so often, the way he held the reins ever so slightly more to the left cause he knew the horse had a tendency to walk more to the right, and especially the way he always furrowed his brows. Always furrowing those damn brows.
“Quit starin’ at me.” He speaks up.
You blink, not realizing you had zoned out looking at him. “I wouldn’t dare.” You scoff as you roll your eyes.
You look ahead of you. The quiet really making you think. Yeah sure you’ve thought about apologizing to him. You’ve thought about it often, about how much you didn’t want to do it. He should apologize to you. The way he pulled the trigger so easily- the thought of it brings you shivers. That day just keeps replaying in your head, the gut dropping feeling you felt.
Lately everything has been reminding you of Dane and Lois and you blamed Joel for it. Hated him for it. Despised him the way he despised you. It worked out in your favor, making that cold remark to him that day. He obviously felt no need to see or speak to you more than obligated and neither did you.
As the two of you arrive at the outpost, you’re very displeased to see that the wall had caved in on the side. It takes everything in you to not grunt out loud. It’s worse than you thought—wood splintered, nails bent out of shape, snow from last night’s storm piled up against the debris.
“How did that even happen?” You exhale sharply. This meant you’d be on the job even longer.
“Christ if I know.” Joel murmers as he walks inside, he looks just as annoyed as you are.
“We need more wood,” you finally say, hating that you have to acknowledge him at all. “And nails. Probably some new support beams too.” You sounded like you actually knew what you were talking about. You felt a little proud cause of that.
That moment was shot down quickly though.
Joel lets out a humorless chuckle. “Real sharp observation.”
You glare at him. “You got a problem?”
“Nope.” He grabs an axe from the supply crate, inspecting the dull blade. “Just wonderin’ how long you’re gonna waste time statin’ the obvious before actually doin’ somethin’.”
Your blood boils. “Oh, I’m sorry, would you like me to just shut up and blindly follow your lead? ‘Cause we both know how well that worked last time.”
“Worked out just fine.” Joel replies before walking off toward the trees.
You stand there for a moment, fuming. The way he always had to have the last reply, or the better reply. If it was possible, there would be actual fire and steam coming out of you right now.
After an hour of working and not communicating, the only sound between you is the crack of splitting wood, the dull clang of nails being hammered in, and the occasional huff. The air is freezing, your breath visible as you work. Every muscle in your arms aches from chopping, lifting, and hammering.
And yet, somehow, the worst part is still him.
Your mind just keeps going back to last week. To that comment you made about his loved one. You hated him, you did. But it was just in your nature to apologize. It literally wasn’t you.
You decide to speak up, you part your lips to say something but it takes you a few more attempts to actually say something. “Hey um, about what I said last week-“
“Don’t.” Joel cuts you off, his voice sounding flat.
Your brows knit together a bit. “I just wanted to apolo-“
“Don’t.” He states firmly, leaving no room for arguing. You just blink a couple times, very confused why he’s not taking your apology. Did it hurt him that deeply? Surely other people must’ve said similar things right? This just makes you feel worse.
“Joel I am sorry about what I said. Don’t get me wrong, I hate what you did. But I’m still sorry.” You decided to push your apology further, not letting him shut you down like that.
It’s quiet for a moment, like Joel is unsure of how to respond. But when he turns to you, it’s obvious he’s bothered.
“I don’t care about your apology.” He turned to you. “Your words mean nothin’ to me.” He said, it genuinely seeming as if he didn’t care, but you knew better. His response to it last week told you enough.
“Right, sure seemed that way.” You sigh, annoyed he can’t just take the apology.
His eyes shoot to yours as you said that, he looks angry again.
“You just always have to have a big mouth on you, don’t you?” His voice raising slightly.
“Maybe you just can’t stand someone finally telling you how it is.” You step forward, if he wants to argue, that’s what he’ll get.
He chuckles dryly, shaking his head as he looks you up and down. “Yeah, that must be it.” His back towards you again, not engaging in this argument.
“Dickhead.” You mumble as you continue. His eyes glance towards you for a second, to make sure if you actually said it. He decides not to respond and just slightly shake his head.
Why can’t he just take the apology? He makes your blood boil. You wish you never took this stupid repair job, you literally volunteered to have fights with Joel Miller. The guy everyone moves out of the way for, the guy people rarely look in the eye. You weren't afraid, if you had something to say, he'll hear it.
