#guac vent

[callslips]

i don't know if i want to post something current or work on the fics i haven't posted yet and School Keeps Coming (even though it's summer) AND AHHHHH!!!!!!!

fleabag au has hit its 15k mark and i'm halfway through... it has come so far

valerian self-indulgent au requires so much world building the fic would legitimately just be for me and my fantasies

PWP CAN'T BE MY BRAND

but YAMB needs to be updated... and blood ties... EXECUTIVE DYSFUNCTION STOP FOR ONE MOMENT PLEASE

[callslips]

people are so annoying

"you came to a meet and greet just to ask about lottienat"

why the Fuck do you care how people spend their money especially when courtney takes Every Chance Possible to yurimaxx lottienat. i bet she was enthused

sorry i'm still on this topic because i don't even Go to twitter like that but word gets back to me and it's like... if courtney had said lottie would love shauna or some shit it wouldn't be a problem for *them* at all...

like conversely i get that it doesn't make anything canon but let lottienats have their wins god fucking damn 🫩

[callslips]

so i can write 3k+ on a whim for a project i've Just thought of but i can't even get 500 words down for projects i've spent months/years working on.

actively slamming my head onto my keyboard. i just want to finish some of these SO BADLY but the words don't come to me... and then inspiration strikes and it's for something totally different.

i refuse to give up on these fics though the premises are just... chefs kiss... i just need to figure out WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY

even fleabag has started giving me trouble and i have that mfer mapped out from start to finish.

the pain of staring at a doc knowing exactly what you want to see and do but not finding the correct phrasing is essentially dante's 8th circle of hell.

it'll come to me in due time... maybe it just has to cook a little longer

[callslips]

i have two papers and presentations due by the end of this week, work, extra work to make up for the work i didn't do, responsibilities, fighting off a cold, and a social life to juggle

the plus? spring break is in a week

the downside? i can't write over spring break because i am going to be on a BOAT. DOING THINGS.

(i publish something once every blood moon because things just keep happening to me and i am subject to the will of the gods at this point) (they don't want me to ever have the opportunity to create art)

[callslips]

i literally don't know what to write first and i might have 2 exams today but i definitely have at least one and it overlaps with work so i have to figure out WHAT THE FUCK TO DO but I HAVE WRITING TO DO???? AND I HAVE TO LEAVE FOR SCHOOL IN 10 MINUTES. THIS WORLD WAS NOT BUILT FOR ME.

i wish i could say i'm being dramatic but it is not a faux pas at all to say the REAL world Does Not allow time for art ... not that i'm an artist or produce art... but you get the point

[callslips]

i reread blood ties chapter 1 every time i get an inbox about it and i really don't see the mass appeal but the people demand codependent! lottienat and so that is what i will give them... aghhhh the timeline isn't exactly what i wanted but i'm working with it and i'm excited for you all to see where it leads.

because it has been eating me, and i want to share this tidbit, the fic is in part a study on born psychopaths and made psychopaths. i find the concept extremely interesting and it will have an impact on the progression of their characters immensely.

i'll definitely have a longer spiel on the matter the further we get into it, but that was just the little note i had to share. it feels like a spoiler?? but we all know the road down which the fic leads, based on the intro itself, so it can't be too bad. i'm also sure we can all guess who the born psychopath vs. made psychopath are.

it's going to be so fun to explore! especially the concept of psychopathy being not the adding of negative traits, but the taking away of positive ones. can a psychopath FEEL love? is it genuine? when two collide, is there a possibility for that spark to occur?

like the myth of humans being split in half (the soulmate myth) because they were too powerful as in - what if one psychopath crosses paths with another, or at the very least, forms another? it's such a rare condition that i can't help but feel SOME bond must come out of it - especially if one feels so compelled to create another one of themselves so as to not be alone, or to see themselves reflected in another, etc.

sorry. i'm rambling about psychopathy. just - who would i be writing this au if i wasn't neck deep in the psyche? i'll hush now - i'm not even a psych major, but i hope this speaks to how excited i am about bringing this fic to life (ironic statement, given the foreseeable body count).

end rant! counting it as a vent because i don't feel like making a guac rant tag... maybe later. when i'm not on school wifi.