#guiltythoughts

[aletterforstranger]

I just heard this song and let’s just say, it kind of gave me some guilty thoughts. 😏 You know, like when you know you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing... but you just can’t help it. Kinda feels like every time I’m thiking of you.

I mean, if I’m being honest,I’m guilty of wanting to kiss you. Don’t worry, though—I’m trying to be good… for now.

[its-lolla0219]

I have never known how it feels to need you, I swear if I did I would have called and you would have been here, I wouldn't even have to call, you would just be here. I want to forgive you, I want to be able to relate to you without having to wonder if what I feel is normal, I love you, indifferent but I do, I know because even if you are so detached from me, I feel your heartbeats in my soul, you created me and I sit here and wonder... I feel your inhales when I am sleeping at night...

[stupid-sexy-ultron]

I'm not good with pets.

A few months ago, my older sister left me with two dogs.

Being that she's my sister and she's generally looked out for me, that wouldn't be a bad decision to make, right?  I never put on airs that I wanted either of these pets and she gave her word she'd either find a place for them to live where she moved or help me with finding them somewhere here.

Despite her giving away every other dog she's ever owned after a year or so, I should take her at her word this time, right?

No...the predictable happens.  I'm going on about month six while she's somewhere else with a baby on the way.  She's never even asked me about the dogs whenever she called and she only vaguely seems to care when I bring them up.

These dogs are mine now and are my responsibility.

I don't have the energy to take care of them and always made it clear to my sister that I wasn't willing. Yet here they've been alone with me for months as I struggled to feed them and maybe play with them as I haven't had the energy or money to do much else for them.

Again, I made it as clear as I could that I never wanted these dogs.  Even when she was moving out in her weird haphazard way and she was trying to pawn one of them off on me.  I made it clear these dogs were to go with her.

Yet, here they've been for months.  She's no closer to doing anything with them than she was when she first moved.  Now the day has come where I've gotten past my executive functioning issues to use the phone to call the animal shelter to see how to drop these dogs off.

It seems easy enough, the only problem I have is getting a larger car to carry them which shouldn't be too much of a problem.  The adoption services are decent and since I don't know anybody to take them, that's about all I can expect at this point.  

They may even have to be euthanized upon arrival which is something I hope they don't tell me.  I do have a certain attachment to them just because that would make sense, and while not many things make me noticeably angry, the fact two living, breathing beings would have to be killed just because their owner is the same irresponsible asshole she's always been when it comes to pets...

Blatantly unfair things get me angry every time.

I don't know how many ways I could've made it clear the dogs weren't to be left here.

I still feel somewhat guilty and have a hard time not blaming myself for having to do this.  Maybe if I could get a career and not a job I could've kept them.  Maybe if me being autistic and I didn't have sensory issues that made every they bark seem as if static was directly injected into my head and scattering all my thoughts into the nothingness, I'd be able to keep them.

The other part of me is saying no.

I don't want them.  I never wanted them.  I always made it clear I never wanted them.  They were abandoned here despite anything I said.  Life isn't fair, especially to lesser beings like dogs.

Even worse if their completely unfair lives were to come to an abrupt end this week.

[n-umblr]

I'm not even motivated to see people right now - well not lots of people all at once anyway, I can't handle it. I kind of just want someone to be my bestfriend for a while, that'd be cool. I have best friends but I don't see them often enough and it's always when you first become close with someone that things seem so rich and exciting. Sometimes I wish that you were just sitting beside me. It's comforting but sad because we rotate through different galaxies

[frominfinityyndbeyondd-blog]

Words Spoken and Regretted

The words have been said and heard and there's nothing I can do I'm incomplete without him and all I want is you. As a rock, as a friend but not to chain you down. My words were daggers in your heart, in your heart, in your soul. And nothing in this world can help me when I say I want to pull those daggers out and sew the wounds up with my love.