I feel the need to share this 'cause even though it may seem small to some people, it's a big thing for me and has made me feel pretty good about myself recently. I think it qualifies as PMA so here I go.
I went to see a psychiatrist last month because my parents are worried about me and were wondering if maybe I have a mental problem of sorts, given how I've made little to no effort in trying to find a job and have been basically distancing myself from a lot of social things for the last couple of years. And it turns out, to no surprise, I have a bit of a bad social anxiety disorder. I'm not ashamed to admit that - all my life, on some level, I've always suspected that I had anxiety. I've never been the one to approach people first and make friends, it's ALWAYS been the other way around. I've always been more of a listener than a speaker (unless it's of something I'm interested in). I've always felt more content alone to do my own things than hanging out with a group of people. I could go on. Thing is, my anxiety - or more so, social anxiety - has never been as bad as it is now. When I was in school, it wasn't all that noticable for me, but ever since I graduated 4 years ago, what with the realization of how I was officially considered an adult and had to now make my own choices, any and all confidence I had got lost along with my motivation and drive, and anxiety decided to take the wheel.
Since then, trying to apply for jobs results in me procrastinating for what feels like ages because I build up "what-if" scenarios in my head of getting a call for an interview, and then of what would happen at the interview, and then of getting the job and working in a public place with people I don't know, and then of eventually getting fired - all shit BEFORE I even apply for a job. I don't focus on the present, I focus on horrible "what-if" future scenarios that practically eat me alive. It doesn't help how ever since I was little, I've NEVER wanted to grow up. My friends and classmates would be excited and talk about their dreams and what they were looking forward to, but me? Fuck no! Not a chance! In fact, I can say for a fact that I genuinely enjoyed high school, it was one of the best times of my life, and I miss it dearly. If I could, I'd do it all over again and do some things I wish I had done before.
ANYWAY, you're probably wondering where the PMA stuff comes in. Well when I had gone to see my psychiatrist, he had advised me to take some baby steps and try and challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone for certain things and try some cognitive behavioral therapy tactics, and then see him in a month to update him.
I went and saw him last Tuesday and I admitted to him that I hadn't called for any cognitive behavioral therapy appointments, however, I did have some things to report that did make me quite proud of myself.
Firstly, I should state that around the beginning of the month I had planned to hopefully get together with a close friend who I haven't hung out with since graduation - in fact, I had run into her and we agreed we'd get together sometime on the first week of July. I had also figured I'd try and get together with another friend or two. However, around that time is when I got strep throat and that went on for two weeks, so naturally any plans I had to get together with someone had to be cancelled and postponed because I wouldn't risk getting anyone sick. That being said, I did make the effort to make plans to be social and I did tell my friend about the issue and agreed to get together with her in the next week or so.
Now I've dyed my hair since I was 14, dressed in a lot of black since I was 13, loved horror since I was 14, and have had a love for spooky stuff and Halloween since I was 5. In high school, by the 12th grade, people basically knew me as the quiet brightly-colored-hair-dyed girl dressed in black with a creative imagination and love for horror and dark things. I even had a few people consider me a goth. I really like gothic fashion, whether it be clothing, makeup, whatever, but I've never had the confidence to experiment with it, mainly because I worry so much about what others would think. It's funny - as a kid, you're taught good manners and told to not judge a book by its cover, and that you should express yourself and be your own person. But as soon as you become an adult, society basically slaps you in the face and is like "well we didn't mean it like THAT!" and people WILL judge you for the way you look if you don't look "normal". It's so beyond stupid. Is it any wonder I have anxiety?
There's a youtuber I've been watching for the last two months now called It's Black Friday. She's an all-out goth - she does the hair, the makeup, the clothes, everything, and she looks that way pretty much every single day. She'll go out in public like that and every now and again, she may get a nice comment for someone or someone will politely ask if they can get a picture of her or with her. But a majority of the time, she gets stared at and receives quite a lot of rude remarks. Even in some of her vlogs of her walking down the street talking to us viewers, you will see people in the background staring at her and sometimes calling out rude things at her. And quite a lot of her viewers will go and explain how they want to express themselves and dress the way that makes them happy but they're afraid to let that part of them shine through, and they'll ask her "Where do you get the confidence? How can you go out in public looking the way you do and manage to brush away all of the rude glances and remarks?". And her answer was that it wasn't that she necessarily has confidence, it's more so apathy. Basically it's this kind of thinking: Do you know those people? Do they know you? And if not, then why does their opinion matter? Why should you care so much about what they think? If you know that you look good and you're happy with the way you look, then screw what others think. Keep your head up and express yourself; don't let others put you down for being yourself.
When I heard her say that and I thought it over, I realized she had a really good point. Why am I so concerned about what others think? Why do I automatically build it up in my head that all eyes are on me when I'm in public? It's ridiculous. So you know what I've done? Ever since then, I've been letting my inner goth girl shine through every now and again. I've experimented with dark makeup and dressing a certain way. And not going to lie, when I first started doing it just here at home, it made me incredibly nervous because I know no one in the family is used to me looking that way. But after a week or so, I got a bit more comfortable and decided to challenge myself further. From now on, whenever I go for a walk or need to run some errands, I'll normally deliberately get all dressed up just to get me out of my comfort zone and try to get myself into a more apathetic way of thinking. It's hard, but I have been trying and that's all that matters. Actually, I had a girl the other day comment on how she liked my overall look the other day, and it definitely gave me a reason to smile. Here's a picture of me without any makeup and a picture of me from that day.
I told my psychiatrist about this - I even showed up for it, makeup and all, just to prove a point - and he was proud of me for taking those small baby steps out of my comfort zone. I also mentioned the following.
When I had strep, the meds my doctor prescribed me worked for about 5-6 days, but for some reason, while I was still taking them, my throat started getting really sore again. Our doctor's on vacation, so my mom took a look at my throat and being worried, immediately took me to the emergency at the hospital. She started worrying that maybe I had tonsillitis and would end up having to get my tonsils removed, but after looking up some pictures, she realized my throat didn't look that bad and that I'd probably just end up getting a totally different prescription for something stronger (which is exactly what happened). Thing is, I have an EXTREME fear of hospitals and of ever getting surgery done. So when she was telling me about tonsillitis and when we were heading towards the building, my anxiety was going through the roof!
My heart rate was spiking, I was beginning to feel really jittery all over, my breathing wasn't steady (I felt like there was a weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe). My brain was beginning to torment me with the worst possible case scenarios, the most horrific "what-if" scenarios - that I'd be told that meds wouldn't help anymore, that I had tonsillitis, that I'd have to have surgery done on my throat, all of that. And as soon as we stepped inside and I got hit with that overwhelming clean smell (you know the smell) and saw a few people in gurneys and some nurses in their smocks, I swear, all of the blood drained from my face and I felt quite woozy, like everything was otherworldly and like I didn't belong there. And within the first 15 minutes of waiting there, I actually started crying because of just how uncomfortable and TERRIFIED I was.
We waited there for 2 and a half hours, and I did manage to calm down after awhile, but I was SO on edge at first, I genuinely felt like I was going to bawl my eyes out and have a panic attack of sorts. So what'd I do? I did a post here on Tumblr, asking for anyone online to try and distract me because I felt like I was going to lose my absolute mind. And sure enough, I had 5-6 people chat with me, telling me to breathe, to count from 1 to 50 slowly, and talking about random things to get my mind off of where I was, and it was all so very helpful. This entire experience may not have had anything to do with me dealing with my social anxiety, but I definitely faced an extremely anxiety-induced scenario - one relating to my worst fears - and I managed to handle it rather well. I told my psychiatrist about all of this as well, and he was proud, telling me how I used some cognitive behavioral therapy tactics during that time, what with how I was using distractions and breathing exercises to relax.
All in all, I'm just mentioning all of this because I've come to accept that I have a problem and although I've taken small baby steps, for me it's a big step in the right direction. I'm proud of myself for how I handled my anxiety at the hospital and I'm proud of how I'm trying to express myself through my look. I've got PMA on my side and I wanted to show it :)
