a reflection now that i am here
so finally i’ve cleaned out all my docs and figured what to keep/what to delete/what to work with. in truth, i haven’t really deleted anything permanently and i don’t think i should b/c --
1). while i may cringe cleaning all of this out, i do not cringe b/c it’s “shit” or “trash.” my younger self deserves my utmost respect for writing what she wanted without shame and that’s the only reason i’m here today. i’m not gonna shit on her for being into things that were gratuitous, self-serving, or cheesy b/c that’s what gets you into fandom, that’s what gets you excited in the first place. if u move on, good for u. if u wanna stick with it, then go for it and make it your own.
2). i’m still proud of what i’ve done so far in some way. of course the cringe comes unavoidably b/c i don’t think some stuff is as well written/developed and some ideas/content i’m just not as into anymore. there’s certainly a lot of tropes my younger self seemed to like that can be hard to present in a well-developed way that understands the more “problematic” aspects of such fics (cough abo cough) -- but hey people have interests that aren’t always wholesome and i always understood that fiction was fiction -- so it’s about growth and maturing, not shaming.
3). look i’m still sentimental and there are still the few pieces that i’ve kept just for myself b/c they hold so much meaning for me whether b/c of the time i’ve invested, their content, or what they represented at the certain point in time they were written. so those are for me alone :)
anyway having done a whole overhaul i can trace this from october-november 2016 -- may 2019. so damn, that’s almost 2.5 years of writing. i started reading fic most intensely with kfic and to this day some of the most memorable pieces of writing in terms of skill, story, and general emotional impact that provide inspiration for me are still kfic ones -- so thanks to this great big area of interest i found myself cultivating my own interests. and now i’m still writing today so i’m happy to give a great big thanks :).
i don’t plan on saying goodbye forever; who knows what i’ll be doing, there’s no need to talk in such absolutes. but i am happy to reflect on all these past pieces, published or unpublished, and see how i’ve changed in my interests, my style, and most importantly my outlook on writing. truly, people say write for yourself, but it takes a lot to realize and really internalize it -- but i’m happy to say now that is why i write and continue to push myself to do so. after all, if i wasn’t personally invested, then why would i continue to push myself to do so through such difficulty (torture lol) -- but seriously, the moment i finally realized what it meant to write for myself, it was like re-learning the joys of something so fundamentally wonderful at its core. man, that’s why kids are so precious right? they experience everything for the first time with such excitement.
let’s see: i would like to tackle some gl/k-girl group fic and of course return to my childhood dream and love - anime. anyway, here’s to a wonderful, fulfilling summer :) and to my younger self who violently rolled out of bed one dark oct/nov. afternoon and spewed out words onto a document - thanks for letting that impulse drive you so far. i’m happy to take it up once more :)