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i skipped being 19 because i thought it was such a non-age, unlike more tangible 20, so i've been 20 for two years which. would go for a three, actually, but i don't want to skip being 21

#the most normal person in the world is talking #hashtag stabbed

so i finished that td fic i've been working on for the entirety of july and it sits proud at almost 20k words of giving up bodily autonomy for the Greater Good (tm), persistent lagomorphic hallucinations, dealing with grief and metaphysical splittings of identity in the best traditions of Crash, Of Course.

i'm Pretty Nervous about letting this into the world so i made a picture which can count as propaganda!

& it's on ao3

#hashtag stabbed #true detective #true detective fic #rust cohle #etc etc

had a dream some time back about true detective s1 being set in the heavy heat of my hometown as it is right now, war and lack of water. and i guess themes and images do stretch surprisingly well

#everything grows wrong (grass turns yellow as soon as june rolls in)#(every tree was planted by a person to try and keep the wind at bay)#many many thoughts #might wright a short fic about it that will be even more for The Self than Hares & People #yes mykolaïv IS southern gothic fuck you #true detective #hashtag stabbed

dissociating so hard today but at least i got a 280k words very domestic rustmarty fic to read. thanks for your service user blackeyedblonde

#and they are not suffering in this one!!#true detective #rustmarty #the name is What We've Got and it's so kdkrkekkskd #yes #hashtag stabbed

#half of watching posession is “wow i feel really stupid” and half is “actually you should Feel films first”#anyways it was an experience #posession 1981 #hashtag stabbed

had a dream that rustin cohle of all people gave me life advice ("anyone would do anything for a story") because i was short of change for a bus & upset so it led me to a bus stop w ANOTHER RUSTIN COHLE (??) and maggie, couple of month into knowing each other, so maggie asks him what he thinks is a fitting name for a whole roster of creatures' pictures aka her pets on her phone and there is a whole winding internal monologue about sophia and names and he's spiraling but trying to think of sth clever maggie can relate to to keep the convo going, until the picture of ASH LYNX (? – never seen banana fish) comes on and he says "Percocet" & they laugh & it represents hope because you can spiral all you want and still have something stupid and funny lift your spirits for a second. hell yeah

#and then the spirit of third rust cohle saved my ass from missing presentation day at uni because my alarm didn’t go off so a neighbor's dog #clawed at our door loudly about three minutes after i had to wake up #the dream also included an absolvement of catholic guilt about drinking beer of course #got two hours to sleep so ig we didn't have time to unpack all that #true detective #again #hashtag stabbed

you really only see everything through the lenses of your own experiences, which sometimes has disadvantages like trying not to cry at the screeing of the hail mary film because the pace is slow and you have time to think and the thought is that your nation could violently and completely get wiped out by another nation, and in the very same year the world will forget about you and congratulate them, the nation who cleared the beautiful blue face of the earth from vermin like you, by plastering russian fucking flag on the uniforms of the space movie

#“here is our russian astronaut” cool! i have ptsd from missiles exploding in my yard #probably will never feel safe in any semi-eastern european country but hey we got ilyukhina guys #which btw is a joke of a surname #and i did tear up at the space burial scene because i am in fact a person and have empathy but #oh my god do you have to push the tricolour and 'haha climbing into kremlin' picture in my face #i come to the cinema to take my mind off the invasion & not to. whatever this is #project hail mary #4 out of 5 stars btw #hashtag stabbed

personhood is getting more difficult to contain during the academic kill-yourself season. i need to learn the worst folk punk song on my guitar and scream it outside like a wounded steppenwolf

#if i dont go outside for a walk im going insane instead #have to plant flowers... paint a picture... write a story.... oh my god maybe learn to cook something new #the desire to escape this world is sooo here. it's so here it's like 14yo version of me is just below the skin barrier #hashtag stabbed

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