#hate speaks

[saint-hate]

that's it. i'm going on a quest to kill god. who's coming, and what is your weapon of choice?

[saint-hate]

if there is a god, the kind and loving god progressive christians insist is out there, he must understand that i am too angry to look upon him favorably.

he must understand that i have been punished too often and too harshly for anger to show it. i do not rage, or yell, or cry. i barely feel it, but i am aware of it; this terrible fury, heavy like nothing else.

he must understand that i have suffered! i have suffered in his name. he must understand that i have lived in terror. he must understand that violence and pain and abuse were spoonfed to me disguised as love. this is god, this is the truth.

he must understand that i will believe in no god. he must understand that i will never kneel for anyone, and certainly not him. he must understand that i would rather burn in fucking hell for the rest of eternity. he must understand that i will never give in and i will never be chained.

not again.

when i say fuck god, i mean it.

[saint-hate]

yeah

[saint-hate]

ex-fundie homies, reminder that it is both normal and essential to proper recovery to stay in bed and rest for a day or so after an illness as you regain strength. you are not lazy.

[saint-hate]

just wanted to brag that i didn't go to church today. just because i didn't want to. i just said no and stayed in bed.

[saint-hate]

i haven't forgotten who i am. my teeth are sharper than ever. i remain what they hate.

[saint-hate]

i wake up every day knowing it may be my last day where i can indulge in the illusion that i am safe in my parents' house. i wake up knowing that it may be the last day my mother loves me. i wake up knowing i may have to decide which of my belongings will fit in a duffel and which i will have to abandon. i am tired and i am anxious.