#hattiewritesshit

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

It's 3.29am and I can't sleep. The world feels incredibly heavy around me. Think the cats can sleep with me tonight. I keep wishing for life to seem incredibly profound and like it does in novels but it's all the same repetitive shit we've done year in, year out.

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

anyway in other news i’m still too anxious to take my anti-anxiety meds

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

so we’ve just booked a holiday and i’m already panicking ahaha i am a TERRIBLE PERSON why can’t i switch off my anxiety for like 10 minutes i am so tired of feeling like this and frustrating everyone around me

mostpeople would be like ‘yay holiday’ but not me no i am CATASTROPHISING and wondering why i still haven’t had a letter to ask if i’m still itnerested in therap y cos i fuckingam i’m so blloodt fed up

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

i’m so fed up with my brain and its stupid hyper-fixation on shit that doesn’t even matter i am LITERALLY  a broken record someone shoot me 

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

when the HECK will i not be an anxious wreck?????????? 

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

I think this is a positive thing?

So today I had a day off; days off usually end in me wallowing about how useless and terrible a human being I am. 

Today, however, I got up early, helped my driving instructor get top marks in an exam, came home, washed up, did a load of washing, and sat to watch Netflix.

I had a missed call on my phone from (what I assumed) was the therapy people who called me last week at work so I decided I would watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine until Netflix does the thing where it’s like ‘are you still there??’ and then I would call these people. ANyway I called them and did the assessment thing over the phone which I hated but I did it and I’ve been put on an 18 week waiting list for high intensity therapy (I still have a nagging feeling that I don’t deserve it and there’s always someone in more need than me but I’m trying to ignore it) 

And then I called my mum and asked if she wanted to go get a coffee so I left the house and then panicked that I hadn’t locked the door so drove a circle to come back and check (which made me 15 minutes late for her). I told her about the therapy thing and she did the usual thing of ‘you need to just ignore your thoughts’ ok thanks mum am cured, and then I bought a new duvet so we can stop melting in the heat and also new pillows and then I drove home, changed the bed, put more washing on, and did some more washing up and am now working on my gold d of e (which really needs finishing i literally started it in 2012)

I also picked up my prescription but then did the thing where i read the side effects and talk myself out of taking them so we’ll give that a week 

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

my anxiety comes in waves

giant unmanageable waves

then tiny waves that i can jump over and it is fine

then the giant waves again

[imaphilosoraptorrr]

I feel like I am a broken record

always anxious always feeling poorly never getting past it

it’s annoying everyone around me and i can recognise it from an external POV but I can’t stop it from controlling my life

I had a migraine the other day (first time ever) and it was terrifying, I lost all the sight in my left eye and I didn’t know what was happening. (I went to the doctor on Thursday for the anxiety and mentioned it; she told me what it was) 

I’ve been prescribed medication again and been told to refer myself for more CBT and I am so fed up of being like this shell of a human (but i’ve been saying that for years and done nothing about it)

I don’t know what to do about the medication and I don’t know who to talk to about it, it annoys my boyfriend and my mum has stopped replying to my texts about it. I can’t talk to my sister about it because I’m meant to be ‘better’ and I can’t talk to people at work about it because it’s a sign of how weak I am 

I don’t know why I’m even typing this out it’s so self centred and stupid I should just get over myself or disappear then no one would have to be irritated by me again